Day 222 on 15 January 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Attended the coronary inquiry today on the cause of your death.  I must say that I am really disappointed with the outcome though I was told to be prepared for it.  Your death was eventually recorded as death due to known complications arising out of the angioplasty!

Complication is a very general word to term anything else that cannot be properly explained!

I asked Dr Chin about the medicated stents and why these were chosen over the normal stents.  Dr Chin's response was that medicated stents have less than 5% chance of re-narrowing while the normal stents have an approximately 20% chance of renarrowing over a 6-month period.  Articles on Google relating to the medicated stents showed:

Dissected valve:  Strangely when Dr Aaron Wong asked me if I know that you had dissected valve.  Was this due to someone carelessness?  The dissected valve didnt show up in the pathologist, Dr George Paul's report.  His report indicated that the valves were "grossly normal"!

Why was bypass not carried out when the first procedure resulted in the chest pains?  Did the cardiac surgeons made the wrong diagnosis by getting the doctors to stabilise heart?  If the cardiac surgeons had proceeded with the bypass/open heart surgery, perhaps you might have a chance!

Looking back Mikaail lost his vision through some screw up process by the medical professionals too!  You lost your life while seeking treatment to prolong your life!  Was there ever any mention of oral medication in the first place?  I don't recall this part - did you?

Day 43 & Day 44 - 19 & 20 July

Yesterday there was a light drizzle when we left home for school and work.  Everything changed for us.  Every morning I need to book a taxi for Mikaail to go to school then after I've settled him into the taxi, I walked to the MRT.  Though there is a queue to get into the MRT, the queue suddenly disperse when the MRT opens its doors!  So I would need to rush with other passengers for a seat.  It's the fastest passenger wins!  So stressful.  It's at least a 45 minute ride to work so I'll be cranky otherwise!

It's now 43 days and I still cant talk about you or I will cry.  There's a huge emptiness in my heart.  One of my colleagues told me that I should move on and not keep thinking about the happy times.  Yesterday I went lunch with another colleague and when we talked about you, my tears just flow.  She said it was ok to let the tears flow and not to hold back.  Usually I will try to hold back my tears when I talk about you.  I'm not sure how I can ever move on!

Also, I went for counselling yesterday afternoon.  I dont know what to expect from the counselling but as professionals in this field, I would have thought they would be able to help me cope with losing you.  The counsellor who was assigned to me looked so young and inexperienced, one who probably would not have gone through life, much!  It's rather disappointing as I felt so uncomfortable with the counsellor.  I decided that I didnt want to be counselled by her and opted for another counsellor.

This morning when Mikaail woke up, the first thing he said to me was "dada no more".  I felt very sad especially when this reminder comes from him.  I'm not sure how much he understands about death but one thing I know is he knows you are gone forever and never coming back!  I reminded him that no matter what, you are always in our hearts and we are always in yours!

I'm finding it really tough especially on weekends as there's just the 2 of us!  I always ask myself "WHY?"  Why did God take you away?  On one hand, I think you didnt have to suffer before you were taken away which is good for you.  I also want to believe you are in a much better place now then here.  On the other hand, I've now go to do everything that we used to do together on my own!

Today is Day 21

It's really tough getting into the routine you know!  This morning I was out of the house at 6:35 am and I ended up having to stand all the way until Bishan!  Darling you were always here for me for the past 20 years and with you gone so quickly I really feel so abandoned.  Did you know I contacted you earlier today to ask whether you were going to pick me?  I think I'm going nuts!!  I'm practically all by myself now though I do have family and friends support but nothing like when you are with me.  Everything else falls on my shoulder too!

Everything happened so suddenly and quickly too!  I read some articles from Google and death from angiogram/angioplasty is so low - 2 out of 500 patients and you had to be the one!  Gone are the comfort that I've taken so much for granted!   Never in my wildest dreams did I think you were going to leave me so soon!  I miss you very much!!  Will you come to me in my dreams?  I'm still hoping that somehow we will meet again.

I'm still very sad that you lost your life in this procedure!  We didn't give it much thought really and I guess we were so sure that nothing drastic could have happened to you!  When Dr Chin met me and the family in the patients' lounge on Wednesday evening, he told me that your heart function was at 35%!  I asked him if oral medication would have helped instead but Dr Chin said unlikely as oral medication would not have solved the clogged artery issue.  Also, if the clogged artery is left untreated you would suffer a heart attack!

I've bought some pretty flowers to put on your grave tomorrow.  Jay & Sin Ruey will take us there tomorrow morning too.