Days 54 & 55 on 30 & 31 July: Living Without My Darling Husband

Yesterday while bathing Mikaail he suddenly said "dada no more!"  This again, immediately brought tears to my eyes!  When I see couples holding hands walking together, I get this choking feeling in my throat!  Really depressing!!  I remember telling you that we must stay healthy so we can always be together in our later years!  I really can't understand what went wrong!  At the end of the day, it is always FATE!

There are others who are much older and even some older looking than you who went through this procedure without any problems!  So it's difficult for me to come to terms with not having you around for us!

Looking through my notes - it was 10 days ago that Mikaail mentioned "dada no more"  I don't know how to explain to him the meaning of death other than dada has gone to heaven and that dada is always in his heart.

After the past few weeks of booking taxis through Taxi Booking Apps, this morning was the first time that the taxi driver screwed up!  He picked up some other passenger instead while we waited at the loading/unloading bay for more than 15 minutes!  Of course I was super pissed off as I was not aware that he picked up some other passenger until I called the taxi company.  I told the taxi operator that if the driver had arrived at the pick up point as he was supposed to then he would not have picked up the wrong passenger!  We were already at the pick up point when we received the automated call!

The taxi operator was quite nice although I shouted at her!  I did apologise to her and explain that I was very angry at the taxi driver for not coming to the pick up point as agreed.  She told me that she was going to investigate and will call to update me.  While I was walking to the MRT station, she called and told me the taxi driver apologised.  I told her unfortunately, I don't care about the apology as he had already screwed up our timing!  Do you remember the course taxi drivers are supposed to have undertaken?  What about the code of conduct? Does it really matter to them?  Really seems that this driver didn't give a hoot!

Anyway,  I booked another taxi and this other taxi was also late.  He was near Si Ling Primary School but after 5 minutes he still did not arrive so I had to call the taxi company again.  He said he was at another loading/unloading bay!  After putting Mikaail into the taxi, they all left and I also left for work.

Obviously it was not a pleasant start to the morning!  When I got to the MRT, the MRT was also packed and I had to stand until Novena before I got a seat.  All because of the taxi driver, they arrived school late, ended paying $32.90 instead of the average $24!  I also had to pay for the ride instead of the almost regularly free ride!

Then when I got to work, I told one of my colleagues about my frustration with the MRT and the taxi, then another colleague was quite rude - she butt in and said rather unkind words like - I need to get use to it or I will frustrate myself, other people also had to stand in the MRT, even people who travelled as far as Jurong and Choa Chu Kang and goes on and on.  While to some extent, I do agree with her, it's her tone that really pissed me!  I literally told her to STOP, STOP, STOP!  I was already frustrated and added with her uncalled for comments, really annoy me further!  I always believe that if you have nothing good to say to others don't say it.

The rest of the day was pretty much normal - no further excitement not annoyance!

Oh ya, your colleague sms me today to say that they are still unable to locate your camera!  I intended to go with her to your ex-training store to collect the camera otherwise will be another month or so before I could get the camera back  I know this colleague of yours is really helpful but she is also so busy!

Day 53 on 29 July - Living without My Darling Husband

Bought flowers last evening from Cold Storage to put on your plot.  Surprisingly it was rather easy to get to the Muslim Cemetery via MRT & Bus.  I'm glad that it is pretty easy to walk to your new plot.

I took leave today as I also wanted to get to know how to go to your plot.  You are usually the one to drive us to these places. Anyway together with Jaye, we met with the contractor and selected the tiles for the tombstone.   This is the current status of your plot.

You know this morning Mikaail wished me happy birthday then he also told his teacher, Noreda, that it's my birthday.  When she asked him if he wanted to do a card for me, he said yes.  Afterwards, he thanked her for the card.  Such a darling, isnt he?  

Then later in the evening I brought him to Swensen's at Causeway Point for some ice cream.

Day 52 on 28 July - Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling, No matter how many days have passed by, I am still missing you very much!  It is a stupid thought that I have in my mind - maybe this is all a dream!  I am still hoping that it is.  I am waiting for a day that I will dream of you.  I tell myself that I must continue to focus on meeting you in my dreams and perhaps the Universe will be kind enough to grant me this wish.  I am really heart broken - you just don't know how much I miss you.  Miss all the wonderful times we have spent together.  20 years of married life and another 2 years of courtship is not a short time!  I guess you never know how much you miss a loved one until you no longer have the love!

Looking at our desk calendar, do you remember the days that I had blocked out for us to apply our annual leave?   Now that you are gone, I really have no need for any further celebration!   Anyhow, tomorrow I've taken leave to visit your "marker" and tidy it a bit.  I also intend to proceed with getting the tombstone done up.

And what should I do with these:

Do come back OK.  I miss you much!!

Day 50 & 51 - Life without My Darling

Gosh!  So fast you've been gone for 51 days and I am still struggling to come to terms with your departure!  Worst days now are the weekends as there are just us!  The emptiness is sometimes driving me nuts!  I used to love weekends most but now I dont look forward to them anymore.  I dont even do my grocery shopping as well.  I keep to once a day on a weekday evening after I am back from work.

I went to meet with the counsellor yesterday on the 50th day of your demise.  I wanted to know what he could advise me on handling the lonely weekends but nothing!

Did you know that although I was keeping track of the days, I didnt realise that yesterday was my pay day!  Is it good or bad?  It's bad because usually I would have prepared the bill summary in advance.  This morning I had to rush to do list the bills.  Then after lunch, I brought Mikaail and Marie to Woodlands Civic Centre to pay the bills at the AXS machine.

I'll be going over to your new home next Monday.  It was supposed to be our leave day for celebration but I guess it was never meant to be.  I'm sad and I cant understand why God took you away from me so soon and without warning!

Since you've been gone, I've not done any updates on my websites as I just cant focus!  I know you wouldnt want me to wallow in my sadness but without my pillar how do I move on?

Day 49 - Living without my Darling Husband

Eh, darling, today I took half a day leave and went to the Jurong Police Divisional HQ to file statements relating to your sudden death.  Since Jaye and Simon were the ones with me most of the time when the doctors were around, best for them to also provide their statements to the IO.

Jaye told me that her friend's father passed on after a stent though not due to the stenting.  Apparently there was a blood clot in the leg after the stenting which led to his death.  Strange it would seem that the blood clot appeared in the leg after the stenting procedure.

I found the following article when I searched for blood clot and stenting:
Stents coated with medicine may raise your risk of dangerous blood clots. (These stents often are used to keep clogged heart arteries open.) However, research hasn't proven that these stents increase the chances of having a heart attack or dying, if used as recommended.

I believe now that this procedure must have been screwed up altogether! Why was a medicate stent used instead of the normal one when the risks of clotting are higher?

Anyway, another doctor, Dr Wong, said that he is unsure if the dissected valve is present before or after the procedure, I find it rather unbelievable.  How could there ever be a dissected valve before the procedure?

I'm really sorry dear that I let the autopsy proceed after you had passed on.  I wanted to know what was it that the doctors had done to have caused you to depart this world so suddenly!  I didnt want to regret later like in Mikaail's case.  The surgeon then said, "... the nerves were miles away ..."  Now that Mikaail lost his vision, what did they do?  Nothing!  Yes, doctors save patients life but they didnt give a hoot about quality!

Day 48 - Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling, you know if you were to return home, you can see that your shaver, toothbrush, etc are still in tact.  I know it's not that you will ever be back but I just cant bring myself to discard or re-arrange any of your stuff yet and I just feel sad and will cry.

A lot of people tell me that only time will heal and yes, I agree and its only 48 days!

I still see your face in my mind and I really miss you very much!  Remember to come to my dreams - I'll be waiting for you.

Day 47 on 23 July - Life Without My Darling Husband

Mikaail vomited this morning just as I was about to call a taxi for him.  Don't know what happened but after his breakfast, he suddenly vomited.  Then during the course of the day he had a total of 6 fits!

I decided to just wear sandals to office since I got to take the MRT!  So far I am have been so lucky as I have managed to get a seat.  The only one time where I managed to get a seat was at Ang Mo Kio Station!  Almost gave up hope that day!

Today I met up with the counsellor.  The first time I have ever been to one!  I have never needed counsellors before as you were always here for me!  Spent about an hour with this guy.  Last Friday I did attend but the lady that I met was like a teenager so I just couldnt speak with her and I guess her approach was also very different - too mechanical.

I went through the sequence of the whole event and midway I was asking myself so what can you guys do about this?  I want to know how and where do I move on from here?  I miss you very much

On the home front today, don't know what happened the power tripped and the circuit breaker in the house also did not power up the electricity.  Then Mariah didnt know where to check from the Main Electrical Box. Andy came over to check and switched it back on.  Had asked her to call Rose to see if Ain can help.

Oh ya, just received the NTUC Income letter advising me that they will probably take another 10 weeks to settle the claim as they had just wrote to NHC to request for the medical report.  They said from their experience medical reports usually reach them about 10 weeks from date of request.  They wil review the claim once they receive the medical report.

Tomorrow I am going to the lawyer to sign the affidavit for me to get hold of the letter to grant me the rights to sell your car!  I already renewed the season parking for another month so I do want to sell the car as quickly as possible.  I also intend to get my Will sorted out so as to minimise the hassle of getting around the process of getting an administrator to manage my Estate!  Sounds like big deal!

Day 46 on 22 July - Life without my Husband

Living my life without my husband is really becoming more and more stressful!  His moustache is starting to grow so yesterday I shaved him.  I was worried that I might cut him though.  Anyhow I managed to shave him without cutting him.  I started shaving him using the normal shaver after applying the shaving gel but I realised it was quite difficult to to shave him this way as I am too cautious!  I decided to use the electronic shaver instead.

Despite you leaving me for the past 46 days, I still miss you very much.  I know you will never come back but I'm struggling to come to terms with your departure.

Day 45 of Alex Demise on 21 July

Strangely last night seems like I dreamed of you!  In my dreams I saw just the back of someone presumably was you in the white and black stripe t-shirt.  I immediately got up and then couldn't focus on the dream again!

I missed you so much and last night before I slept I was reading a couple of articles on talking with the dearly departed souls!  Then when I looked at this site, I thought it was interesting but I am not sure how feasible this is.

I'm thinking if I could apply the Law Of Attraction so I can see you in my dreams!

Day 43 & Day 44 - 19 & 20 July

Yesterday there was a light drizzle when we left home for school and work.  Everything changed for us.  Every morning I need to book a taxi for Mikaail to go to school then after I've settled him into the taxi, I walked to the MRT.  Though there is a queue to get into the MRT, the queue suddenly disperse when the MRT opens its doors!  So I would need to rush with other passengers for a seat.  It's the fastest passenger wins!  So stressful.  It's at least a 45 minute ride to work so I'll be cranky otherwise!

It's now 43 days and I still cant talk about you or I will cry.  There's a huge emptiness in my heart.  One of my colleagues told me that I should move on and not keep thinking about the happy times.  Yesterday I went lunch with another colleague and when we talked about you, my tears just flow.  She said it was ok to let the tears flow and not to hold back.  Usually I will try to hold back my tears when I talk about you.  I'm not sure how I can ever move on!

Also, I went for counselling yesterday afternoon.  I dont know what to expect from the counselling but as professionals in this field, I would have thought they would be able to help me cope with losing you.  The counsellor who was assigned to me looked so young and inexperienced, one who probably would not have gone through life, much!  It's rather disappointing as I felt so uncomfortable with the counsellor.  I decided that I didnt want to be counselled by her and opted for another counsellor.

This morning when Mikaail woke up, the first thing he said to me was "dada no more".  I felt very sad especially when this reminder comes from him.  I'm not sure how much he understands about death but one thing I know is he knows you are gone forever and never coming back!  I reminded him that no matter what, you are always in our hearts and we are always in yours!

I'm finding it really tough especially on weekends as there's just the 2 of us!  I always ask myself "WHY?"  Why did God take you away?  On one hand, I think you didnt have to suffer before you were taken away which is good for you.  I also want to believe you are in a much better place now then here.  On the other hand, I've now go to do everything that we used to do together on my own!

Day 41 & Day 42 on 17 & 18 July

I was at work when suddenly I felt sad and started to cry!  I have no one that I could share my inner thoughts with!  It's like in previous times I could just sms or call you to tell you but now, I just have to keep it to myself.

Oh btw after I sprayed the mailbox with the WD-40, it was much easier for me to lock the mailbox and you've been locking the mailbox all these years without much of a hassle!  Your patience is remarkable!

You wouldnt believe how much I'm missing you now!  Absence really makes the heart grow fonder especially when you are loved!  A colleague of mine told me to imagine that you are on a long business trip/  Ya when you are on business trips, you do come home!  How can it ever be associated with a business travel!  

Today is day 42.  Another day gone without you!  I've yet to really get used to not having you to hug and love me.  It rained this morning.  How are you there?  I hope you are managing well.  I'm looking forward to the day that I am with you again!  I hope you will remember me then.

I dont understand myself!  On my way home today, while crossing the road, tears just started welling in my eyes!  I really felt so abandoned and unloved by you.  I asked God, why?  Why take you away from me!

Every morning I rushed to work with a zillion other passengers in the packed MRT!  I also remember the theory of LOA and have to focus on it every day!  So far it has been very useful!

Day 39 & 40 on 15 & 16 July 2013

Just heard from Jaye that someone they know just went for this stent procedure but after the angiogram procedure the doctor decided that a bypass would be better as the blockage was like 90%!  Same hospital but not sure which doctor!  So was the doctor who attended to you being complacent?

The pathologist did say the artery was 90% blocked according to the notes recorded by the attending doctor.  He also said that what he is seeing is the after the work is done rather than before.

Today is the 40th day.  It's just a coincidence that I'll be finding out more about the counselling service which my office had arranged for me.   I needed to know how they can help before deciding.  In office, I am wary of talking to others as I will just cry if any of my colleagues ask me about how I am coping.

Darling, there are so much more in my heart that I want to tell you but I just don't know how to say it out.  I missed the little chats we have over dinner, in the car, the sms and much more!  How can this be happening?  I just wished you will come back at least in my dreams.  Let me know how you are!  I love you so much and with you gone, did you know that my heart is shattered???

The other day there was this lady who planned to kill her husband for the insurance money but she got the wrong hitman!  She engaged an undercover detective!  How stupid can some people be!  Oh of course it is not in Singapore!!  I supposed in her case she was having issues in her marriage.  As if she's never heard of divorce!

Day 38 on 14 July

Weekends are now my lonely days and I dont look forward to any of them anymore!  It's day 38 today and there's just me, Mikaail and my helper.  Thought I cry lesser now, I still cry for you and I miss you very much!  I will cry over the slightest happy thoughts I have of you and I still can’t accept that you left me so suddenly.

I've decided to find out more about the counselling that my boss, Jordi, had spoken to my office HR director about.  I dont know what they can do.  I'm having trouble adjusting to all the everyday stresses in life with you no longer around to support me.

When I talked about closure it was more about not knowing what is happening to you in the other world!  I am hoping that I dream of you and for you to tell me that you are ok there and that you still loved us.  I'm not sure if there will ever be a closure as I dont want to forget you at all.  I still have vision of you in my mind and that's why I always cry when I think of these memorable times!

Day 36 & Day 37 on 12 & 13 July 13

Gosh how time flies and it's now Day 37!  I'm still missing you terribly!  I'm yearning for your touch, your kiss and you!  Do you know that I am really very sad that you are never coming back?  I always ask myself, "How can this be?"  You are a nice person - no airs, down-to-earth person, honest, helpful in short - my guardian angel!

There are many instances when I suddenly wanted to send you an sms to chat with you not realising that you are no longer around!  When I realised it, I started to cry again!  I dont know how long I can really tolerate this.  Sometimes I feel this is really driving me nuts!

I don't look forward to weekends anymore.  It's super depressing as there's only Mikaail, Marie & I.  Where and what do we do?  A big part of my life is gone with you!  I've got no one to really share my daily ups and downs!  So now I sometimes tell Mikaail how my day had been but what can he tell me?

You know, the articles I've been reading about Life After Death?  I find it more depressing as I am concerned about how you are getting on there.  I do hope that you are well and I really want to have the privilege to meet you again soon!   I wanted you to tell me how you've been and what do I do now!

I read an article on the angioplasty and death resulting from this procedure is only 1 out of 500!  So who screwed this up??  Yes, the doctor said 1% risk is still a risk!  The pathologist didnt find any malpractice but he also said that what he saw was the after rather than before!  Do you think I should get to the bottom of this whole procedure ie whether there was some form of screw up?  I dont know what to do with this.  I dont want to regret later on and I dont want to think that I was not being fair to you.

Like in Mikaail's case, yes, I did regret not following through with the hospital as I believe somehow some medical professionals there didnt do a proper follow up.  The surgeon said the nerves for the eyes are miles away from where he was going to operate and then when Mikaail lost his vision, what they all did?  Nothing!

I also told you before we should all go together.  How can I continue life be like this?  Almost every night I will cry myself to sleep.  I'm heart broken.

Day 35 on 11 July 2013

I feel like you are home you know!  In the shower I see all your things, your shaving foam, shaver and I just wish you are still here with me.

About 2 days ago I sprayed the WD40 into the letterbox keyhole and seems like it is easier to lock the letterbox after I've collected the mails.  It's been so frustrating each time I opened the mailbox.  Dont know how you did it all these years!  Some kind of tactic to locking it back!

Mikaail seems much better today.  I think I shouldnt remind him that you're never coming back!  Usually when I write to you, he will ask me what am I doing.  I tell him that I am writing a letter to you and if he has any message for you.  He dont know how to tell me that he misses you.

Now I'll just remind him to pray for you each time he misses you or when he thinks of you.  I also tell him that he must remember you are in his heart always and that you always have us in your heart too!

Booked taxi again this morning.  So far not been able to get a permanent driver yet.  So got to book the taxi every morning.  So far, the weather has been good so no real issue with getting a taxi.

MRT is always so packed every morning and so far I have been pretty lucky to get a seat to work.  Sometimes midway, some days at the start of my trip.  I need to focus on getting a seat in my mind - LOA!  I've decided that I should get them into the taxi first before I head off to work.  Gosh!  So much that I've taken for granted!!

Luv us always, ok!

Day 34 on 10 July 2013

Time flies and its 34 days since you've been gone.  Strangely this morning, Mikaail, wasnt his usual bubbly self.  He was like in a daze!  Then suddenly he asked me where are you.  My tears just well up in my eyes and started to roll down my cheeks.  I gave him a hug and told him that mama loves him and that you are in Heaven with nenek.  He was also unusually quiet in school today too.  Not too sure what happened to him.

He may now be feeling the stress!  Also maybe last night he asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was going to write to you.  No sure if this also triggered the stress for him.

There are lots of changes and we now book taxi in the morning to take him to school.  Also, told him that he should finish his milk at home and can no longer drink his milk in the taxi.  Will see how he is tomorrow.

When I got home this evening he was sleeping on his chair.  You know how he loves to do the peek-a-boo right?  He is not his usual self again!  A bit concern with his behaviour.  He hardly finish his bowl of tofu for lunch and didnt even finish the balance at dinner time.  And he said he's tired and want to sleep.

Day 33 on 9 July 2013

Took leave today as Mariah has a medical appointment.  Also, the lawyer office called yesterday to ask me and Jaye to go to their office to sign some papers in relation to the Inheritance Certificate.  They will submit this Inheritance Certificate and my declaration that I will be the administrator of your Estate to the Subordinate Courts.  About 2 weeks later, the lawyer can expect to receive the Grant Letters of Administration from the Subordinate Court and this will then allow me to start the process of selling the car!  Remember I told you that I was going to sell off your car if you kick the bucket before me to minimise the liability?  It's not so easy you know as we didnt get around with getting a Will!!  Hopefully  I can sell it by this month so I dont have to renew the season parking and pay the monthly instalment to the bank.

Mikaail said he missed you and pray for you.  He is such an angel!  It's Day 33 and I still see images of you from the time especially from the time I took a picture of you after you came back to the ward right up to the time you were buried!

I have yet to decide which design to select for your gravestone.  There are many things we do together  and now with you no longer around, I am falling apart too!  You've been so much a part of me that it's very tough to go on like this.  My heart is broken though I may appear strong.  Lots of people tell me that I must be strong.  Sure but it's not easy ie easier said than done!

Day 32 on 8 July 2013

Another hot day!  How about you there?  I'm missing you terribly!  I miss all the chats we used to have.  Now I absolutely have no one to talk to the way that we usually chat about our day.  Why is life so cruel?  Please tell me what I should do.  I feel really sad whenever I think of all the good times we had.

Went to lunch with one of my colleagues from IT today.  Couldnt decide where to go so I ended eating waffle with peanut butter instead.  Then at 3 pm, I made a cup of milo, horlicks & cereal drink cos I was so hungry!  BTW, fasting month starts this Wednesday.  How time flies!  You're gone for more than a month today!

Oh, Sam Ong and Jean Lee called on your mobile but I couldnt speak with them so I sms them instead.  They were shocked to hear about your demise.   Sure, everyone that know you were shocked too!  I am still trying to come to terms with all this.

Also, the lawyer called to say that both Jaye and I need to go to his office tomorrow to sign the declaration letter for them to submit these papers plus the inheritance certificate to the Subordinate Court to prepare for the Grant Letters of Administration.  Jaye would need to be the administrator on behalf of Mikaail as he is under 21 years old.

Letter to Heaven - Day 31 on 7 July 2013

Today is Day 31 since you left me.  I am really devastated that after 20 years together, you left me in a blink of an eye and it's all because of an angiogram procedure gone terribly wrong!  I realised that I cry lesser now though there are days when I cry each time I talk about you.  I know that you will remain in my heart and memory forever.  I still miss you though.  I am craving for your touch, darling and I needed to know that you are fine and happy and you still love us.

With you no longer around, weekends are no longer what they used to be.  There is this emptiness in our hearts and the home is also unusually quiet!  Nothing for us to look forward to on weekends.  Previously I can plan stuff to do, places to eat or go on weekends, but now there really is none.

There are just so many things to get used to and it is very difficult for me to pick up the pieces.  I always ask myself why must you go so soon?  I am not sure if I want to even clear out your stuff yet though I had to clear the stuff from your car.  I need to sell the car as soon as I get the Grant Letters of Administration.  I've already paid for the road tax and car insurance last Wednesday and hopefully can get the car sold off by this month as I only paid the carpark for this month only.

Today Andy drove us to Toa Payoh in your car around lunch and we were there practically for the whole day.  We got home around 8 pm.  Initially I had half a mind about not going but then I thought it is good to bring Mikaail out otherwise we'll just stay home again.  You know how difficult it is to move around in the shopping malls on a weekend!

Andy cooked steak for lunch but as meat is no longer something that I eat, I just have the broccoli, cauliflower, mashed potato and appam!  Mariah managed to buy the Indian pancake, appam but was not as nice by the time I ate them as it was cold.  Mikaail didnt enjoy the steak too but loved the mashed potatoes.

Day 30 ie 1 Month on 6 July 2013

Today is exactly one month since you left us on Friday, 7 June.  Time really flies!  Everything happened so quickly and suddenly.  We never had a chance to say goodbye nor was there a goodbye kiss!  There's no one to hug and comfort me anymore!

Weekends now are exceptionally quiet and meaningless.  We didnt do much productivity stuff today!  I went through some of your stuff to search for your office keys so Mandy can help to retrieve your Nikon camera from the training store.  I assumed that the camera ought to be in the store!

I shaved Mikaail again today and this time I used the electric shaver instead.  I wasnt sure of the best method but I did check with Hashim and he said electric shaver wont cut him!  There are now more roles for me to take over!

Day 29 - 5 July 2013

Darling

I desperately need to dream of you!  It's like I never meant anything to you anymore.  I also needed to know how you are getting on there.  I've been reading articles on Google about life after death and I'm trying to understand what is happening in your world.

Today Mikaail said he just said prayers for you.  He is such an angel and we are very lucky to have him as our son.  You know the kind of smile he showed when I told him so!

I'm still struggling with living without you.  I dont know how long it will take before I can really move on with my own life and Mikaail.  Everyone around us have been very helpful and accommodating but it is tougher now for me than before.  I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders!  Who do I share my thoughts with?  All plans that we've made for our 20th wedding anniversary are now just plans!

Oh btw I am still not able to sell our car yet as there was no Will and the lawyer is working on getting the Inheritance Certificate before he can proceed to obtain the Grant Letters of Administration.  This  process will take a couple of months!  So much hassle!  I will have to get a Will sorted out once this Grant Letters of Administration is sorted out.

Also, I went to NTUC Income yesterday and made payment of the road tax and car insurance.  The counter staff queried about you as Income did update their record that you had passed on.  She told me that she was in the same situation as me 13 years ago and she had two young children to fend for!  I cant talk about you and I started crying which made her feel sorry for me.

You will always be in my heart and in my mind and I am hoping I will somehow dream of you just so I can touch you again.  I really miss you very much.

.  

Day 27 & Day 28 (3 & 4 July)

How time flies!  Today is Day 28!  Much as I know you are never coming back, I am still hoping that I could dream of you.  I miss you and I will admire the photo of you which I took after the procedure.  When I looked at the photos I took after the 2nd procedure, your condition was literally going downhill!

Mikaail had his medical appointment with Dr Ong yesterday and I was surprised that he told Dr Ong that "dada no more, Dada go Heaven see nenek!"  That's what I told him when you left us.  Usually after his medical appointment, I bring him to one of the shopping malls and yesterday, I brought him to the new mall at Jurong East - JEM.  Very spacious and even the wheelchair toilet is spacious!  Almost similar shops but food court lack variety!  There are only 2 Muslim food, one is the Indonesian grilled stuff and the other is the Indian food.  Everything else is Chinese food from popular stalls located in various locations.

Yesterday your colleague, Choy Yin, from your HR department met up at the Coffee Bean outlet downstairs my office to pass me your prorated transport claim cheque and payslip.  Your final salary was credited earlier into our joint account which is now closed.  Oh by the way, I sms Mandy to ask her if she had managed to retrieve your latest Nikon camera but so far not yet.  Maybe you can let me know where it is?  I mean through my dreams, OK!

Today, Mikaail's teacher and the school social worker stopped by to see how we are managing and if we require assistance.  I told them that right now my immediate concern, like what I told the MP, Mr Ong, is the transportation to ferry him to school.  I've got a Transcab driver to pick them up from home to school.  So far he's picked them up twice.

Somehow I cant really talk about you as my tears will just fall!  Darling, I really need to hear from you that you are doing fine. Also, I cant bear to go through your stuff yet!  So if you could let me know what is your preference then I will do my best.

Luv ya always!!

Darling on Day 26 - 2 July 2013

Why did you have to go so soon?  I miss you so much.  Everywhere I go, you are always in my mind!  I remember the things we do together.  During lunch today when I wanted to buy some fruits, I remember buying grapes for you then I started tearing.  There is just so much that we do together which makes it rather difficult for me to move on without you!

Nowadays on weekdays, I shower Mikaail and Mariah brushes his teeth and Marie feeds him his breakfast. The usual morning chaos still exists!!

I've also managed to get a regular taxi driver, Alvin from Transcab through cabby.sg to drive them to school.  Taxi fare range from $22 - $30 depending on the traffic condition.  On their return trip, they board the Bus and MRT.  We will send Mikaail to school on Monday, Tuesday and Friday then alternate his Wednesday and Thursday session as these are more for interaction with his classmates.  I wasnt planning to cut off his school activities though.  

Though I know you are never coming back I still miss you very much.  It's so heartbreaking for me whenever I think of you, of the good times we had.  I cant hold back my tears!

On top of this, I must be strong!  How???  I have to continually keep my emotion under controlled!

Letter to Heaven - Day 25

Though I know you are never coming back, I am terribly missing you.  Today is the 25th day since you've been gone.  I am yearning for you and my tears will just roll down my cheeks by just thinking of you!    Don't you miss me at all, dear?

I've been searching and reading articles on Life After Death.  Some feel that all “good people” go to heaven or some form of paradise once they die, and that all “bad people” go to hell.  Some believe that only the good dies young and that the body dies, while the soul moves on to a “different plane of existence.”  You are definitely a good person but leaving us all so soon is heart breaking for me!  How do I mend my broken heart?

Right now I am still finding it rather difficult to overcome my sadness.  You've been a part of me for the past 20 years and we practically spend all of our time together other than at work.  So now that you are no longer here, the emptiness is overwhelming!

I guess I needed to see you in my dreams and at the same time I am no sure if I am really ready to see your your reaction!  Based on the forums I've read, most do not look for their wives!!

I know time will heal all broken hearts and right now it really is unbearable! Yes, I believe you would be disappointed if I dont stay strong for Mikaail.  I have to.  I've promised you that I will stay strong when I told you to let go.  It is all to sudden and I had no choice to ask you to let go.  The doctors said the vital organs are failing and they may have to amputate the arms once gangrene sets in.