Day 43 & Day 44 - 19 & 20 July

Yesterday there was a light drizzle when we left home for school and work.  Everything changed for us.  Every morning I need to book a taxi for Mikaail to go to school then after I've settled him into the taxi, I walked to the MRT.  Though there is a queue to get into the MRT, the queue suddenly disperse when the MRT opens its doors!  So I would need to rush with other passengers for a seat.  It's the fastest passenger wins!  So stressful.  It's at least a 45 minute ride to work so I'll be cranky otherwise!

It's now 43 days and I still cant talk about you or I will cry.  There's a huge emptiness in my heart.  One of my colleagues told me that I should move on and not keep thinking about the happy times.  Yesterday I went lunch with another colleague and when we talked about you, my tears just flow.  She said it was ok to let the tears flow and not to hold back.  Usually I will try to hold back my tears when I talk about you.  I'm not sure how I can ever move on!

Also, I went for counselling yesterday afternoon.  I dont know what to expect from the counselling but as professionals in this field, I would have thought they would be able to help me cope with losing you.  The counsellor who was assigned to me looked so young and inexperienced, one who probably would not have gone through life, much!  It's rather disappointing as I felt so uncomfortable with the counsellor.  I decided that I didnt want to be counselled by her and opted for another counsellor.

This morning when Mikaail woke up, the first thing he said to me was "dada no more".  I felt very sad especially when this reminder comes from him.  I'm not sure how much he understands about death but one thing I know is he knows you are gone forever and never coming back!  I reminded him that no matter what, you are always in our hearts and we are always in yours!

I'm finding it really tough especially on weekends as there's just the 2 of us!  I always ask myself "WHY?"  Why did God take you away?  On one hand, I think you didnt have to suffer before you were taken away which is good for you.  I also want to believe you are in a much better place now then here.  On the other hand, I've now go to do everything that we used to do together on my own!