Day 86 on 31 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Your colleague, or rather your ex-colleague, Karine, told me the the Starlight Club for special needs children held an outing to the Gardens By The Bay on Saturday, 31 August.  She extended the application to me and I signed up for this.  Thought might be a good alternative to shopping malls!

  

Pick up was from Toa Payoh Community Centre at 9 am so we stayed over in Toa Payoh on Friday evening.  They went to TP after school and I joined them after work on Friday.  We had dinner at Fork & Spoon.

Spent the whole morning at Gardens By The Bay.  On the whole it's not too bad as most of the places we went were all air-conditioned.  Easily accessible on wheelchair.  Other than one occasion when the wheelchair toilet was occupied by their own security personnel, everything else was smooth.  You know how pissed I get when able bodied people misused the wheelchair toilets?

Initially I thought we'll just walk to the MRT station after the event but realised that the MRT station is a long walk and the weather was rather hot by the time we were about to leave.  Got a lift to the Marina Bay MRT station by the bus driver who was booked to transport the participants back to Bukit Panjang CC.

Incidentally Rose was at Fork & Spoon in TP.  We met her there for lunch then went over to NTUC.  After that, we stayed over in Toa Payoh to collect all our stuff back.  Ain gave us a lift home.  Nowadays after a day's outing, it's just me to clean him up unlike those days when you are around to help me!  That's why my weekends are so stressful now.  I have to attend to his entire needs from the time he wakes up till he goes to sleep!  There are days when he urinate on his chair so it does get overwhelming sometimes.

Of course I do feel like ending it all for both of us.  I wouldnt just end mine.  It wont be right for anyone else to take care of him then.

Luv us always!!

Day 85 on 30 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Went to your plot earlier this morning as I took leave.  I told my boss, Jordi, that I need to visit you.  My plan was to board the MRT to Chua Chu Kang station then change to SBS 975 to Lim Chu Kang Muslim Cemetery.

Initially I had wanted to ask Jay along but she has to accompany Sarah to her dentist.  Anyway, Sin Ruey gave me a lift from Chua Chu Kang station.  He said he sometimes travel towards Lim Chu Kang on his way to his office. I didnt want to trouble anyone to get to your place!

Oh, btw, I've pretty much decided the design for your plot.  Hope you'll like it.  It'll be different from the norm.  Gosh, so much left for me to decided on my own!  Nothing is the same when you were here! - ZI

Then on my way back from your plot, I decided to stop over at my mum's.  Your plot and my mum's are rather close.  Perhaps separated by 2 blocks.  I would have to pass by the block anyway on my way home.  I didnt buy extra flowers though.  Hopefully next month when I go, I'll buy extra flowers for both you and my mum.

 

 

And you know what?  While walking out along the road, there was this lady and her dad in their car.  She offered me a lift out to the main road.  Her dad later asked me where I was going and I told them going home after visiting your plot and my mum.  They gave me a lift to Choa Chu Kang station as they are staying in Chua Chu Kang too!  What a fantastic coincidence!  I got a lift to the cemetery and got a lift from the cemetery.

While chatting I told him that some people say things like this happen as a test!  I'm so annoyed and pissed. He is so understanding.  He said people who do not suffer the lost may not understand but nevertheless, dont think of the loss as a test.  Instead be strong and continue living.  That was really useful.  I always wonder why people tell me it's a test!  Test of what???

Please visit me in my dreams!
Luv ya always!

Day 81 on 26 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Mikaail is missing you and I doubt he comprehends the meaning of death!  The past couple of days he had asked for you.  He doesn't even know how to mourn for you!  I've only told him that you have gone to Heaven!  He's unusually quiet and eats very little too!

This morning before I left for work, I reminded him that you are in Heaven and that he must be a good boy.  He must eat and drink more so as not to get sick.

I'm really not sure what you would have wanted me to do now.  As you know it gets really stressful caring for him but that doesn't mean I won't give him the care and love.  If only we had discussed this option in advance!  At least I told you what I was going to do with your car!  So I did make an extra $2K and not just break even as what you said!  I'll get the refund of the insurance but road tax was a loss as I cant get the refund!

Who would have thought that the low risk procedure could turned fatal?  At the end of the day, on one hand, I'm glad that you didnt have to hang on to life.  What if you survived the ordeal but didnt come home a complete person?  The doctor did say they may need to amputate your right hand as the nerves were dead and gangrene may set in.  Or you could still be medically alive but ...

I'm missing you so much!!
Your wife

Day 80 on 25 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Something is so wrong with Mikaail today.  He hardly eat much today and is also very quiet.  He was also looking for you!

I found this while clearing out the stuff from your car the other day.  Mariah said no point keeping it then I felt the sudden sadness in my heart!

We've always been together on weekends and I supposed both Mikaail and I are still not coming to terms with not having you physically in the home.

Other than going to school and work, it is very tough to move on without you!  I no longer look forward to weekends and public holidays. In fact these are the days I feel more stress as the full responsibility of taking care of Mikaail falls on me entirely since Mariah goes home.

Do remember to visit (in my dreams!) ok!  

Luv ya!

Day 79 on 24 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling

This morning I brought Mikaail to Tan Tock Seng Hospital to repair his handsplint.  The last time the previous therapist repair the handsplint, there was a crack but no one notice.  Only when Mikaail wore it to school then his therapist saw it.  There is a hairline crack across the palm position.  The therapist today, Celeste, patch it up with a piece of white plastic.  I might need to get a replacement unit soon.

We took the MRT to the hospital and alighted at Novena station then walk to the clinic - a breeze!  I've now decided that when getting into the MRT, ideally go either at the front end or back end of the MRT - less crowded.  The wheelchair signs are around the middle of the MRT which is also the most crowded area!  I must provide the feedback to SMRT!  SMRT should have put those wheelchair signages at the front end or back end of the MRT. 

I like the signage that remind the passengers to give way to the following categories of passengers!  

Ever so often the very able passengers rush into the lift too!

And today we went to Woodgrove CC to collect our food ration and Hari Raya packet from Woodgrove CC.  

 




The selection criteria is based on income, needs and recommendation from the Grassroots Adviser Mr Ong Teng Koon, also the MP for this area.  He came to visit earlier in June when you had just passed away.  He asked how was I managing and what was my immediate concern.  I told him that with your demise, my household income was halved instantly and my immediate concern was transportation for Mikaail.  I told him that I had already contacted the Handicapped Welfare Association but they told me that they do not have any available transport.  He did say that they have their contacts.  That was in June and now it's already August.  So far, I didnt hear back from any of the CC about them being able to source transportation for us.

Anyway, I've been booking a taxi every morning.  We did have a regular pick up previously.  The first was a Pakcik but he fell asleep on the wheel!  Then there is another 2 other drivers.  The 2nd driver has to depend on his son ie if his son is late, then we will be late.  Also he is so tidy that he keeps all the passengers seat belts away!  The 3rd was actually very good.  For the past few days that he picked them up, he had his door and boot opened, waiting for us.  Then after the 4th or 5th day, he decided that he could get 3 more passengers if he dont pick Mikaail.  It's not often passengers from elsewhere would want to come to Woodlands in the morning!  It's a pity but that's totally understandable.

Now, we've have another taxi driver who said he is able to pick Mikaail to school.  So let's see how when Tuesday comes as Monday is school holiday.

Though I know that you are never coming back, I just keep on hoping that I will see you somehow.  Eh, please I dont mean it that you appear in front of my face!  Gosh, my hair stands man!  See me in my dreams, ok.  I love you much and life is very different now - empty - is the word!!

Luv U Always & Forever!

Day 78 on 23 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Fire drill day today and as always, most of my colleagues dont stay in the office.  So likewise I also left the office earlier.  Skipped lunch at work so I can finish more of my work stuff then head for home.  My original plan was to go to your place but had a change of plans.  Mariah needed to collect her medication since the previous time she went to the hospital, the hospital pharmacy didnt have the stocks available!  Some screwed up inventory system!

The taxi driver we got this morning stays in Woodlands and sends his wife to Republic Poly so he is ok to pick Mikaail up daily.  So hopefully can be as regular as possible.  Will start from Tuesday, 27 August as Monday, 26 August is school holiday in lieu of their sports day.  Nowadays I've decided to book Transcab taxis as their cabs are the Toyota Wish and it's bigger.

Lately Mikaail hasnt been feeling himself.  He is very quiet and eat very little too.  The past 2 days he passed motion while having his shower and he didnt even know.  I was annoyed really as I did ask him earlier if he wants to pass motion.  At the end of the day, I guess he just couldnt control his bowels perhaps as it is not like him to be mischievous.

Eh, darling, how come I dont have a sense of you coming to just look over us or me for that matter?  Hope you are ok.  I am really concerned how you are there.

Day 77 on 22 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Darling

The day you left me, you took my heart away!  Life is never the same without you!  It's a stupid thought but I just hope you will come back to me!  I think of you ever so often and I see your image in my mind too.

The taxi driver that picked Mikaail up over the past few days have decided not to pick them up anymore.  This driver lives in Pasir Ris.  He took up the job as he needs to top up the CNG tank in Woodlands.  So thought was well and good.  Yesterday he said that he could have picked possibly 3 more runs if he dont pick Mikaail.  I did say from the start that pick up would need to be between 6:45 am and 7:00 am.  Any later, then we will all be late at school and work.  So all good things must end :(

Also, I told Mariah if Mikaail enjoys going to school daily, then just go.  Dont skip classes to save the transportation cost.  As you know, I generally am not a high maintenance person so I will manage the costs.

I went lunch with another of my colleagues today.  I supposed people who had loved and been loved before knows exactly the feeling of losing someone close to their hearts.

Oh ya, this morning, Mikaail again passed motion while I was bathing him.  Of course I was pissed off.  I scolded him as I asked him earlier if he needed to pass motion.  He originally said yes then changed his mind,  He has never done this before other than yesterday.  Dont know what is happening to him too!  

Luv ya always!
Your wife

Day 74 on 19 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Darling

First thing first - I've sold off your car!  Yippee and you should be proud of me as it was pretty much my own effort!  Remember that I told you I will sell off your car if you kicked the bucket before me?  Unfortunately I had no choice but to sell of the car as the car is of no use to me!  This is the last picture I took with the car!

Anyway, I went online to sgcarmart to advertise, got a broker who sourced for car dealers to buy the car.  All done in a span of less than 2 weeks from the time we got the interim probate letter to sell the car.  I've just met up with the car dealer to collect the cheque.

This morning while I was travelling on the MRT, something about you hit me and I just started crying!  Trying to recall what was it but couldnt figure it out.

Hey, I heard that you paid a visit at TP.  Did you?  Why?

Anyway, I'm trying to reach out to you!  Hope to see you in my dreams ok.  One of my colleagues told me that if you dont come back it's because you are at peace.  I hope you are at peace but do sometimes say Hi to me in my dreams.  I miss you much!

Luv you always

Day 73 on 18 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Darling

Did you ever meet Irfan, your parents and mine?  Please send my love to all of them!  Kiss and hug Irfan for me ok!

Another hot day today!  Thought could bring Mikaail out to Causeway Point to take photo for his IC but I'll probably just melt under the sun!  Will ask Mariah to bring him to the photo shop on their way home from school this week!

Mikaail had fits again while having his lunch today.  Though there's not much more I could do to help him get over the fits, it makes a lot of difference when you are around regardless.

I'll always love you & you'll always be in my heart.  Please remember me always!  When will you meet me??

Luv, your beloved wife

Day 72 on 17 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Another stressful weekend!  Nowadays with you no longer around, I have to manage Mikaail pretty much all by myself.  Also, I no longer go for my retail therapy ie supermarket shopping!  I do my grocery shopping after work.  The house is extremely quiet too!  As you know, tv programmes are not my cup of tea so we only listen to YouTube and Mikaail's tv programmes.

Mikaail had fits 3 times today!  I'm going to let him drink the baking soda concoction tomorrow.  Kamis had been sending a few of us some links and this baking soda has a zillion benefits!  In particular, this is the extract from 21st CenturyNetworker and I am keen to experiment with changing the alkaline level of the body.

There also are interesting health benefits when you drink baking soda, which is alkaline, in water. Viruses and diseases such as colds, flu, cancer and even heart disease thrive in an acidic body, but cannot survive when your body is alkaline. The 2009 Journal of the American Society of Nephrology revealed a study of 134 patients with advanced kidney disease. Taking baking soda daily dramatically slowed down the progression of kidney disease, resulting in no need for dialysis.

To increase your body’s pH, take 1/4 tsp. of baking soda dissolved in one-half glass of water on an empty stomach, once in the morning and again before bedtime. Acidity and alkalinity is measured by pH, which ranges from 0 to 14 with 7.0 being neutral; a pH above 7.0 is alkaline, and below 7.0 is acidic. Baking soda has the highest pH of 14. Create a healthy body by keeping your body’s pH between 7.1 and 7.5.

Drink the baking soda and water solution at the very beginning of cold or flu symptoms, such as a runny nose or sneezing, to help kill the viruses. Keep your body alkaline by increasing fresh fruits and vegetables in your diet.

Drink a glass of water with a half lemon or lime squeezed into it twice daily if you are unable to take baking soda and water. Lemons and limes are acidic but become alkaline in your body, raising your alkalinity almost as well as baking soda.

For general purposes of alkalinizing the body, quarter to half a teaspoon twice a day in water is usually enough.

Lu ya always!!

Day 71 on 16 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Dear

You know something?  70 days after your death, I received a call from this lady, Jariah, this morning.  She is from Social Work Dept in National Heart Centre.  She told me that she couldnt reach me and I almost told her to cut the crap directly!  I kept my cool so I told her that I usually returned call to missed calls and I definitely did not get any missed calls from her!

Anyway, she called to ask if I needed any support!  I told her I would have needed it much more 70 days ago!  She told me that she could arrange for referrals!  Referrals?  Refer to Family Service Centre!  Ya, like hell I need the referral to FSC!  What is the point of referring me to here and there when I wont be able to get any assistance!

There was this lady from the Woodlands RC who came to offer assistance, somewhere before your 40th day prayers.  She's really helpful though.  She gave me this CHAS form to complete.  This CHAS scheme will literally reduce the medical expenses at the private GPs and dental.  When I looked at the form, I know I wont qualify.  The criteria was the applicant per capita income of the household must not exceed $1,400, occupants must be blood relation and in the same address.  She told me should ok due to the different circumstances. Unfortunately, the application was rejected.  So do I need anymore referrals?  I dont think so!

Luv you!

Day 69 on 14 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Darling

Got a call this morning from a car dealer, Gary from Urban Motors.  He had made an offer through Quotz for your car at $58K.  At this price, we would have broke even just as you've said!  If only everything you said would come true when you are alive, I think we'll just stay home especially when you can predict Toto results!  Ha ha ha

Arranged for him to come to view the car at 7 pm tonight and I also got both Andy and Sin Ruey to come along.  He told me that he was going to view but when he came he brought a delivery note to take over the car.  I wasnt sure if I should release the car to him as there is no payment but only a paper!  Anyway, I did release the car to him.

He arranged with me that he will come to pick me up the next morning to go to LTA and Maybank to do the transfer and settlement as he lives near Vista Point.  I also asked Jaye to accompany me the next morning.

Then when I got home, I called my boss Jordi to let him know that  need to take half day urgent leave to sort the car matters.  As always, he was accommodating.

Luv ya always!

Day 67 on 12 August 2013: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Finally, I've decided to terminate your Starhub mobile line.  I went to Starhub after work today and when the guy asked me for the reason, I just broke down and cry!  I had to quickly compose myself again and he was a bit shocked I think.  Anyway he said he will just suspend the line first as the Cable and Home Broadband are both in your name and would need to transfer to my name, which I didnt want.as I wont be retaining these services with Starhub.

I'm moving both these services to Singtel so I can change my handset annually.  Also, I was damn pissed off with the Sales person in Starhub, Sam Lee.  He was so rude when I told him I've changed my mind about retaining these services with Starhub.  He said he gave me the benefit of the doubt that you've passed on!  I screamed into his ears and told him not to be silly!  Who would joke on matters like this?  Such an idiot!  I did email my complain to Starhub customer service on Sunday, 11 August and have yet to receive a reply from them too!  So much for being a loyal Starhub customer!

Luv you much!

Day 66 on 11 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Nowadays our weekends and holidays are extremely depressing!  Not sure if you know.  We miss you very much!

Gone are the days when we could go out as a complete family!  Now its just me and Mikaail.  I brought him out to JEM yesterday after his medical appointment at Tan Tock Seng Hospital.  Nowadays when I bring Mikaail out, I usually take the MRT too.  I try not to depend on anyone else or even the taxis unless no choice.  For school, they have to take taxi or it will be super difficult for them to go to school.

You were ever the thoughtful and loving one to me.  Now my life feels so empty and alone.  Though some of them try to comfort me, no one really understand my inner feelings.  It will take time to heal my broken heart I am sure.  I didnt even realise that I have been so dependent on you all these years until you are gone!  If only I could turn back clock!

I always thought we would grow old together and holding hands when we walk!  You just dont know how lonely I am now.  Even while I sleep, you are always in my heart.  I long for your touch, your embrace, your kiss and to hear you say that you love and missed me.

Love you always!

Day 65 on 10 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hello darling

How are you today?  I miss you deeply and want you to be with me.  I've decided that I am not celebrating the festivities and holidays without you.

I think Mikaail is missing you too though he cant tell me.  He is rather quiet these days and eat little.  There were several times now where he suddenly say "dada no more.  Dada go heaven to see nenek!"  I always have to keep reminding him that you are in his heart and he is in your heart!

I always ask myself why did you leave me and go away so soon? Please give me signs to let me know that you still love me and give me a message.  Let me know that you are able to hear me.

The other day, Jaye said Sarah dreamed of you.  I've told her that the next time she dreamed of you, please ask you to visit me in my dreams too!

Please take care and remember that I am waiting for you!

Love you always & forever

Day 64 on 9 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Today is Singapore's 48th birthday and we spent our day at home again.

I'm thinking that I should continue doing my website design/internet marketing.  Also, I'm planning to go on juice diet.  My brother sent a couple of links and I'll probably start with this green blended drink from this site:  www.mindbodygreen.com.  My intention was to entirely stop eating seafood and meat.  Today I had 3 types of juices:

1. Baking soda (1/2 tsp)  mixed with a glass - sort of a detox
2. Apple, Beetroot & Carrot juice
3. Grapefruit, Lemon, Orange & Carrot juice

Tomorrow I'm going to JEM after Mikaail's medical appointment.  Will see if I can get hold of this vegetable, kale.  Initially, I thought it was kailan but looking at the photo, I realised it is different.  Looks more like a mixed breed of broccoli and some other green veg.

Also, I might bring Mikaail for walks after work once the Chinese 7th Month is over. 

The other thing is I am now beginning to feel the tiredness too.  Will go to the doctor either on 19 or 20 August!  Also, I will alternate my cholesterol medication once I am comfortable with the vegetable juicing.

Keep you updated!

Day 63 on 8 Aug: Living without My Darling Husband

Darling

Today is first day of Hari Raya but I've decided not to celebrate the Hari Raya as it is just too much for me to handle the festivities! 

I went to your grave with Cindy, Simon and Diana early this morning.  As we were very early the place was not crowded.  We also went to Irfan's, my mum and my dad's place.  The plan was only to visit your place so I only bought flowers and rose water for you! 

                        

Then I brought Mikaail to our favourite joint and we went via MRT.   Made a slight detour and headed to Changi City Point first for lunch first.  And guess who we met at Changi City Point?   Met my brother, Kamis!  He's also not into the Hari Raya celebration!  The best part at 67 years old he still looks good!  Told me that he is ow medicine free and he goes for walks and runs.  He's pretty much given up with the medical professionals!  He almost lost his life in their hands!  He was also shocked that you lost your life after a relatively low risk procedure.  His mantra now is to have peace in your heart.  You cant change the world and live and let live.

                        

While talking with him, tears just welled up in my eyes!  I told him that all your things are still as it is.  He told me to leave it.  It's not necessary to do anything to them.  I also told him about the counsellor who was assigned to me.  I was hoping this counsellor could help but seems like it wasn't the case.   He said I shouldnt have to depend on others.  I should try and work around what I think is best for myself now and not to be bothered about what others think.

You are just too young to be called back I supposed and after all these years that you have been providing me with all the comfort, the house is just too quiet.  It's now just a roof over my head.  If not for Mikaail, I really have nothing else in this world!  I am really alone now!

Also, I am not sure how you are there.  I am really concerned.  I mentioned this to him and he said as God is compassionate and forgiving, it's not like you will be punished so I shouldnt have to worry about you.

Love you always!

Day 62 on 7 Aug: Living without My Darling Husband

Hey darling

Today's session in school was a two hour session for the National Day celebration for the children. Mariah got all the face tattoos from the National Day Preview which she went to last weekend.  All dressed up for the party in school!

We're still unable to get a regular driver to pick them to school so will have to see how it goes next week. There was one other driver who said he may be able to pick them to school after his taxi is repaired this week.

Initially Mariah thought of not going to school as it was for 2 hours.  I told her as Mikaail enjoys such activities then they should go and not worry about the taxi fare!  I would rather minimise cost elsewhere!

You know this morning when I was in the MRT,  I managed to get a seat but it was at the Reserved Seat!  Since there was no other passenger who needs the seat more than I do, I sat there till midway through my journey when the passenger next to me got off.  I immediately swapped seats.  Then something in my mind went nuts and I just cried and I couldnt stop my tears!!

I bought these flowers for you.  I don't know if you can see them from up above.  Where are you actually dear?  I am feeling as if you are away and I will at some point see you again.  Eh, see me in my dreams ok!  I missed you very much and really, 20 years is not a short time!  I really feel so abandoned!

 

Day 61 on 6 Aug: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Today is 2 months since you've departed.  I guess you wouldnt have known that you were going this way.   There are just so many things that we do together that with you gone, I am really struggling with my days especially weekends!  You know the house is extremely quiet as I hardly watched TV.

I've been reading articles from Google relating to life after death in Islam and Christianity.  What happens to believers and non-believers!  My mind is still not at ease as I really dont know what is happening to you there.  I have yet to be able to sell off the car and I doubt I would be interested to take up driving just so I can drive the car!  I would rather just take a cab if I need to travel somewhere with Mikaail.  Otherwise, I would rather just take the MRT and bus if I have to.  I know I need to be more independent to move around.  It's not easy to do so after 20+ years of door-to-door comfort!  

BTW, I didnt feel that the counsellor I met is able to provide me with the necessary support.  I've been busy at work and didnt get a chance to speak with the HR manager to provide her the feedback.

Remember the rocks Rose bought for Irfan and my mum?  Finally I opened up the box and gosh the rocks are rather small!  I have yet to have a go at designing the rocks so would have to try it out perhaps over the weekends.  Not doing this over this long holidays though.  I'll be bringing Mikaail to our favourite spot!

Came across this quote while reading through some articles on death!

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,

Love leaves a memory no one can steal

Luv ya always!

Day 60 on 5 August - Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

My day today!  You know what?  After all these years that we've lived in this block, today is the first time we were stuck in the lift!  Not a good start on a Monday morning or as a matter of fact, not any time at all to be stuck in a lift!  It's stuffy as the ventilation also stopped.

Then once we got out of the lift, I called Transcab to book a taxi and was told 5 minutes.  The driver called back soon after to confirm the booking.  This is good but he came almost 10 minutes later!

Then by the time I got to the MRT, I was already a bit pissed!  This silly MRT driver kept braking so hard so many times.  Then came the announcement that the heavy braking was due to technical fault.  Sure, just blamed on technicalities!  Then the MRT customer service who are stationed at the platforms.  I find them rather irritating too!  Bloody train is already packed and they keep asking people to move in and passengers stay rooted so what do they do?  Absolutely nothing!  Just lip service!!  Urgh!!!!

Also, I told my boss that gone are the days when I arrive at 7:15 am in the office.  If the taxi comes at pick up point punctually, then maybe I might just make it to office by 8:15 am.  How do I ever not be stressed?  That's why I was very disappointed when one of my colleagues said what she said.  Anyway, you know the ratio of the words, tone and body language formula?

The security guy saw me this morning in the life on my way up to office and he asked about you!  My tears just welled up in my eyes then I told him you've passed away.  I am still not ready to talk about you as it hurts so much.  Even now when I am writing to you there are tears in my eyes.  If only you know and if only you can see me now.  I am missing you very much!  Whenever this happens, I try to control my tears.

Oh ya, I also went to Starhub as I wanted to terminate your phone line. I think it's $98/month for your phone line and it's not used at all.  I was thinking of switching to Singtel so I can change my phone annually but the Singtel guys said I need to pay $148 or something.  This is for Singtel to do some installation of some cable for the Mio or home broadband.  I was reluctant to pay anything additional.  I know Starhub would not charge me if I recontract the plan.  Will see what I can do tomorrow evening when I get home.

Then later in the day another of my colleagues messaged me to ask how I've been keeping myself.  She was just back from her medical leave herself.  I'm glad that there are really thoughtful and caring colleagues around me.  They really gave their shoulders to cry on in that sense.  Unfortunately the counsellor was not of much help really - quite disappointing!  I had expected them to be able to provide more support but that is not the case.  I've never been to a counsellor before and after meeting them, I doubt they are really professional and are able to provide the counselling!

Oh another thing, this morning, Mikaail had his fits while I was showering him!  The places he has fits can be anywhere!  So I just have to be very careful!

Love us always & we love you much!

Day 59 on 4 Aug - Living Without My Darling Husband

Another lonely weekend and its going to be common from now on!  I have not given much thought on how to fill the weekends yet and Mikaail is also showing his boredom.  Yesterday I brought him to JEM, the new shopping mall in Jurong East.  It's easier as Jurong East MRT station is closer to home.

Today I didnt bring him out though my intention was to bring him to the supermarket for some grocery shopping.

He has two times his short circuit and for some reasons, he actually passed motion in his pants and then he was apologetic!  Dirtied the bed too as I didnt know that he already dirtied his pants.  I wanted to change him on the bed when all the poo ended on the bed!  Gosh!

I am still hoping to see you in my dreams!  Do come to me ok!  After being married for 20 years, it is not easy for me to just move on without you.  No one will really understand how I feel unless they have been loved and had loved someone before.

Also, I am planning to go to see the plot this Thursday if I can as I wont be bringing Mikaail along.  So will have to depend on whether Mariah is ok to stay over or come back early on Thursday.

Day 58 on 3 August - Living Without My Darling Husband

Went to JEM this morning after breakfast.  We took the MRT and leaving late in the morning is good too as the MRT is not packed!  Anyway, we arrived JEM at noon.  Bought 2 white t-shirts to replace his school uniforms as his school is looking at changing the uniforms. Also he's also outgrown them.  Also bought a battery operated shaver from NTUC Xtra.

Having some difficulty shaving him using the manual shaver as I am afraid I might cut him as he wont be able to tell me if I did!  Looks easy to use though.

This morning while I showered Mikaail he said dada no more then he asked if you were busy!  We both missed you and though today is 58th day already, I still didnt dream of you at all!  How have you been?  I hope you are ok there.  Did you meet our parents and Irfan?

I always feel as if I can expect you home at some point.  You took a huge part of me along with you, did you know that?  Sometimes I really dont feel like life is worth living anymore but I cant just leave Mikaail for others to care for him.  As you know, taking care of him is not without challenges!  I'm wondering if you will ever come to my dreams!  I hope it will be soon.  I'm craving to see you again!!  I needed to know how you have been all these past 58 days.  How is life there?  It wouldnt be the same here I dont think.  I hope you are adjusting too.  Do you see us at all and do you miss us too?  May seem silly to be asking you these questions!

Next week is a 3 day work week since Thursday is Hari Raya and Friday is National Day.  The loneliness in the house can drive me nuts.  Nowadays weekends are so quiet that I no longer look forward to weekends except that I dont have to go to work!  With the long holidays coming, I am thinking of going for a weekend getaway so I dont have to be in the house practically by myself though Mikaail and Marie are here.  Really trying for me and also, I didnt want to be celebrating any festivities anymore since you're gone.

Anyway, I may just be walking around at our favourite joint really since it is so last minute to book a cruise!

I am still struggling every morning to get Mikaail ready for school.  Also getting him a taxi has been quite a challenge too.  For some reasons, a couple of times, the taxi either didnt come to the right pick up point or they picked up the wrong passenger!  Then getting into the MRT with a zillion other passengers.  I feel so stressed up just thinking about this as it is long journey and I need a seat!  Now I have an umbrella and a fan in my backpack as sometimes I can hardly feel the ventilation in the MRT!

Day 57 on 2 Aug - Living Without My Darling Husband

Another frustrating morning!  Booked the taxi through the Comfort/CityCab apps and the same thing happened.  The driver picked up a wrong passenger!  How could the driver ever picked up the wrong passenger when the driver was not even here!  Anyway, I decided to call Transcab and managed to book another taxi.  This driver asked if we wanted a regular taxi and yes, we do.  So will start from 12 August as his taxi needs to go for repair next week.

Anyway today I went to see the lawyer, Mr Faizal, to get my Will done according to what I told you.  His father was my witness for the Will.  He's really a nice man and a pious one too.  He said some prayers into a bottle of water then gave it to me for both Mikaail and I.  He also said all that happened are fated.  Yah, I know it's fate but all too sudden so why God took him away!!  We didnt even say a proper goodbye!  We didnt even have our last kiss!  Even after his last breath I cant kiss him as the hospital cant remove the breathing tube!  

He told me to say prayers plus put this prayer water into an eye drop dispenser and put a couple of drops into his eyes.  Sometimes I feel that I must be the most unlucky person alive!  I've got a multiple handicapped son, wheelchair bound, blind and with cerebral palsy.  God gave me a son which I had wanted since I was in school but He took away bits of Mikaail!

Oh ya, Mr Faizal's father also told me that in his opinion perhaps Mikaail's name is too heavy for him.  I've heard of something like this before.  I'll see if I can get a nice sounding pet name.  I've transferred the small bottle of water into a 2 litre bottle of MRET water so can drink.  He did say to continually add water and not finish the water without topping up.

He also mentioned about bathing Mikaail so his bath water goes directly to the ground instead of through the bathroom pipes.  I guess this can happen only if I bathe him in the open perhaps at the beach.

Other than this, everything else remains as normal.  My other stress factor was the MRT la.  I was in the MRT from Raffles Place then to Marina Bay.  I got a seat but as the board showed Yishun, I got off to wait for the next train to Jurong East.  Afterwards the driver must have changed the route and showed Jurong East.  By then it was so packed already!  Wah damn annoyed with this MRT drivers!  Cant make up their minds!  Thought they would have some sort of time table?

Day 56 on 1 August - Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling - everything of yours in the house remain as they were.  For some stupid reason, I just cant bear to keep them away.  I dont know why but inside my heart I hope you will come back though I know you wont!

This morning I spoke with the lawyer and I'm going to meet him tomorrow to sort out my Will.  Also, will be collecting a temporary letter from the Subordinate Courts to allow me the authority to sell your car.  So far I have yet to contact LTA to find out how and what I should do to get the car transferred to a buyer.  There are still so much more to do without a Will!

Then this morning it rained rather heavily around 3 am and thank goodness, it drizzled when Mikaail was about ready to go to school.  Then we had the same problem like yesterday with the taxi.  Though we waited for the taxi, it didnt come!  So annoying and we had to book another.

Anyhow Comfort customer service personnel called me this morning and told me the disciplinary action taken against the taxi driver who supposedly picked a different passenger yesterday.  Unfortunately, he got a black mark in his record!  We ended up paying more for the ride yesterday due to heavy traffic as we only managed to get one after 7 am.  This delay also caused me to arrive later than my preferred time plus I had to pay the full MRT fare instead of the discounted fare or free MRT ride!  The Comfort customer service personnel said she was going to send me a $10 Comfort Voucher as a token for the inconvenience caused.

So tomorrow I wont be booking taxis via the Comfort/Citycab apps!  So unreliable - twice in a row!  I will be calling Transcab to book the taxi as there is an operator who picks up the call and I can cancel the booking if necessary.  Comfort/Citycab Apps do not allow cancellation once booked.

Then next week is a short working week due to the Hari Raya Puasa and National Day.  I've decided to hang out at one of the World's  Best Airports!