Day 220 on 13 January 2014: Living without My Darling Husband

Mikaail is missing you so badly!  Today he is acting really strange!  He kept putting his left hand on his face to do his peek-a-boo with you!  He kept on calling for you and I really didn't know what else to do.  Why did you have to go so soon?  I hope you can see us here and you know what we are going through!  Mikaail doesn't know the meaning of death or heaven for that matter.  Previously I told him that you've gone to heaven or "da da no more" he will stop asking but now it seems that he is still waiting for you!  

I am going to call NUH tomorrow and see if Dr Ong can write a referral letter to some one - I don't know who!  Even his school psychologist who presumably has exposure with the special needs children is not too experienced to understand and assist him in terms of grieving!

In our minds, you are still very much alive!  Every time I looked at our family photos, I still see your smile!  Why dont you come to me in my dreams?  Dont you miss me at all?  Is there life in the other world?    

On Wednesday, 15 Jan, there will be the inquest into your death.  I know it is not going to be easy to prove that there is anything that the medical team had done wrong though in my mind I still feel that someone in the lab was not careful when doing the stenting and caused the valve to be dissected!  You went to the hospital to get treatment but ended up losing your life!  It will just be a failed procedure ie within the 1% risk!

As Elsa once told me I dont have good luck with doctors!  I believe so!  Perhaps Irfan would have been alive if the doctor didn't take things for granted.  Mikaail wouldnt have lost his vision had the doctors and surgeons been more careful and regarded retina detachment as a procedure requiring immediate surgery!