Because You Loved Me

It's because you've loved me very much that I'm having major difficulty trying to take over all of your responsibilities now that you are never coming back.  You were a wonderful husband who had given me all the support and love I could have asked and wanted.  I'm feeling very stressed and each time I think of all the good times with you, I will cry.  I feel very helpless though both of our families are willing to help but how and where do I start?

Celine Dion's song, Because You Loved Me, says what you mean to me.  I'm everything I am because of you!

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful baby
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand & I could touch the sky
I lost my faith you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you





You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith because you believed
I’m everything I am because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
The light in the dark shining your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you


You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith cos you believed
I’m everything I am because you loved me

Day 23 (29 June) & Day 24 (30 June)

We had prayers for you plus the dearly departed souls yesterday since the fasting month is just round the corner.  Again, Shahid was the leader for the prayers and he had been the one to lead the prayers for the past few sessions too.

We've shared so many things together and I really don't know if I can ever get my life up and running again.  I've started going back to work part time last week and had told my boss, Jordi, that I will be back at work full time from July.

This morning the MP for Sembawang, Mr Ong, and a couple of the volunteers stopped by to offer their assistance and my immediate concern is the transport problem for Mikaail to go to school.  I did contact the Handicapped Welfare Association for assistance but they had all their vehicles booked out.  Mr Ong said he will try to see if he can get the transportation help for me but won't be able to promise anything just yet.

Everything happened so suddenly!  I've now have to shoulder everything by myself - no one to really discuss things with, get 2nd opinion from!  Gosh, the list goes on!!

Final Resting Place @ Choa Chu Kang Muslim Cemetery

On one hand, I am glad Mikaail don't fully comprehend what has happened to you other that you are now in Heaven with my mum!  I am sure my mum will be surprised to see you too and you are now in good company.  I trust my mum would introduce you to the rest of my family & Irfan will see you too!

Love them all!!

 

I've been thinking about how we ended up the way we are now.  You mentioned about being tired and breathless from walking from the house to the car park and from your workstation to your HR department a couple of weeks prior to this fatal procedure.  I would never have imagined that in our wildest dream you would be gone so soon!  No one could anyway.

Day 22 - Visit to Your Site

Sin Ruey & Jaye brought us to your new resting site today.  Clear weather and not hot too and we went to the usual sites too, starting from Irfan, my dad & company, my mum, you and Kak Ani.

 

Remember the lady who did the tomb for my mum?  She was also surprised that you were gone!  Imagine every one else who knew you were shocked, more so for me!  I still cant believe you are never coming back!  Each time when I think of you, my tears just flow and sometimes I feel stupid but I cant help it.  You know you mean so much to me and its very difficult for me to move on as you have loved and was my pillar for at least 20 years!

I don't know how I'm now trying to pick up the pieces and if I can ever do that?  Did you miss us? I miss you very much!

Today I shaved Mikaail as his moustache is growing longer.  No idea how I should do it but I did it anyway.

Love you much!

Today is Day 21

It's really tough getting into the routine you know!  This morning I was out of the house at 6:35 am and I ended up having to stand all the way until Bishan!  Darling you were always here for me for the past 20 years and with you gone so quickly I really feel so abandoned.  Did you know I contacted you earlier today to ask whether you were going to pick me?  I think I'm going nuts!!  I'm practically all by myself now though I do have family and friends support but nothing like when you are with me.  Everything else falls on my shoulder too!

Everything happened so suddenly and quickly too!  I read some articles from Google and death from angiogram/angioplasty is so low - 2 out of 500 patients and you had to be the one!  Gone are the comfort that I've taken so much for granted!   Never in my wildest dreams did I think you were going to leave me so soon!  I miss you very much!!  Will you come to me in my dreams?  I'm still hoping that somehow we will meet again.

I'm still very sad that you lost your life in this procedure!  We didn't give it much thought really and I guess we were so sure that nothing drastic could have happened to you!  When Dr Chin met me and the family in the patients' lounge on Wednesday evening, he told me that your heart function was at 35%!  I asked him if oral medication would have helped instead but Dr Chin said unlikely as oral medication would not have solved the clogged artery issue.  Also, if the clogged artery is left untreated you would suffer a heart attack!

I've bought some pretty flowers to put on your grave tomorrow.  Jay & Sin Ruey will take us there tomorrow morning too.

Day 20

Mikaail complained of headache this evening so I gave him a dose of paracetemol.  It's like magic - before he even finished the dose, he said "headache no more!"  I am concerned about he missing you too.  He may not really understand it but I told him you've gone to Heaven to meet "nenek" and to wait for us there.  I hope you will wait for us, ok.

A lot of things have been going around my mind these days.  I really cant accept that you are never going to come back.  Why dont I dream of you??  I am also concerned that you may be upset or angry with me.  I cant get these out of my head! I have vision of you in my head and every time I think of the happy times we had, I get all emotional. I cant talk to anyone without shedding a tear!  

I am really curious as to what you are doing right now.  Friday morning I will be going to your new location and my heart feels really heavy just thinking of you down there!  I met Rose earlier and she mentioned about the 3 main things to do for a smooth transition for you.  One is to donate in your name, the next is for Mikaail to pray for you and the third - I cant recall!  I've asked Rose to look out for mosques who require funds to build or repair parts of the mosque then will make a small donation.  

The next thing I will be doing in your name is to do the holy sacrifice of a goat!  I was originally planning a cow but Rose said a goat first would be better.  So perhaps next year then I will arrange for a cow!

Oh by the way, I've slowly transitioned back to work since earlier this week.  I was working full day on Monday and half day for the rest of the week except Friday as I wont be coming to work at all.  I am very grateful to my boss, Jordi, for his never ending care and support!   

Well, dear, you know how I loved redeeming free stuff!  Over the last weekend, I've managed to redeem your reward points from Shell, Citibank, Diners, NTUC U-Plus and Safra.  Will likely get the balance in your cash card transferred to my bank account instead.  Initially I had some difficulty trying to check up on the balance in the cash cards but I think after figuring it out, I've managed to check the balance.  The next time would be to transfer the balance in the cash card to my atm card.  

Day 19 of Alex Demise

Hello Darling

I just called you on your phone and actually waited for you to answer your call while admiring your photo which pops up on your phone!  Gosh! Am I going nuts???

You know I walked almost 2 km from Jurong MRT Station to IMM today although the GPS calculated the distance as 1.5 km or a 15 minutes walk!  It seems forever and I had so many things I carried - umbrella, weighing scale and also a bag full of kitchen towel rolls for Mikaail's school project.  How easy it was when you were with me!  You were always around for me and Mikaail and drove us to wherever we wanted to go or needed to go.  I never had to walk so far from one point to another!!  Nowadays I have to bring my umbrella and a fan with me at all times!

Actually there was the shuttle bus service which leaves from J Cube to IMM!  Jaye didnt know that the shuttle bus service has changed its pickup/drop off location to J Cube.  We ended up walking away from J Cube and ended up at JEM - a new shopping mall at Jurong.

This morning in the MRT again I ended up crying - I feel so empty!  A lot of things were going around in my mind.  I was thinking perhaps you were angry with me for not removing the life support earlier and therefore making you suffer the pain.  The doctors told me that there was no pain at all since you were sedated and at times even paralyzed to prevent the pain!  I was also unsure if you were upset that I was not at your bedside when you left me.

My mind was going through the times we spent together, of our would be 20th wedding anniversary on the Royal Carribbean Cruise and how we should be celebrating this milestone!  All these are now dreams as I wont be going on our 20th Wedding Anniversary without you!

I was reading the following screenshots from Jaye about losing someone close  to our hearts and couldnt help asking why did you leave me so suddenly!  I feel so abandoned and unloved!

Hello Darling on 24 June 2013

Missing you much!!  Today is the 18th day since you've left and I'm really finding it tough.  I'm still having some difficulties managing without you.  I thought I was doing fine then while in the MRT this morning, something triggered my emotions and suddenly I started crying!  My tears just kept on flowing.  Yes, I get emotional just thinking of you and all the things we do together.  I feel that I've been abandoned!

Where are you love?  I'm not sure why I have yet to dream of you.  Don't you miss me too?  When my mum passed on, I dreamed of her soon after.

Are you upset with me?  I'm truly sorry if you are.  I know we did agree on not wanting the life support but I wanted to be fair to you in case you can make it as I cant believe you wont be able to pull through.  Also, I'm really sorry that I was not by your bedside when you took your last breath.  I'm truly sorry about this as I didnt expect you to go so quickly!

I'm not sure if I should be happy for you if you are happy over there.   I am hoping that I will meet you in my dreams so you can let me know how you are doing.  Please tell me what you would like me to do from here on.  I am totally lost and I seek refuge at work to distract myself!

Luv ya always!

Hello Darling - 23 June 2013

Just found out that today, 23 June, is International Widows’ Day!  Gosh – I now fall into this Widow category!!

I’ve got so much to do now darling!!  The first day that I opened the mailbox was earlier this week.  That’s almost 2 weeks after you left us.  You know how I’ve struggled to lock the mailbox previously.  Well, nothing has changed.  I’m still struggling to lock the mailbox!  I was so close to leaving the mailbox unlocked the other day as I had so much trouble just locking the mailbox!

You were always around for both Mikaail and I because you loved me and your leaving so suddenly is the hardest thing that has happened to us!

I now travel on the MRT to and from work with a zillion other passengers in the early hours of the morning.  Also, I wear minimum make up just in case the tears flow!  The tears just flow without anywhere!  Gone is the comfort of travelling in the car including to and from work and enjoying munchies in the car.  Now I made sure to eat a light breakfast before I leave home as I was so hungry in the MRT the other day!  Also, I travel on the MRT to everywhere else.  I feel that I need to continue to save in case Mikaail needs hospitalization.  I don’t feel right to splurge on taxi unless there really is no choice!

Right now our weekends are spent entirely at home.  I don’t even go marketing on weekends and will just buy whatever I need on my way home after work.  Jaye and Diana have offered to help with buying groceries for me but I declined as I prefer to do marketing on my own.  Supermarket shopping is my retail therapy as I also buy the “Wants” instead of just the “Needs”!

Family and friends have told me that I must be strong for Mikaail and it is ok.  I know they meant well but it is never going to be ok.  How can it be ok?  I guess I have no other choice other than to accept that you are never coming back!  I really miss you!  There has never been a day when I don’t cry for you darling.  I am still extremely sad and feel really lonely.  We do so many things together and now, it’s just me.  I no longer have anyone I can discuss things with, share my inner feelings with, share my opinion of clothes I intend to buy.  It’s just going to be me!  Our future plans have all gone down the drain!  I was totally unprepared and I guess you probably are too!

Love you always!

Hello Darling - 21 June 2013

We really miss you very much and Mikaail said he love “DaDa and DaDa is in his heart..  I’m feeling the emptiness in my heart and if Mikaail understands this, he probably would be too!  I’m still hoping that this is all a nightmare but I know it is real!  Oh God, why?  Why must it be him?  

Darling, don’t you miss us at all?  I’m hoping to meet you in my dreams!  

Today, I started clearing your Ferrari backpack and also some other stuff I brought back from the car.  Gosh!  So many things to clear and I’m just not ready to clear your things as I feel terribly sad.  My tears just kept flowing!

Love us always!

Letter to my darling - 20 June 2013

Hello darling

I left for my office at 6:35 am and got into the MRT around 6:45 am. Arrived at Raffles Place MRT almost an hour later.  My day went pretty well today except for the unexpected tears when I thought of you.  So now, I have to ensure I have tissue paper with me.  The other day when I was in the MRT to work, the tears just flow and I had to literally wipe my tears with my hands then onto my dress!  I've not gone back to work regularly yet but I do plan to come back to work next Monday.  

It's been more than 2 weeks now and I am still unable to come to terms with not having you in the house!    My tears just flow whenever I think of you, of the good times we've had.  I wished I know what you are doing right now!  I missed you so much and now I'm literally by myself!  Now, I have no one else who I can share my heart's content with, no one to discuss matters with and everything else falls on my shoulder too!  Whatever decision I make now will just be mine!

Remember the off-white flowing dress with big beautiful pastel flowers which I love very much?  Now you never had the chance to see me in it!  I know that I've promised you I will be strong to care for Mikaail.  It's just that I am finding it really tough to manage my own emotions.  I told Mikaail that you've gone to Heaven to meet my mum.

I met the pathologist who performed the autopsy yesterday and when I showed him your photo I took after your procedure, he said you were a good looking guy and so young too!  He said it is rare for death to occur for a relatively low risk procedure.  So what went wrong?  He said from the report, it doesnt seem like there is any negligence and the SGH doctors were upfront about the steps they took!

In the 3 days that you were admitted to the hospital, you were gone!  It's heartbreaking!

Letter to my Love - 18 June 2013

Darling

How have you been today?  I'm really missing you very much.  I'm hoping that you can see us here.  Last Saturday, Mikaail asked for you.  He said "dada busy?"  Then I asked him if he forgot that dada is now in heaven with nenek?  He said "ya, Mikaail old man!"  He had his "short circuit 4 times last Saturday and once on Sunday. Don't know what was he thinking that caused him to have his short circuits!

Oh ya!  Diana came today to pass me the pictures she took during the prayers.  For some reasons the photos she transferred the other day didnt get transmitted to my laptop!

Love you always!

Missing You Much!

Love

I almost melted under the hot sun today!  You've always ferried me to wherever I need to go and now I'm pretty much doing all these solo!  I now got to also check the mailbox and struggled to lock it back!  My fingers turned red just trying to lock the damn mailbox and I had half a mind to just leave it opened!  So frustrating.

So far Jaye have accompanied me to High Court, Subordinate Court and Legal Aid.  Andy met me at the Mortuary last week and then accompanied me to collect the Coroner's report from HSA main office last week.  I'm pleased with myself that I went to HSA on my own as I didnt want to trouble any of them.  Also, I need to be independent and travel by MRT as far as I possible.  You know how I hate taking a cab and waste $ right?  Anyway, so far it's been manageable.

MRT was really slow today.  We went from home to Kembangan and took us almost a good hour to get there!  The first lawyer we went to, told us that in order to get the Grant Letter of Administration for the car, unit trust and your bank account, the fees would be at least $6,000.  The fees could be higher depending on the assets!  Dont know why they all say a car is an asset!  How could a car be an asset when the value depreciates??

Then I called another lawyer, Faizal, who was referred by Sue, Yati's friend.  Remember Hashim's friend, Joe?  Sue is Joe's wife - friend of both Hashim and Yati.  Anyway, Yati asked Jaye how is the lawyer and she said good looking!  After his explanation on the process and his fees are lower by almost $1.5K, I decided to proceed with him.  Actually I wanted to ask him if I can pay his fees by credit card with interest free instalment but he said no need pay full yet, just a deposit of $1.5 first.

The other reason is he said he may be able to get the temporary letter for me to transfer the car to my name and then I can sell the car.  But it wont be until at least 6 - 8 weeks from today.  I had to take an oath as well in the lawyer's office today to confirm that I am your lawfully wedded wife and Mikaail is our son!  New style of oath taking.  The Commissioner of Oath just came to the lawyer's office, asked me if I have read the document and if everything indicated in the document correct.  If correct, sign the document then he signed it and stamp.  Cost me $20.

Oh ya, disbursement of court documents fees are excluded from the lawyers fees!

So you see, if only we did do the Will and yes, it was my procrastination that led to this!

Letter to My Darling

Hey Darling

Where have you been?  I’ve not sense your presence since the day you left us.  I hope you are in a much better place than here.

Did you know that I miss you very much?  Did you miss us too?  I’ve told Mikaail that you’ve gone to heaven and will meet my mum and that we will see you soon.  I told him that he must always remember that you are in his heart.  I think he also misses you as just last Saturday, he asked me if dada is busy!  He kinda of expecting you home!  He had his burst of “short circuits” over the past weekend.   Mariah was nice to stay behind but I told her to go home last Saturday and take a break!

I’m truly sorry that I was not with you when you took your last breath!  I truly am.  I didn’t expect you to leave so soon as the doctors were still hoping that there may be a glimmer of hope.  I did tell them your wish of not being on the life support machine and they told me they have to monitor first.  I had a quick breakfast at the cafeteria and when I got back into the ward at approximately 9 am, the doctor told me that you had just left.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep as I am still grappling with your demise.  It’s all too sudden!

Tomorrow I am going to meet the lawyers to sort out the Grant Letters of Administration since there’s no Will. Also, going to follow up with the Pathologist as I couldn’t make out what on earth caused this sudden death!  They should follow NTUC Income policies where these are now worded in layman terms !

Oh ya, Allan had been a great help!  So far, seems like he is the only insurance agent who actually met his client in the hospital plus help to complete the claims forms, go to the insurance company to submit the papers!  I was told that even Mazlan and Andy had to do the claims themselves!

Luv Ya Always

Day 2 of Leading to Alex’s Demise

More devastating news – vital organs have started to fail.  Very little urine signals kidney failure, skin turning yellow indicates liver issue, low blood pressure is another signal that shows very weak heart!  Then the doctors got another team of specialist to see if there is any chance they could help.  They told us that if we intend to try and keep him, we must be prepared that they would have to amputate his right arm as the arteries are also failing and gangrene will set in!

Gosh!  Even if it were me, I would rather just die!!  Anyway as we had both signed off our organs years ago – I thought I should honour what we agreed but it is not as simple.  It was easy to agree when we are both alive and well but when the other is fighting for life, it seems rather heartless!!  Initially I thought I should honour our agreement but this means I wouldn’t have given him any fighting chance at all!

At this point, I decided that I should bring my son, Mikaail, and another of my sisters who is my son’s main caregiver to visit him.  They have not seen him ever since we left for the hospital very early on Wednesday morning.  I didn’t want to bring my son as he has multiple disabilities, wheelchair bound, blind and has very low immune system.  I’m afraid that he may contract viruses in the hospital.  Anyhow, since my husband’s condition is really critical, I thought I’d take a chance.  When my son came, I let him hold my husband’s hand.  I doubt my husband could feel him as that’s the hand which is presumably “dead”.  There were many machines and with Mikaail on a wheelchair, it was tough to bring him round the other side of the room.

Together, the 2 of us sang “Special Angel by Bobby Helms” and “Hero by Mariah Carey”.  We used to sing these songs together as the lyrics are very meaningful.

The doctors told us that we should have a family discussion whether to let him go and not to make the sole decision.  After discussion with both sides of our families, we decided that since the major organs are failing, it is better to let him go.  I told the doctors that they must ensure that there is absolutely no pain at all for him.

I sat by his side and told him to let go.  I promised him I will take care of Mikaail.  He is my son and I will be with him.

Day 1 Leading to Alex’s Demise

It’s been more than a week and I’m still hoping that it’s just a nightmare!  No goodbye & no farewell kiss.  I can’t even kiss him as there was the breathing tube attached which can’t be removed even though he had left this world!  We usually give each other a kiss before we part for the day!

Alex had complained of intermittent chest pains for a couple of weeks prior to his demise on Friday, 7 June 2013.  So on Monday, 3 June, he went to Shenton Medical Centre at Arcade in Raffles Place.  The doctor, Dr Winston Ho, arranged for ECG and X-ray to be done in the clinic.  His ECG showed an abnormal heartbeat and Dr Ho arranged for further checks at National Heart Centre and an appointment was scheduled at 2:30 pm on Tuesday, 4 June.

When we were at National Heart Centre (NHC), we were attended by Dr Chin Chee Tang, a senior consultant.  Dr Chin told us that if we had gone to any hospital with the ECG printout and Alex explaining to the doctors of his condition, Alex would have been admitted immediately.  Dr Chin also went on to explain how a clogged artery looks like.  He said Alex is a good candidate for angiogram and if we don’t do this angiogram sooner, there is a high chance that Alex may have a heart attack.

We then decided to proceed with the angiogram the next day ie on Wednesday.  Dr Chin did mention that he has a business trip after the procedure.  As this procedure is relatively low risk, we felt it is ok to proceed.

There were a couple of blood tests done in NHC on Tuesday, 4 June.

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Alex got up at 3:30 am to have a light breakfast as the nurse at NHC had told us no food after 4 am and medication must be taken at 6 am.  We set out early as our appointment was at 7 am at Singapore General Hospital (SGH) and we arrived at 6:50 am.

When we arrived at SGH we went directly to Ward 44, not realizing that we should have gone to the Admissions for registration.  Anyhow the nurse in Ward 44, said it is ok and I can just go and sort out the admission matters later while Alex goes for his procedure.

After the nurse had taken his weight, height and blood test, he was wheeled into the lab on the 2nd floor.  I went with him to the lab and before we departed, I gave a quick kiss.  

This procedure lasted for about 45 minutes and he was apparently wheeled back into the ward at approximately 11 am.  I received a call from the hospital to say that he is back.  I rushed back from the food court to the ward.  Though I was seated at the waiting area, I didn’t see him wheeled into the ward.  After waiting for some endless wait, I approach the nurse then he told me that my husband was just back!  He was warded in the ICU as the High Dependency beds were not available.  It is routine for all patients who underwent this angiogram procedure to stay in the hospital for at least a night for observation.  Anyway, he said he was hungry so I informed the nurse and they got his lunch and we had our lunch together.

Approximately 2 hours after the lunch, he complained of severe chest pains.  I called for the nurse and she asked him the severity on a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being severe.  He rated the pain as 10.  The nurse called for the doctor and also asked me to leave the room.  I was told that he fainted whilst they conducted more tests on him in the room.  That’s about the last I saw him alive!

Dr Goh who was the ward doctor in charge at the time then contacted Dr Chin and was told to bring him back to the Lab immediately.  

No one in both our families knows about him going for this angiogram.  We didn’t think it was necessary to tell anyone as it was supposed to be a relatively low risk procedure.  I contacted my sister, Jaye and also Alex's brother, Simon, and our insurance agent, Allan to let them know that there are complications!

All of them came to the hospital to give me their support.  The 2nd procedure took a bit longer and when Dr Chin came out of the Lab, he told me that Alex had a 10% survival chance!  My head was spinning and I didn’t know what to make of this.  I asked him how did this happened?  What happened to this low risk procedure?  He reiterated that the 1% low risk doesn’t mean no risk and no one knows who falls into the risk group.



The doctor then asked me to be prepared for the worst!  Bloody hell – Alex was admitted to the hospital generally healthy except for the supposedly low risk procedure!  True, no one wanted this to happen. The doctor then got Alex connected to life support machines to help him with breathing and also for his heart to have a rest.  Looking at all the wires and tubes really tear my heart apart!  Looking back, I wished I didn’t agree to him having this angiogram!  We were so sure that nothing detrimental especially death, could have happened to him since he is generally healthy!  

We went ahead with this angiogram procedure as we were told that it is a low risk procedure (1% risk) and that based on the ECG report, breathlessness and tiredness that Alex had encountered, he will get admitted into any hospitals if he were to go any of the A&E.  He is at risk of getting a heart attack.  So rather than take a chance that he may get a heart attack, we thought it would be better for him to get this procedure done.  Also, he had a colleague who had this done and all went well.

By Wednesday evening, the Ward was swamped with family and friends!  I had support from both sides of our families.  I was glad that all of Alex's family managed to come to visit as I was worried that they may not be able to meet him for the very last time.  Being a Muslim, in the event that of death, burial is ideally within 24 hours.  Alex’s colleagues and 7-11 senior management were also at the hospital and some were at the mortuary and burial ground to pay their last respect.  


Despite my sadness at losing my soulmate, I am glad that Alex had touched many people in his life.  He was much loved by family, friends and colleagues!!

The Day My World Crumbled!

My world crumbled on Wednesday, 5 June 2013.  A relatively routine procedure (angiogram) turned fatal for my husband of almost 20 years!  My husband complained of chest pains possibly a couple of weeks prior to his demise on Friday, 7 June 2013.

I still can’t believe that a relatively routine procedure turned fatal.  Yes, the cardiologist did tell us that it is a low risk procedure with 1% risk.  1% risk means for every 100 patients, 99 of them will go through this procedure without any issues and 1 patient is expected to encounter some issues.  Why does it have to be him?  Why am I so unfortunate?  People tell me that it is fate.  Yes, everything can be considered fate.  Some say those whom God loves, die young!  Whichever way, I’ve lost my soul mate!  If only I can turn back clock!

I don’t think he has any idea that the lunch I had with him was the last lunch.  No one could!  If he knew, I doubt we would have gone ahead with the procedure at all as we were totally unprepared!  We had an early lunch possibly around 11:20 am thereabouts.  His last meal was the Indian Muslim food from the hospital!

About 2 hours after lunch, he complained of severe chest pains.  I called the nurse and then the nurse asked him to describe the level of pain on a scale of 1 – 10.  He said 10!  The nurse then asked me to leave the room and she got the doctors into the room.  That was about the last time I saw him alive!

In Loving Memory of the Love of My Life – Alex Tan

We’ve been happily married for almost two decades!  We’ve made plans for a cruise holiday to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary on board the Royal Caribbean Cruise ship on 11-12-13 – a date which happens only once in a lifetime.  The only reason for the delay in making this reservation is that we’ve not decided whether to book one or 2 rooms!

Yes, we do have our frustration with each other at times and we do have many happy moments together both as a couple and family.  We always remind each other we have to be healthy and strong for our son, Mikaail, who has multiple disabilities.  When the doctor told me that his liver, kidney and heart are failing, I told him to let go and promised him that I will take care of Mikaail.

For 20 years he had been the love of my life, my pillar of strength, support, confidante, shopping companion, fashion consultant, personal driver, doting father to Mikaail, and the list goes on!  In a sudden turn of events, I lost him!  How do I start to pick up the pieces?  Why am I so unfortunate?  I now have to do everything by myself!  Yes, I do have family support from both sides of the family plus great friends and colleagues including my boss but nothing like having him with me.

He spent a good part of his life working in a company he believes in and dedicated his life to - 7-11.  This obituary appeared in The Straits Times on Wednesday, 12 June 2013.