Day 194 on 19 December: Living Without My Darling Husband

You remember Annie from the serviced office I worked in years ago?  I met up with her over lunch today.  She was so shocked at hearing of your demise.  Can't understand how this happened as well.

Now in the midst of packing for the move to Toa Payoh this weekend!  Marie has been really helpful and she did most of the packing.  I cant bear to hold your things - too much sorrow for me!  It's 194 days today and I am missing your company!  Honestly, I cant imagine if I'm not working, I'll probably go nuts!

Mikaail is also missing you badly and it's also affecting Mariah.  She gets really frustrated with him and I had to explain to her to be a bit more patient with him.  On top of this, Marie is also not giving her the full support!  At times it is so stressful for me both at home and in office!  Gosh, I feel like I want to run away from everything and everyone but then I don't want to be unfair to Mikaail.  He's already missing you and I cant let him miss me too!  I'm just too stressed out!

Day 190 on 14 Dec: Living without My Darling Husband

190 days flew by so quickly!  You are still so fresh in our minds so much so that Mikaail is now asking if you are busy!  I, while I know you are gone forever, still hope to have you back with us.  Silly but we really missed you so much!  There are no more happy memories to look forward to!

Just a couple of days ago, an uncle of mine, was admitted in TTSH for 2 ballooning on 30 November and was discharged on 3 December!  How much older is he?  Lots!  So I still cant accept that the procedure you went for which was relatively common caused you, your life!

Do you know how envious I became whenever I see couples holding hands lovingly?  Reminded me of us!  We usually held hands while we walked home after work even from the carpark!  Now, I always walk by myself from the MRT!  Occasionally I still do shed tears while in the MRT!  Sometimes a thought came into my mind then it triggered the sadness.  When I talked about you, I still shed tears and I will quickly compose myself.  I just have to be more aware of how I should control my emotions better.  

Our weekends nowadays are so depressing!  Today Mikaail had fits twice!  He said he wanted to listen to the music.  You know how he would wave his hand in the air?  Now he didnt.  He is pretty much in a world of his own!  

So many things to pack and lots to remind me of you.  Not that I will ever forget you as we've been married for close to 20 years!  

While clearing up the place today to prepare for the move next weekend, I came across this photo

Day 187 on 11 Dec 2013: Living Without My Darling Husband

Today was supposed to be our 20th wedding anniversary and we should have celebrated on the Royal Carribbean Cruise Ship!  All our anniversary plans were shattered!  I had initially thought of taking Mikaail for the cruise anyway but had so much hesitation that I decided against it.  Too much for me to handle your demise!  Though I didnt want to deprive Mikaail of a holiday but good is a holiday when I'm struggling to come to terms with your demise.

For the moment, until we move on Saturday 21 December, my plan was to stay over in TP on Wed and Thu nights then be back in our home on Friday evening so I will have time to pack the stuff to be brought over to TP.  Then the last Friday, 20 December I'll have to be in our home on my own as the movers are coming at 7 am on Saturday!  Gosh never stayed home alone before!

Day 186 on 10 Dec 13: Living Without My Darling Husband

Very concerned with Mikaail's emotional state.  Even when we bring him out he is still in a world of his own!  He is much quieter now and when he speaks, it's very soft - so difficult to hear him!

Smooth ride in the mrt this morning and I arrived at Rafflles Place just under 40 minutes.  Also I got the free ride.  Never did I think I will ever benefit from this free ride since you have always driven me to work all the time!  In the MRT this morning, there was free entertainment in the MRT, compliments of an old man playing his harmonica beautifully.  Just as I was enjoying his music, he got off at City Hall station.

Oh ya - do you ever think there will ever be a riot in Singapore now?  I didn't.  Well, it happened last Sunday though!

I'm getting close to moving to TP and have informed Cindy and Diana plus my siblings - all via sms!  They have all been supportive.  Anyway, after living so long with you by my side, it's really tough for me to move on and pick up the pieces.

Day 185 on 9 Dec: Living Without My Darling Husband

Mikaail really has no clue that you are never coming back!  He don't understand the meaning of death at all.  Today he asked to be near you like in normal days.  Now it is in a different situation and I really don't know how to help him!  I've asked Rose for help previously and have just sent her a reminder to ask Shahid to say some prayers for him.

So you see, we both were in a way, shortchanged!  We are definitely unprepared for you to leave this world so soon!

What have you been doing there?  Is there life there?  I'm curious and at the same time I am worried about experimenting getting in touch with you!  Maybe you can get in touch with me - of course I was referring to you coming in my dreams!  It's 185 days to be exact from the time you left both of us!  I have yet to get around to clear your wardrobe as I will be moving this over to TP.  I cant even bear to open your wardrobe!  Too much of a heartache!!

Busy day at work today, as always!

Oh, btw, the charity bake we had earlier this month, raised a total of S$5,026 and all the bakers including me (!), donated the cost of ingredients for this effort. Then I understand that a total of US$30K was raised and given to Philippines to help the Haiyan victims.

Day 184 on 8 Dec 13: Living without My Darling Husband

So much to do today!  With the movers coming in about 2 weeks time, I felt so overwhelmed having to clear the place!  Worst, so much memories of us packing the stuff together when we renovated our home 2 years ago and now, it is just me!  OMG!!!   Why, oh why???  How could a 1% risk procedure claimed your life???  You were supposed to get better from the procedure and not dead!  Honestly I still feel that as there were 6 - 8 persons attending to you in the lab, someone may have been complacent.  Perhaps didnt follow the process and made a serious blunder!  Cant help thinking about this!!

Also, I cant bear to shift your things!  I dont know what I should do with them!!  Oh how I wished we had talked about all these!  Too much sadness just to open your wardrobe!.  It's worst now as I must clear them so the movers can transfer all the contents.

Early this morning Mikaail wet the bed 2 times and then again in the afternoon!!  I was so furious with him and scolded him.  He said he was sorry.  I asked him why he didnt wake me and he said he forgot!  I guess it is unlikely that he forgot.  I think it is likely he didnt even realise that he needed to pee.  I'm sure it was unintentional but then again I feel that I need to let him know not to just pee without telling!

He is losing weight recently as he ate very little.  Although he says "da da no more", I am sure he doesn't really understand the meaning of death.  He seems to be in a world of his own and sometimes he stares blankly.  Unlike me, he didnt even cry and may not even know how to mourn for you!

I  still see you in my mind's eyes - your smile, I yearned for your touch and the warmth of your body!  Now there is just coldness.  I'm feeling really sad. 

Day 167 on 21 Nov: Living Without My Darling Husband

Was super tired when I got up this morning!  Last night I had a dream that we were both running away from don't know where.  Seems like it was an endless run to some unknown place and from some unknown location too!

Last evening I baked banana chocolate chip muffins for sampling in office as my office is raising funds for the Philippines typhoon victims.  Can't help thinking of how you always encourage me with your very positive feedback.

My colleagues liked the muffins and I'm happy with their feedback too though I had to disappoint some of them.  I didnt bring enough for all to sample!

Busy day in office too!  My boss finally got his new toys and the telco screwed up on the SIM cards.  A 5 min activation job by the Telco took forever!  Then to make matters worst, they sent the wrong type of SIM card.  OMG!  I went over to the telco shop to get the change done.  Luckily there's one near my office.  After getting the replacement sorted, I walked over to MBFC to pass the new toys to him.  As always, managed to get everything in order but it's not without a lot of stress!  Phew!!

Going to bake again tonight!!

Bought marshmallows to add into the muffins but changed my mind.  The marshmallows became really sticky when I cut them into smaller pieces.  I added mashed banana and slivered almonds instead.  Also, I got a tip from a colleague who told me that she heard from a known chef to first toast whatever nuts to be used in baking.  Toasting the nuts before adding into the cakes, give the nuts a crispy bite!

166 Days of Living Without My Darling Husband Alex Tan

It rained this morning.  Haven't slept well nowadays.  I'll fall asleep between 10 and 11 pm then awake around 3 am before I have to get up a 5am!  So much on my mind: work, home, Mikaail, Mariah and Marie.  With you gone, there's absolutely no other who will understand my thoughts.

On the work front, changes are plentiful.  There's going to be another move ie one level down.  Still in planning stage though so I'm going to be super busy with the move again real soon.  Also with the changes in the management .. some job responsibilities are conveniently transferred to yours truly.  I'm supposed to review this though but have not had the chance to really give it enough thought  Just so much to do.  Urgh!!!!!

On the home front - Mariah is very keen for us to stay over.  It's easier for me really since the mrt journey is halved.  Regardless of where we stay Mikaail still needs a taxi to send him to school.  So there is no difference as far as transportation is concerned.  My concern really is both the adults do not see eye to eye after all these years!  With you out of the picture, it does get a bit overbearing sometimes.  Marie do test Mariah's patience too!  Much as I hate to intervene I've got no choice.  It is so annoying especially in the morning plus I dislike Mikaail having to listen and feel all the negative vibes

Day 162: Living Without You

You know what?  The other day a colleague asked me how do I call you.  I told her usually it's darling and sometimes "Eh".  Ha Ha Ha.  Then there's a friend who asked me how did I write to you.

We stayed over in TP since Thursday evening and will leave for home tomorrow morning.  Mariah won the AWWA 2013 Model Caregiver award and the award presentation was this morning at Hyflux Innovation Centre which is much closer from TP then our home.  This event was officiated by Dr Amy Khor.

   

Also  Mikaail had fits 6 times during the course of today including when we were at Hyflux.  Nowadays he speaks little, almost inaudible and sleeps more too.  Lost interest I supposed with you no longer in our lives

Sometimes I think I can handle talking about you but I realised I am not up to it yet.  I  can control my emotion for a bit before I start to break down.  Also I have yet to focus on the 3 steps to speaking to you.  Luckily I am

Next Monday I intend to pay you a visit.  I bought something really cute for you.  I am sure you will like it.

Oh ya, there was this super Typhoon Haiyan which hit Philippines earlier this month.  A lot of  people died, unfortunately.  Lots of countries have sent in donations including relief supplies.  My office is organising a charity drive, recruiting aspiring bakers and of course yours truly registered for this charity drive.  I intend to bake chocolate chip muffin or banana muffin with my latest acquired kitchen gadget to raise funds.  It'll be freshly baked as I intend to bake it on demand.

159 Days of Living Without You

Just finished a-2-full day meeting at the Park Hotel Clarke Quay today.  So busy!  I had to book taxi to get me to the hotel and back unlike those days when you send and pick me.  Then you usually helped me to transport the equipment back to office!  Now I have to make another trip to the hotel to pick these up!  Though it's all work, you were always there for me!

I hope you are doing fine wherever you are.  Feels as if you are in another world!  Did you meet both our parents and our little darling angel?  Do you miss us?  How was it that you had to leave us so soon!  What happened to all the promises of living together into our silver years!  I really feel so short changed!  I hope you can see all these and I dont know how or if you could see!  Gone are all my happy memories!

Mikaail misses you very much too!  He is extremely quiet and refuse to talk much.  If he does say something, it will be very soft and almost impossible to hear what he said!  It gets a bit frustrating sometimes.  Then he kept bending his body and will tell himself to sit up or he will ask to for help to help him sit up.  Gone are the days when he wants to listen to Hi-5 or Barney.  He is not keen with the weekend sing-along too!  When we go out, he will cover his ears and sometimes his face as the sounds may be too loud for him!  I don't know how else to help him understand your demise and let him mourn for you! I am still struggling with this.

I really hate the weekends!  It really is very taxing emotionally and physically.  Just imagine when you were around.  I could share everything and now ...

I've got friends who said I am strong and brave!  What should I do?  I cant possibly kill myself without taking Mikaail with me!  Do I have much of a choice to carry on living without you, right?

Luv us always!

154 Days of Living Without You

It's the parent-teacher meet today but actually I was rather reluctant to go.  I was afraid that Mikaail's teacher and/or his therapists might sympathise with me over your demise.  I know lots of people care for us but I am still not ready to let go.  Inside of me, I am still longing for your!!

Anyway, I took time off to go to the school as I've practically used up all of my 2012 and 2013 annual leave entitlement in June when your low risk procedure got all screwed up!

Nowadays I travel mainly by mrt and bus.  Worst case I'll have to get a taxi.  You know how costly this is but what choice do I have?  For the teacher-parent meeting, I took the mrt to Yishun then boarded service 39.  The queue was rather long at the bus interchange and there were about 10 passengers ahead of me who didnt want to board the bus!  I had to come out of the queue to board the bus and ended standing for quite a bit of the journey! No wonder they didnt want to board the bus!  There were several stretches of non-stop route to the school!

This is the year-end teacher-parent meet and it does not include the therapists.  Mikaail's teacher did a really nice scrapbook for him.

Also told the teacher my concern as Mikaail is now exceptionally quiet and he always say "Da da no more"  I always remind him that you are always in our hearts and you will always look over us.  He is also not eating well and gets fits at least once a day.  How much more does the fits affect his brain!

Apparently his teacher did arrange for a child psychologist to see him but this lady saw him twice then no further follow up as she said she was busy!  I told the teacher that there seems to be a disconnect.  Is paperwork more important that attending to a child who had lost his beloved parent>>  His teacher said will follow up with the head of the department though it is unlikely to happen since school holidays start next Thursday, 14 Nov.

Busy day back in the office too!  Luckily the weather wasnt too hot as I had to board any bus to pasir ris MRT then to office!

Day 152: Sharing My Thoughts on 4 November 2013

Gosh it's almost 5 months of living without you!  How have you been?  Both Mikaail and I are missing you terribly!  Do you miss us too?  How I wish I know what is happening in your world!

The other day when I told my colleague about the 3 steps to take to speak to the dearly departed, she said her aunt was also interested to do it if I get to speak with you!  Then another colleague gave me another method to speak with you.  I am keen and at the same time quite scared.  You know I am not the bravest person in this world, right.  Eh darling, though I hope to be able to speak with you again, please just appear in my dreams ok :)

Did you remember the day I dreamed of you?  In my dreams, I was at the back of a pick up when I spotted you.  Don't ask me why as I have no idea why a pick up!  Anyway, I remembered your smile and the hug you gave me when I told you I missed you much!  It was the weekend before I went to your new site!  The kakak (contractor) said it's probably because they may have moved the soil when constructing the tombstone.  I had asked her if she could help me to take photos of the step-by-step but she said it's usually done in the night and so far no one has ever done this!  By now I hope you would have seen the tombstone that was erected.  Hope you like it.

Your stuff are still pretty much in the same way you left them and I just cant bear to do anything with them yet.  I'm not sure if I ever will.  I just feel that my life now is so aimless.  I dont feel the motivation to continue living if not for Mikaail!  I cant leave him in Mariah's care too as that would unfair to her.  Then again, is life fair?  Some of my friends say that I am strong.  Do I have a choice?  I need to be strong as I still need to work.  I am now the sole breadwinner!  Wow!  Sounds really heavy task you know!  REALLY hate it that everything I do or plan to do, I do it solo!

I've not gone for the internet courses that I've signed up for nor have I gone for the get-together meetings with the team!  I just couldnt find the drive to continue.  If its not for work, I'll probably go bonkers!

Sometimes I ask myself what if it is the other way around.  You would have a lot more to manage other than just the emotion bit.  Would you have missed me as much as I've missed you?  You know after your demise, I've lost the only true soul mate I have in my life!

Living 148 days without My Darling Husband

A busy day today!  Took leave to bring Mikaail to NUH for his medical appointments.

Mikaail fits is a bit different now though he do get it daily.  His face is flushed just before he gets the attack and then return to normal as soon as he gets the fits. Usually when he gets his fits, we will tell him to relax.  Told his regular neurologist about this and instead of advising me, he asked me what I want to do!  I told him that since he is the doctor, he should advise me instead!  Then he told me that there are several other medications which he could prescribe but these again has its own list of risks!

One of the risk factors in one of the possible alternative medication is behavioral change and/or suicidal.  Can you imagine how ridiculous this is??

Then we went for Mikaail's next appointment with the Orthopaedic team.  Had an xray done first and this is the result.  There is a 3% increase in the degree of his scoliosis.  Nothing that we could do to minimise this increment in the degree of his scoliosis!  The doctor we met today said water play is good for him.

I need to be more frugal and as long as the location is accessible by MRT, then that will be the mode of transport.  We travelled by MRT and with Mikaail on the wheelchair we inevitably have to walk further as we need to get to the lift.

We left this morning around 6:45 am and got home almost at 5:30 pm!  Thought of going to shop around at Causeway Point but was worried it might rain so decided against it.

And we missed you very much too!

Missing You Always

I took leave today as Mariah has 2 medical appointments.  It’s so stressful staying home alone with Mikaail!  The worst is that he dont even know what he wants!!  Urgh!!!!!

When my mum passed away 2 years ago, I had you to comfort me.  Then when Kak Ani passed on, you were around to comfort me too. When a relative or a friend passed on it is never the same as losing the person who had shared all of my adult life.  Most of my happy memories of my adult life are with you.  I’ve lost the one person who was there making all those memories with me and the one person who I can share that smile with when a shared memory pops up.  

…and not only have I lost being able to share memories with you, I’ve lost you from all my new memories.  There are no more happy memories when there should be.  It is very easy to dismiss death as something that happens to everyone when you haven’t had the love of your life die about 40 years too soon.

No matter which angle I look at you've left a huge emptiness in my life!  My whole world gone topsy-turvy.  At times I am so angry that you left me without a warning!  Then when I think about it, I know your departure was not by choice! 

Love you always!

My Lonely Life

Hey Darling

Mikaail had fits very early this morning and another 2 more times during the course of the day.  Like me, he misses you very much too!  Seems like he was asking for you and after explaining to him and he said you are in his heart, the fit hit him!

Last evening my ex classmate was shocked to hear of your passing!  Gosh it's almost 5 months in about 2 weeks and I still cant talk about you without crying!  I'm still very sad and I'm always hoping to meet you in my dreams.

Luv ya always

Loving You Always

Hey Darling

I'm so lonely now that you're gone!  Also so much has happened since.

Mikaail is always telling me that "Da-da no more!"  Sometimes he will say "Da-da finished"  I will remind him that you are in our hearts and that you have us in yours!  Did you ever come back here? Part of me always hope that you will.

The other day I was searching for articles relating to talking to the dearly departed souls.  I came across this:

I'm very tempted to have a go at this but I'm worried that you might not like it. May seem like I'm hunting you down.

Then a colleague told me of a similar thing except that this is like I'm getting into a pyramid shaped building.  I'm trying to visualise it then I will draw and upload the picture.

Love you much!

Darling

You've absolutely no idea how I'm trying to stay positive everyday!  Really tough.  I still hope that you will continually come and visit me in my dreams and we can have our chats like before.  How I miss all those times!

Also Mikaail missed you too and you know he cant express himself so it is much tougher for him!  He's been having his fits daily and today he had 6 times!  I guess he must be thinking of you too.

I hope you can see what I have organised for you and hope you will like it as much as I do.

Luv you always!!

Getting to Lim Chu Kang Muslim Cemetery

Darling

Yesterday, I boarded the MRT to Choa Chu Kang and then transferred to SBS 975 to the Lim Chu Kang Muslim Cemetery.  Service 975 is a loop service but to get to the cemetery, board the bus from the bus stop opposite Lot 1 Shopping Mall.

Alighted at the 2nd bus stop after the bus turned right on to the cemetery area.  On certain religious days, there is another service 405 which will stop just next to the entrance of the Chinese and Muslim cemeteries.

It's a really long walk to your location from the bus stop as shown above.  Just need to remember to bring along at least a bottle of drinking water, fan, umbrella and also deodorant!  Gosh despite it being a cool weather after it rained earlier, I perspired quite a bit from the walking!

Miss you much!

Loving You Always

Darling

It's been more than 4 months since you've departed and yet I still feel like I needed your embrace!  It's like when are you going to come home!!

Eh, darling, I guess you got a much easier life than me!  It's so unfair you know!  I supposed you've been a great person so that's why you had an easy and early death.  So many people of different race and religion told me so.

No matter what, I still feel like: How could you leave me in the lurch??  Yes, it was not by choice that you left but still I'm all alone regardless of whatever the reason!  I still miss you much and I really need you back.  Are you ever going to meet me?

Nowadays I've decided to just juice my dinner ie I'll have either vegetables or fruits.  I bought this Hurom slow juicer previously and have been juicing my vegetables (broccoli, kale, celery + green apples/green grapes).  This is also good for Mikaail as he hardly can chew his vegetables!

Love you much!

Today on 7 Oct 2013

Darling

Daily morning stress for me!  A super packed MRT this morning and there was longer than usual queue at the platform.  And, I am at the platform at the regular time!/

Mikaail this morning said "Da Da no more" several times.  Poor him - didnt know how to mourn for you.  If he's able to maybe it might be easier.  Not that it's easy for me!  You've been such a big part in our lives and with you gone so suddenly ...

I've told Mariah to refrain from stopping him to say "Da Da no more" as this could be his way of mourning for you.  Instead I told her to explain to him that while you have gone to Heaven, you are looking at us from above.  So he must continue to be a good boy like you've known him.  I've also told him that he must always have you in his heart.

No matter what I missed you much!  Life for me now is super empty other than work which somehow gives me a different focus!

Love you much!

Saturday, 5 October

Eh darling - I am so happy this morning!  I dreamt of your last night!!!  At last!!  Thank you!!

You really looked good and did you remember you smiled at me?  For some strange reasons, I dont know why I am sitting at the back of a pick-up.  Perhaps to pick you?  Ha ha ha

Anyway, after you sat next to me in the pick up, I told you that I missed you much.  You smiled and then you hugged me.  I woke up instantly!  Oh how I wished I didnt wake up so maybe I could chat with you for a bit!

I am so happy that I finally dreamed of you.  I told quite a few people too.  Jaye said probably both of us are pretty much settled so that's why.  No, no, no.  I am not quite settled but I really missed you so much!  I really needed your hugs!

I went to Singtel earlier to renew my mobile contract and I got myself Samsung Galaxy Note 3.  Unfortunately after changing my phone, I decided I wont use it yet as I need to change my SIM card to the smaller version, buy the casing and also the privacy screen!  I decided not to buy the micro SIM from Singtel as they charged $35.

Love you much, as always!

Today on Thursday, 3 Oct

Darling

What would you have wanted me to do with all of your belongings?  How I wished we had talked about this even in jest!  Now I'm really unsure!  Hate the thought that I might do the wrong thing!!  At the moment I am leaving every of your belongings status quo!

Last evening, Wed, 2 Oct, one of the directors told me that she was told not to talk to me about your passing away.  I know they are concern but I think she shouldn't tell others not to talk about this.  I really felt like they don't care!  Why can't they approach me and console me?  Perhaps unless she had experienced death of a loved one, she will not know the feeling.  Anyway. whatever the case, don't preach to others.

In fact the other day when I found out that a colleague's father passed away, I sent her a condolence note.  Then another of my colleagues said she didnt know if she should approach this other colleague and offer her condolence.  I told her it should be ok to speak with the colleague who had just lost her dad.  I think sometimes people should ask themselves what if it was them who had lost their loved one?  Would they be sad that people just pretended nothing happened?

Taking the MRT daily is a really stressful experience!  Every trip is full of passengers plus some are so disgustingly smelly even in the morning!  Not sure whether breathing through my mouth is better than nose!!  Also, lately the MRT either moves slower, delayed at the station or there will be an announcement about the train ahead is delayed!

All the comfort in my life is gone and really nothing else for me to look forward to!

Luv ya always !!

In loving memory of my darling husband

Alex Tan

Although you've gone to Heaven
on Friday, 7 June 2013
you are still in our hearts.
As each day passes, we remember you
as always being a loving and caring
"Da Da" to Mikaail &
a loving and caring husband to me.

In life I've loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
that nobody will ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you
but you didn’t go alone.
For part of me went with you
the day Allah took you home.

I miss you and your beautiful smile
and you should know you're worth my while.
I know that someday we will meet again
but only Allah knows when.

Even while I sleep, you are always in my heart.
Please wait for me with open arms.
I long for your touch, your embrace,
your kiss and to hear you say that
you love and miss me.

I'll always love you and
miss you terribly too.
You will be in our hearts forever.
Until we meet again.

With affection & kisses
Nor & Mikaail

The Day Mikaail Fell

Darling

I got a shock of my life - again!  This time Mikaail fell off the bed!  I was preparing to change him as I was going to bring him to Toa Payoh to attend prayers for my mum's 2 years death anniversary.  Then as I walked towards the Philips fan and while my back was turned away from him, I heard a "ke-de-bob" sound.  When I turned back, I saw him in an awkward position on the floor - face down!  Gosh!  I quickly run to him and carried him onto my lap.

I saw some blood dripping from his mouth!  I quickly shook him to wake him up as he looked like he's zonked out! I panicked and as I carried him onto my lap, I didnt realise there was some blood on my dress too!

Mariah dont leave him on his own just for a few seconds and would insist that Marie stand next to him.  I always felt she was over doing this but this incident just goes to show that I shouldnt take it for granted.  Normally he wouldnt turn but this time I am really shocked that he did.  When he was on the floor, he was unable to turn around.

I'll just have to be more careful with him now!

Luv us always!

Love You Always - 26 September 2013

Darling

I missed you so much!  I see you in my mind's eyes stretching out your hands in the hospital clothes after your procedure ie the last time I see you happy!  I feel so empty and no purpose in my life now and I know that I must continue living just for Mikaail.  You know when you were alive, at least I have you to share my daily activities with.  Maybe I shouldnt have terminated your mobile phone so at least I can still sms to you!  I didnt want to end up paying for something that I have no need to use!

A colleague told me that there are couples who were married for much longer than our 20 years but didnt spend too much time together.  So in a way, she said it was like our time was condensed!  Oh ya, I also reminded her about getting a Will as it will save her money and time in future.  She would need to do 2 Wills, I supposed one for herself and another for hubby!

Then another friend told me that she hardly spent much time with her hubby!  I encouraged her to join her husband in doing the things he enjoys then perhaps slowly draw him into her activity.  I told her that we used to go out on weekends together with our son.  So with you gone, I would have to take Mikaail out on my own now as I wouldnt want to keep him at home other than to school!

I missed also practising the Rumba with you.  I'm sure Rumba  would have been our regular activity but now it is collecting dust on your computer table!  On weekday nights as soon as I get home, I have my shower then I prepare the juicing vegetables/fruits, fix the juicer, juice the vegetables/fruits then wash the machine!  Mikaail do enjoy the vegetable juices too and its good for him as he hardly eat vegetables!

There are so many changes on the work front.  Juicy news and I cant talk to you about this now!  It's all bottled up inside me.  Also with all these changes, I might just quit working earlier than I had originally planned.

Luv me!

Loving You Always - 24 Sep 13

Darling

I know that if you are still here with me, you would be so proud of your wife!  I've "recycled" the broccoli and celery pulp and add these to the mashed potato and tuna flakes then add egg to make into tiny pancakes otherwise potato balls.

Ever since you are gone, I've decided to go into juicing instead to minimise the need for cooking.  You know dinner is our time for us to download the day's events so now there is no one who can take your place!

There are so much in my heart that I need to talk to you but would you be able to know?  Can you hear me or visit me?

It's been 3.5 months since you've departed.  On one hand I am happy as I believe you didnt suffer pain since you were heavily sedated.  Now you are carefree as a bird and I am struggling!  So unfair!

The usual morning home stress are evident and at times it seems to get worst by the day. At times I had to literally screamed before the noise subside!

Luv me always!

Loving You Always

Darling

Mikaail said "Missed Da Da" and I said ya, mama too!  You don't know how much your demise affected both of us terribly or did you?  How is it at the other side of the world?  I'm just hoping that you will come back and we are all happy together again!  Can this be real?  Even if both of us kick the bucket now, does it mean we will be together again?

It's the F1 weekend and if you were here, I know you would buy us the F1 bags, t-shirts, etc.  There's so much great memories you left behind.  Worst was we didnt get to spend an time together after the lunch!  I felt damn shortchanged you know!!

I've stopped counting the number of days you've left us as I know you are never going to come back to us.  There is just such a huge emptiness in our lives now.

The other day, the spray pipe had a leak and I had to changed it!  Wasn't sure how to do it but I did it anyway and it worked!

         

 




I've also oiled the keyhole to the mailbox and it's been working fine now.   I've been collecting the mails daily too.  In fact I've left the can of WD40 in the mailbox so the moment there is a slight feel of tightness, I will just spray the keyhole.

Oh btw, I intend to pay a visit at your new home this coming Friday then I'll go back to office.

Remember & luv us always!!

Day 100 on 14 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

I cant believe it's been 100 days today that you've left both Mikaail and me.  We've managed but not without lots of heartache.  I really do not know how if at all Mikaail is mourning for you.  I doubt that he even know how to!  I feel that your loss is slowly hitting him as he is now asking for you almost daily.  It's heartbreaking for me each time he asked for you.

No one really knows how I feel and how difficult it is for me to cope without you.  How true is the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder!  We've been always together all these years and suddenly you are gone in a matter of days!

Today's prayers is again led by Shahid and the regular parties in attendance:

 





The menu for your 100 days were sponsored by our siblings:

Chicken Curry:

     


Sambal Goreng:

  

 Egg Sambal with Sotong:

Desserts:

Day 99 on 13 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

I took leave today to buy the grocery for tomorrow prayers.  After that I planned to bring Mikaail out shopping at Tangs as I intend to purchase a juicer.  Next stop is City Hall for Haagen Daaz ice cream then Bugis for late lunch at Siam Kitchen.

We took the MRT from Woodlands to Orchard.  Then from Orchard to get to Tangs, gosh, it is so inconvenient as it is not wheelchair accessible at all!  We ended up walking past Takashimaya and down towards Orchard Link, crossed the traffic light then towards Paragon and then towards Lucky Plaza and then to Tangs!  That's the last time I will go to Tangs unless there is wheelchair access!

  

 

Day 97 on 11 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Please take me with you!  I'm really missing the other part of me!  Though I cry much lesser now, there still isn't a day when I dont shed tears!  It's really frustrating.  Though I have family and friends, you are still my missing link!

I miss discussing the day's activities with you.  After 20 years we've been doing almost everything together, I'm really finding it tough to carry on living without you!  And you know sometimes I just feel like you will be coming back but I know it's impossible.  All your things are still as they were when we left for SGH on Tuesday, 3 June for the procedure.

Do you know that I now leave office around 5:15 pm and I reached home about an hour and a bit depending on the SMRT drivers?  Nothing to look forward to other than Mikaail playing peek-a-boo with me.

Luv ya

Day 95 on 9 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

It's school holiday this week and also your 100 days prayers!  I'll probably take leave this Friday to get some of the groceries for Saturday's prayers.

Oh ya, your eldest brother's wife passed away this afternoon and 3rd brother's wife said I shouldnt go as it is still within 100 days of your demise.  

While I was at work today, Mariah called to say that there were 2 social workers from NHC at home!  I was rather shocked.  There was no appointment nor a call from them relating to the visit.  Anyway, looking back, I would say that NHC is full of surprises!

1. A routine procedure conducted by a senior consultant resulted in death
2. A social worker who had no sense of urgency suddenly decided to call me while I am at work and thinks nothing of causing further distress to me.
3. Her supervisor who made a surprise visit to our home today and was even more surprised when I told her that I am at work!

My intention was to follow up with the social worker who called me 2 months after you had passed away but there were some issues I need to settle first.  I feel that they do have some form of process they are following relating to your death.  Why wait 2 months before they call then 1 month after their first call?  Thought process?

I probably take leave to meet them this Wednesday together with Jaye and possibly, Andy.  Not decided yet but that's the plan for now.

See you tonight.

Luv ya always!!

Day 94 on 8 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

You know what?  This morning Mikaail asked me "da da?".  Usually he would have said "da da no more"  So I asked him if he saw you in his dreams and he said yes.  He showed me the "good" sign.  I asked him if you told him to be a good boy and he said yes.  Not sure if he really comprehends this.

I miss you too!  Though I know you are never coming back, a part of me is still longing for you.  I miss all the times we spent together and the smses we sent to each other so often.  After 20 years of marriage and suddenly I am left all alone, it is really difficult for me to adjust.  Every one I know told me I need to move on.  Sure.  I know that but it's not easy and they also know that.

Songs that remind me of you and mails with your name bring the sadness in my heart.  I supposed at the end of the day, I am not ready to let go.  I am still clinging on to all things related to you.  I don't know if there is really life the other side and how you are getting by, if there is really such a thing!

It will soon be 100 days since you've departed.  If its not for work, I'll probably gone bananas!  At least the job keeps my mind focus elsewhere.  Weekends and public holidays which I used to look forward to are now very much dreaded!  In my mind you are very much alive and I still see you with both hands stretched out showing me the stickers which were left behind by the hospital.  These memories also bring back all the sadness again.  I am afraid I might lose all the memories in time to come.  There are so many more things I need to discuss with you but how to??

I came across a newspaper article you cut and keep in your drawer.  I'm not sure if I should contact the doctor and bring Mikaail there for review.  Who do I consult?  Can I trust the medical professionals?  What if something else happens?  How do I go on?

Changed my mind about going to the library today as the clouds look like it was going to open up any moment!

Anyway, after changing from Starhub to Singtel, the TV was not connected to the speakers.  I had to call Hashim to help fix them up.  So now all 3 speakers are re-connected to the TV.

Miss you terribly!

Day 91 on 5 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Mikaail seems to remember you now as he will casually say "Da Da no more".  This morning while I was bathing him, he also said so.  I told him, yes, da da no more and da da always remind you to be an obedient boy, right.  Unlike me, I can cry and talk about my feelings.  He cant.  I think his tear duct must have been screwed up by the professionals!

I went to the doctor this morning as I've been feeling breathless lately.  Did an ECG and results are ok.  Doctor gave me paracetemol but said it could cause drowsiness!!  Never heard that paracetemol can cause drowsiness.  She told me that the breathlessness could just be a muscle tightness.

This evening both of them squabble again - the usual but really pissed me.  It's generally quiet until I come home.  I asked if I should even come home then.  Like I've always say, work is not as stressful as home so much so I hate weekends though I need it to "recharge".  How can I recharge when I am more stressed up???

I think this Saturday I would probably go to NTUC Finest to get the kale.  Then on Sunday, I plan to spend the day at the library.  Mikaail will be bored if I am just at home with him.  He will be asking me what am I doing every few minutes or even seconds!  Gosh, I can just hear him asking me!!!  As you know, it is difficult to go to the malls on a weekend!

Just now I just felt like I should just end it all!  I would need to end him first but I dont think I would be able to do so!  Darling, please tell me what to do!!

Luv ya always

Day 90 on 4 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

First thing Mikaail said to me when he woke up this morning was "Da Da no more".  I know he missed you as much as I do, if not more!  I dont know how to extract his emotion of losing you from him.  I am still struggling to move and this is despite me having the opportunity to speak to quite a few people about my emotions.  He cant!  Is it good or bad?

Tomorrow is teachers' day celebration in his school.  Too many things on my mind and I almost forgot about getting the presents.

Also nowadays I tend to sleep in the mrt on my journey home.  It's a long journey and I'm usually very tired at the end of the day!

I dont know if I will ever meet you in my dreams and I wonder how life is there for.

Luv ya always!

Day 89 on 3 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

I'm still waiting to see you, love!  Whatever it is, I miss you so much.  I'm really lonely and have no one to share my thoughts and feelings anymore.  I do have my sisters but it's not the same like when I share things

Somehow sometimes in my mind I still feel that though you are no longer at home and I know that you are never coming back, I am yearning to feel your touch and kiss!  What are you doing there now?  Can you hear us or know that we are missing you?  Will you ever come in my dreams?

Finally, today I've terminated your mobile line and all of Starhub services.  I've signed up for the MIOTV and fibre optic with Singtel which commenced yesterday.

Luv you always

Day 86 on 31 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Your colleague, or rather your ex-colleague, Karine, told me the the Starlight Club for special needs children held an outing to the Gardens By The Bay on Saturday, 31 August.  She extended the application to me and I signed up for this.  Thought might be a good alternative to shopping malls!

  

Pick up was from Toa Payoh Community Centre at 9 am so we stayed over in Toa Payoh on Friday evening.  They went to TP after school and I joined them after work on Friday.  We had dinner at Fork & Spoon.

Spent the whole morning at Gardens By The Bay.  On the whole it's not too bad as most of the places we went were all air-conditioned.  Easily accessible on wheelchair.  Other than one occasion when the wheelchair toilet was occupied by their own security personnel, everything else was smooth.  You know how pissed I get when able bodied people misused the wheelchair toilets?

Initially I thought we'll just walk to the MRT station after the event but realised that the MRT station is a long walk and the weather was rather hot by the time we were about to leave.  Got a lift to the Marina Bay MRT station by the bus driver who was booked to transport the participants back to Bukit Panjang CC.

Incidentally Rose was at Fork & Spoon in TP.  We met her there for lunch then went over to NTUC.  After that, we stayed over in Toa Payoh to collect all our stuff back.  Ain gave us a lift home.  Nowadays after a day's outing, it's just me to clean him up unlike those days when you are around to help me!  That's why my weekends are so stressful now.  I have to attend to his entire needs from the time he wakes up till he goes to sleep!  There are days when he urinate on his chair so it does get overwhelming sometimes.

Of course I do feel like ending it all for both of us.  I wouldnt just end mine.  It wont be right for anyone else to take care of him then.

Luv us always!!