Day 184 on 8 Dec 13: Living without My Darling Husband

So much to do today!  With the movers coming in about 2 weeks time, I felt so overwhelmed having to clear the place!  Worst, so much memories of us packing the stuff together when we renovated our home 2 years ago and now, it is just me!  OMG!!!   Why, oh why???  How could a 1% risk procedure claimed your life???  You were supposed to get better from the procedure and not dead!  Honestly I still feel that as there were 6 - 8 persons attending to you in the lab, someone may have been complacent.  Perhaps didnt follow the process and made a serious blunder!  Cant help thinking about this!!

Also, I cant bear to shift your things!  I dont know what I should do with them!!  Oh how I wished we had talked about all these!  Too much sadness just to open your wardrobe!.  It's worst now as I must clear them so the movers can transfer all the contents.

Early this morning Mikaail wet the bed 2 times and then again in the afternoon!!  I was so furious with him and scolded him.  He said he was sorry.  I asked him why he didnt wake me and he said he forgot!  I guess it is unlikely that he forgot.  I think it is likely he didnt even realise that he needed to pee.  I'm sure it was unintentional but then again I feel that I need to let him know not to just pee without telling!

He is losing weight recently as he ate very little.  Although he says "da da no more", I am sure he doesn't really understand the meaning of death.  He seems to be in a world of his own and sometimes he stares blankly.  Unlike me, he didnt even cry and may not even know how to mourn for you!

I  still see you in my mind's eyes - your smile, I yearned for your touch and the warmth of your body!  Now there is just coldness.  I'm feeling really sad.