Day 315 on 18 Apr 14: Living without My Darling Husband

Today is Good Friday public holiday and I'll b seeing u soon !!

U hv always been my personal driver all 20 years of our married life n now I'm learning to be independent all over again! If I can turn back clock I wouldn't marry so I dun hv to be sad with losing my loved one ie you n living w mikaail condition!

There's still so much more that can be done for wheelchair users here in Singapore! My wish list:

1) map of mrt stations exits for wheelchair access - I've emailed SMRT
2) educate able bodied users from using the handicap toilets

I now know how to get to places on Mrt n buses instead of taxis. Ppl think that is easier to travel in taxis for wheelchair users. Thru my own experience I know it's much more difficult as I wud need to tsfr Mikaail from wheelchair to taxi then taxi to wheelchair plus need to fold n unfold the wheelchair. With the mrt n WAB it's pretty much a smooth ride other than rushing passengers regardless of time! WAB are not available on all routes though.

posted from Bloggeroid

Day 314 on 17 Apr 14: Living Without My Darling Husband

Had lunch with my colleagues yesterday at Hjh Maimunah at Jalan Pisang.  Thought of taking Mikaail there then I realised that it's almost impossible for a wheelchair user to get off the Bugis MRT station without having to go one big merry-round!

Tomorrow is Good Friday so my plan is to visit you. Hope you will see me too. Love n miss u muuuuuuch!

BTW, Mikaail had 3 major seizure attacks this early this morning so didn't send him to school. As always after an attack he will doze off!

One of the trigger factors for seizures is extreme stress. I believe it's bcos of your sudden demise and his inability to understand death that's causing the seizures!

Chat tmrw!!

posted from Bloggeroid

Day 298 on 1 April 2014: Living without My Darling Husband

Gosh it's been so long since I last update my blog though I do update my notes to you daily!!  Did u see me last Friday? I was there in the morning and chatted with you.  Arrived later than usual as the mrt had some track fault.

I read the paragraphs in italics from the On Islam website: http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-about-islam/faith-and-worship/islamic-creed/461421-husbands-death.html

The dead hear the living ones: It is stated in the hadiths that those in graves hear the ones who speak while visiting them and respond to their salutations.

It is thawab to plant a tree at one’s grave. There are hadiths stating that a tree planted at a grave will be a reason to ease the dead person’s agony.  

I didnt want to plant a tree as I am afraid the roots might reach deep down and entangle your bones!  I still see you in my mind's eye and I really miss your kisses and hugs!

And poor Mikaail he has been having seizures on a daily basis ranging from 3 to 8 attacks.  Today he didn't go to school as after 3 major seizure attacks plus 2 minor attacks, he was too tired cos he can hardly stay awake!  He woke up at just past midnight and said he wanted the Hi-5 CD for his music class!  Didnt want to go back to sleep so I had to pacify him but to no avail.

When I got back from work today, he was also sleeping!  Then he was awake for less than 10 minutes when he had another minor attack!  Post seizure and he fell asleep again!

Day 289 on 23 March 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling, I'm really so stressed these days!  Nowadays Mikaail has several seizures in a day and usually after his seizures, he will be sleepy.  He was so quiet and dont respond to questions.  It's just like a living toy!  It may sound so harsh but that's what is happening at the moment!

Day 278 on 13 March 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Another humid & hazy day! Mikaail had seizures 3 times very early this am including one major attack. Then the last one at 4:07am looks like he was about to get the major one then I kept stroking his arms and tell him to relax n not to think too much.  You are already in heaven.  You don't know how much he was looking for you & the kind of stress we're going thru almost on a daily basis!

Last evening when I got home he did his peek-a-boo thing then he waited to peek-a-boo you! I can't blame him as he absolutely have no understanding of death.  Did you ever come visit him?  Eh dear do you miss us??

Do you know how stressed I am now?? I can't call it quits yet but on the home front super stressed man.  You know how it is!  So do something please!!

BTW, I've been thinking how did you end up with such a high  cholesterol go into the unhealthy levels when u r generally consuming identical foods as me! Only diff is perhaps i hv cholesterol med since mine was high thru genes plus those magic capsules shd hv contained your cholesterol level!

I'm very alone now dear!  No one to share my thoughts!  Come visit please!

Day 276 on 10 March 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Stuffy MRT ride this morning I guess it's the timing.  I left later today at 725 instead of 7 am.  Mikaail is still on medical leave till tomorrow.  He should be back in school on Wed though.

You know what?  Joe Augustin, the DJ from Class 95 Morning Express brought up the issue of inconsiderate users who used the handicap toilet for their own selfish reasons.  I could relate to his frustration.  Apparently he was at a mall with his family & encounter this issue. Didn't know he has a handicap son. He was pissed that a normal person came out of the handicap toilet.  Usually I tell those able bodied users of the handicap toilets that they must be more considerate by not using these toilets!  I supposed you will only know the frustration when there is a family member who needs to use the handicap toilet otherwise ...

Joe took a photo of this guy when he came out of the handicap toilet and had wanted to shame this guy by posting his photo.  He wanted to get feedback from listeners first though.  I was rather keen to call in but I was in the mrt and I was also so busy at work today!  Every day is a busy day!  Anyway Glenn came up with a so-called perfect solution - voice activated door.   He said in order for the user to use the handicap toilets, the user must say "I am handicapped" and the door will be opened!  Like some magical chants!!  Obviously Glenn never had any contact with people with special needs!  When I heard his suggestion my thoughts immediately went to Mikaail and wanted to tell him stop his crap!

No point in shaming the guy who used the handicap toilet neither is there any merit for the voice activated door!  What we need is some form of penalty for misusing the handicap toilets!  Penalties usually work especially when the pocket is hurt!

Also I was thinking about Mikaail's mood and I'm unsure if it has anything to do with us going back to Woodlands!  He was very quiet since Saturday and we were in Woodlands on both Saturday and Sunday to pack up the stuff.  My intention was to rent out our place since I am pretty much staying with Mariah now.  Mikaail misses you very much and worst since he cant express himself and I also don't know how to explain to him about death.

Day 275 on 9 Mar 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Spent the day in Woodlands to clear up the place.  Made arrangement with Rose, Jaye & Kak Azizah to meet there. The mosque which Rose frequent is organising a jumble sale next weekend.  I donated most of your stuff including your neck ties etc. Shucks! Just realized that I didn't remove the tie I bought for you too!

I thought I was able to go through your stuff but midway I started to cry.  Still got lots to go through but I'll do as much as I can when I am there.  You know I've been controlling my emo.  I will do my best not to cry at least not in front of our family.  Then at work I'm always so busy and a totally different focus altogether.  The only time I can really cry is when I am in the shower!  If my eyes get red, I always say the shampoo got into my eyes!

Then Mikaail's seizures, appetite and mood is going topsy turvy too.  He had seizures about 5 - 10 times a day then Dr Ong gave him a new medication, pregabalin.  Initially seems like the medication was working fine.  He seemed more alert but then today, he started being quiet again!  If you ask him to smile, he will smile for you - obliging just like you!

Day 261 on 23 February 2014: Living without My Darling Husband

Eh dear strangely last night I dreamt of you and in my dreams I had a chat with you.  Don't know how true this is but did you remember telling me that you could "take one person"?  I thought the best would be for you to take me first then I will take Mikaail.  How?

We're both missing you very much.  I brought Mikaail to see the psychologist on Thursday, 13 Feb as he had been asking for you several times a day and even asked if you were busy.  The most stressful part was when he refused to sleep as he wanted to wait for you.  After explaining to him that you are in heaven, he fell asleep only to wake up in the early morning asking for you.

So you decide ok.

Luv ya always

Day 238 on 31 January 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Another very sad day for us!  Mikaail has started to ask for you again!  I really don't know how to explain to him.  To him, Heaven is possibly another venue you go and should be back!  If only this is the way, wouldnt it be nice!  Did you ever come to him at all?  Would have been much easier if he had vision so I could show him the video of when you were buried!

A colleague sent me the following:



Hey, while I was writing to you now, I had a sniff of an unfamiliar fragrance.   Is it you?

Originally I wanted to bring them to lunch but with the current fridge situation, I ended up juicing as much of the fruits and vegetables!  You wouldnt believe the amount of juicing I made yesterday and today!  If I had left the fruits and vegetables in the fridge, these would all have gone to waste!

Oh ya, your sister asked me for your new address and will bring your nephew ie her son along.  I always find family somewhat strange - everyone is always so busy and dont have time to meet unless its CNY, Hari Raya, hospital stays or funerals!

Anyway, you wouldnt believe this!  The latest item that need replacement or repair is the fridge in TP.  It malfunctioned last Wednesday but none of them told me about it.  So annoying!  I just bought food on Wednesday evening to stock up for the CNY break. If I had known, I wouldnt have bought any food!  As in previous years, the supermarkets may be opened but their vendors are not so there is no fresh vegetables!

The next big ticket item I expect is the air conditioner!  Let's see how it fare after cleaning and changing the filter!

Day 237 on 30 January 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Going to be my first CNY without you!  Eh, darling, it's damn sad and heart breaking for us you know!  Is there really lifeafter death?  What are you doing now?  I'm now on my way to see your new space!  Did you know that I've now been taking public transport ie buses and mrt to most places?  I'm sure you are proud of me, as always!

Weather today was rather hot as compared to the previous times I was there!  At the last trip there in middle of this month, the wind was so strong, damaged your handy umbrella!

The plan for me today was to visit your space and my mum's then head to Woodlands to tidy up a bit of the place.  Oh ya, not sure if you heard that my intention is to visit your space monthly either on a weekday or a weekend.

I'm not quite ready to pack your things so I got Marie to pack all into cartons!  Not sure if I can ever unpack and store or give them away!  I feel very stranded!!  Life is so meaningless for me now.  If not for Mikaail, I would have made my own way to join you as it is not right for me to leave him otherwise.

Anyway, when I got back to Woodlands, just look at the space!

I had half a mind to contact Town Council to ask them to do their job but then I decided perhaps leave this for now!  Will see at next trip!

Oh ya, forgot to take pictures of the house as it is now!  Super messy but moving in the right direction ie there is still about 30% more to move and/or discard!  After the move last month, we have been moving stuff via MRT!

Day 233 on 26 January 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

You know I really hate weekends and public holidays!  The next long weekend is this Friday being CNY and it's even worst now for me!  Urgh!  God!  Why so unfair???   I am still finding it really tough living without you!  I know that you are gone and yet I am still missing you!  Work became my "best friend".  I had a different focus.

Yesterday Mikaail had fits and this one was super serious!  He was zonked out for the whole day and even today.  He hardly utter any words and when he did, no one can hear him.  He cant even drink his milk so had to feed him using either a syringe or spoon.  He is really in a world of his own.  I'm sure this is due to the seizure he had yesterday morning.  Apart from this episode, he also had his normal fits.  Between yesterday and today he had almost a total of 10 - 12 attacks!

Another thing I am thinking of bringing Mikaail for acupuncture!  The stuff I read from Google seems to say that acupuncture can be used for stroke recovery!  A colleague church friend who had stroke seemed to be 80% recovered!

Today I was supposed to go back to Woodlands to drop off stuff and at the same time pick up stuff.  Since Mikaail is unwell, we decided not to go and let him rest.  This morning, there was the usual commotion and I was so close to screaming!  So I had to intervene especially with Mikaail so zonked out!

On a lighter note, I've started going to the gym.  Wished we had done this before!  Remember I was keen for us to sign up for the combat training?  Anyway, I've started my first body combat session last week.  I did enjoy it and I kept thinking how wonderful it would have been had we gone together for the classes.  Also, my first Run this year will be the following Saturday, 9 Feb ie the inaugural Mediacorp Hong Bao 2014 Run.  When I signed up for it, not much details were provided.  Anyway, now I know that the route was similar as Shape Run.  I collected the run pack last Friday evening since the run is barely 2 weeks' time.

I've practically got to do all the things that we used to do together solo!!  Depressing, really!  See today despite having to worry about Mikaail's condition, I also have to remain emotionally and physically strong as I cant show sadness at home.  I have to always keep my emotions tucked away!

Also, I am thinking of going back for refresher classes with AKLTG and IBEI.  I need different things to focus in order to keep my mind sane!

I am planning to visit you again this Thursday - eve of CNY!  This time I will go on my own though and will pop over at my mum's first then you.  So I can spend more time at your plot.  What has happened to you?  Did you ever miss us?  I am thinking if I should even give it a shot at talking to you through the unconventional method.

Day 229 on 22 January 14: Living without my darling husband

Stressful start at home. Though it is the usual commotion, it's worst now since you are no longer around!  Just think for a moment how stressful it is for me!  Urgh!!!!!

We may have a regular taxi though this driver didnt want to commit to the regular pick up.  The past 3 days he had waited for us at the taxi stand though.  This morning after he dropped them off at school, he told them "see you tomorrow".  Hopefully he can pick them up regularly as it does save me some time too.

It still hurts whenever I think of you.  There had never been a day when I didnt shed tears when thinking of you!  20 years of our lives together and suddenly you were taken away from me!  Why did it has to be you?  I told Dr Chin that you went to the hospital for treatment in the hope of prolonging your life.  Instead you lost your life in the process.  How ironic is this?  If you didnt seek treatment and kick the bucket, perhaps it might have been easier for me to accept your death.  I would probably be pissed off with you though possibly since you didnt seek treatment.  I really feel so cheated, dumped, ditched all rolled into one!

Whenever I looked at our photos together you looked so alive and all the happy memories start flooding my mind again!  Very heartbroken!

I now need to do so many things by myself or without any discussion with anyone!  Mikaail is still waiting for you.  I've managed to get an appointment for Mikaail to see the psychiatrist. I am also in the midst of getting a replacement helper as Marie's contract is ending soon.

Please take us with you!

Luv ya always!!!

Day 224 on 17 January 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Went on leave again this week as I had to arrange for an urgent appointment for Mikaail to see Dr Ong so he could refer Mikaail to the child psychiatrist.  I thought he was getting used to living without you but when he started wanting to wait up for you, that's a different issue altogether!

Eh darling, you didnt miss us at all is it?  The last time I dreamt of you was the weekend before the last Hari Raya Haji!!!  Also, did you ever appear in Mikaail's dream?  I'm not sure if he dream of you at all!  Though I miss you very much, I am not expecting to see you when we are worlds apart!  I am hoping to see you in my dreams!  

Appended is a screenshot of the sms exchange I had with Jaye!  I am disappointed that you came to her dreams but not mine!  Hope to see you tonight!  BTW, I will be going to your new domain tomorrow!

Day 223 on 16 January 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Family and friends told me to move on.  Sure.  Time dont stand still for anyone!  Even if I choose not to move time still moves!  I still have Mikaail to be cared for.  At our last meal together in the ward, we didnt even chat very much except you told me what Dr Chin told you ie position of the stents plus the use of medicated stents and how you were concerned over the costs!  Total bill came up to over $60K!

I feel that your death now is a statistics in their records of a failed procedure or perhaps that you are in the 1% risk group!  I asked myself many times before I went to the inquest.  What was I expecting to hear?  I supposed more answers to what really happened in the lab ie who caused the real screw up.  The coroner said complications arising out of the procedure.  Sure, one general term to sum up.  As good as saying it's fated!

So how do I move on from here?  I no longer have you for my pillar to lean on for support!  Believe it or not, despite you being gone for 223 days, today, I sometimes forget that you are gone!  Please come and visit!

Day 222 on 15 January 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Attended the coronary inquiry today on the cause of your death.  I must say that I am really disappointed with the outcome though I was told to be prepared for it.  Your death was eventually recorded as death due to known complications arising out of the angioplasty!

Complication is a very general word to term anything else that cannot be properly explained!

I asked Dr Chin about the medicated stents and why these were chosen over the normal stents.  Dr Chin's response was that medicated stents have less than 5% chance of re-narrowing while the normal stents have an approximately 20% chance of renarrowing over a 6-month period.  Articles on Google relating to the medicated stents showed:

Dissected valve:  Strangely when Dr Aaron Wong asked me if I know that you had dissected valve.  Was this due to someone carelessness?  The dissected valve didnt show up in the pathologist, Dr George Paul's report.  His report indicated that the valves were "grossly normal"!

Why was bypass not carried out when the first procedure resulted in the chest pains?  Did the cardiac surgeons made the wrong diagnosis by getting the doctors to stabilise heart?  If the cardiac surgeons had proceeded with the bypass/open heart surgery, perhaps you might have a chance!

Looking back Mikaail lost his vision through some screw up process by the medical professionals too!  You lost your life while seeking treatment to prolong your life!  Was there ever any mention of oral medication in the first place?  I don't recall this part - did you?