The Day Mikaail Fell

Darling

I got a shock of my life - again!  This time Mikaail fell off the bed!  I was preparing to change him as I was going to bring him to Toa Payoh to attend prayers for my mum's 2 years death anniversary.  Then as I walked towards the Philips fan and while my back was turned away from him, I heard a "ke-de-bob" sound.  When I turned back, I saw him in an awkward position on the floor - face down!  Gosh!  I quickly run to him and carried him onto my lap.

I saw some blood dripping from his mouth!  I quickly shook him to wake him up as he looked like he's zonked out! I panicked and as I carried him onto my lap, I didnt realise there was some blood on my dress too!

Mariah dont leave him on his own just for a few seconds and would insist that Marie stand next to him.  I always felt she was over doing this but this incident just goes to show that I shouldnt take it for granted.  Normally he wouldnt turn but this time I am really shocked that he did.  When he was on the floor, he was unable to turn around.

I'll just have to be more careful with him now!

Luv us always!

Love You Always - 26 September 2013

Darling

I missed you so much!  I see you in my mind's eyes stretching out your hands in the hospital clothes after your procedure ie the last time I see you happy!  I feel so empty and no purpose in my life now and I know that I must continue living just for Mikaail.  You know when you were alive, at least I have you to share my daily activities with.  Maybe I shouldnt have terminated your mobile phone so at least I can still sms to you!  I didnt want to end up paying for something that I have no need to use!

A colleague told me that there are couples who were married for much longer than our 20 years but didnt spend too much time together.  So in a way, she said it was like our time was condensed!  Oh ya, I also reminded her about getting a Will as it will save her money and time in future.  She would need to do 2 Wills, I supposed one for herself and another for hubby!

Then another friend told me that she hardly spent much time with her hubby!  I encouraged her to join her husband in doing the things he enjoys then perhaps slowly draw him into her activity.  I told her that we used to go out on weekends together with our son.  So with you gone, I would have to take Mikaail out on my own now as I wouldnt want to keep him at home other than to school!

I missed also practising the Rumba with you.  I'm sure Rumba  would have been our regular activity but now it is collecting dust on your computer table!  On weekday nights as soon as I get home, I have my shower then I prepare the juicing vegetables/fruits, fix the juicer, juice the vegetables/fruits then wash the machine!  Mikaail do enjoy the vegetable juices too and its good for him as he hardly eat vegetables!

There are so many changes on the work front.  Juicy news and I cant talk to you about this now!  It's all bottled up inside me.  Also with all these changes, I might just quit working earlier than I had originally planned.

Luv me!

Loving You Always - 24 Sep 13

Darling

I know that if you are still here with me, you would be so proud of your wife!  I've "recycled" the broccoli and celery pulp and add these to the mashed potato and tuna flakes then add egg to make into tiny pancakes otherwise potato balls.

Ever since you are gone, I've decided to go into juicing instead to minimise the need for cooking.  You know dinner is our time for us to download the day's events so now there is no one who can take your place!

There are so much in my heart that I need to talk to you but would you be able to know?  Can you hear me or visit me?

It's been 3.5 months since you've departed.  On one hand I am happy as I believe you didnt suffer pain since you were heavily sedated.  Now you are carefree as a bird and I am struggling!  So unfair!

The usual morning home stress are evident and at times it seems to get worst by the day. At times I had to literally screamed before the noise subside!

Luv me always!

Loving You Always

Darling

Mikaail said "Missed Da Da" and I said ya, mama too!  You don't know how much your demise affected both of us terribly or did you?  How is it at the other side of the world?  I'm just hoping that you will come back and we are all happy together again!  Can this be real?  Even if both of us kick the bucket now, does it mean we will be together again?

It's the F1 weekend and if you were here, I know you would buy us the F1 bags, t-shirts, etc.  There's so much great memories you left behind.  Worst was we didnt get to spend an time together after the lunch!  I felt damn shortchanged you know!!

I've stopped counting the number of days you've left us as I know you are never going to come back to us.  There is just such a huge emptiness in our lives now.

The other day, the spray pipe had a leak and I had to changed it!  Wasn't sure how to do it but I did it anyway and it worked!

         

 




I've also oiled the keyhole to the mailbox and it's been working fine now.   I've been collecting the mails daily too.  In fact I've left the can of WD40 in the mailbox so the moment there is a slight feel of tightness, I will just spray the keyhole.

Oh btw, I intend to pay a visit at your new home this coming Friday then I'll go back to office.

Remember & luv us always!!

Day 100 on 14 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

I cant believe it's been 100 days today that you've left both Mikaail and me.  We've managed but not without lots of heartache.  I really do not know how if at all Mikaail is mourning for you.  I doubt that he even know how to!  I feel that your loss is slowly hitting him as he is now asking for you almost daily.  It's heartbreaking for me each time he asked for you.

No one really knows how I feel and how difficult it is for me to cope without you.  How true is the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder!  We've been always together all these years and suddenly you are gone in a matter of days!

Today's prayers is again led by Shahid and the regular parties in attendance:

 





The menu for your 100 days were sponsored by our siblings:

Chicken Curry:

     


Sambal Goreng:

  

 Egg Sambal with Sotong:

Desserts:

Day 99 on 13 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

I took leave today to buy the grocery for tomorrow prayers.  After that I planned to bring Mikaail out shopping at Tangs as I intend to purchase a juicer.  Next stop is City Hall for Haagen Daaz ice cream then Bugis for late lunch at Siam Kitchen.

We took the MRT from Woodlands to Orchard.  Then from Orchard to get to Tangs, gosh, it is so inconvenient as it is not wheelchair accessible at all!  We ended up walking past Takashimaya and down towards Orchard Link, crossed the traffic light then towards Paragon and then towards Lucky Plaza and then to Tangs!  That's the last time I will go to Tangs unless there is wheelchair access!

  

 

Day 97 on 11 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Please take me with you!  I'm really missing the other part of me!  Though I cry much lesser now, there still isn't a day when I dont shed tears!  It's really frustrating.  Though I have family and friends, you are still my missing link!

I miss discussing the day's activities with you.  After 20 years we've been doing almost everything together, I'm really finding it tough to carry on living without you!  And you know sometimes I just feel like you will be coming back but I know it's impossible.  All your things are still as they were when we left for SGH on Tuesday, 3 June for the procedure.

Do you know that I now leave office around 5:15 pm and I reached home about an hour and a bit depending on the SMRT drivers?  Nothing to look forward to other than Mikaail playing peek-a-boo with me.

Luv ya

Day 95 on 9 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

It's school holiday this week and also your 100 days prayers!  I'll probably take leave this Friday to get some of the groceries for Saturday's prayers.

Oh ya, your eldest brother's wife passed away this afternoon and 3rd brother's wife said I shouldnt go as it is still within 100 days of your demise.  

While I was at work today, Mariah called to say that there were 2 social workers from NHC at home!  I was rather shocked.  There was no appointment nor a call from them relating to the visit.  Anyway, looking back, I would say that NHC is full of surprises!

1. A routine procedure conducted by a senior consultant resulted in death
2. A social worker who had no sense of urgency suddenly decided to call me while I am at work and thinks nothing of causing further distress to me.
3. Her supervisor who made a surprise visit to our home today and was even more surprised when I told her that I am at work!

My intention was to follow up with the social worker who called me 2 months after you had passed away but there were some issues I need to settle first.  I feel that they do have some form of process they are following relating to your death.  Why wait 2 months before they call then 1 month after their first call?  Thought process?

I probably take leave to meet them this Wednesday together with Jaye and possibly, Andy.  Not decided yet but that's the plan for now.

See you tonight.

Luv ya always!!

Day 94 on 8 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

You know what?  This morning Mikaail asked me "da da?".  Usually he would have said "da da no more"  So I asked him if he saw you in his dreams and he said yes.  He showed me the "good" sign.  I asked him if you told him to be a good boy and he said yes.  Not sure if he really comprehends this.

I miss you too!  Though I know you are never coming back, a part of me is still longing for you.  I miss all the times we spent together and the smses we sent to each other so often.  After 20 years of marriage and suddenly I am left all alone, it is really difficult for me to adjust.  Every one I know told me I need to move on.  Sure.  I know that but it's not easy and they also know that.

Songs that remind me of you and mails with your name bring the sadness in my heart.  I supposed at the end of the day, I am not ready to let go.  I am still clinging on to all things related to you.  I don't know if there is really life the other side and how you are getting by, if there is really such a thing!

It will soon be 100 days since you've departed.  If its not for work, I'll probably gone bananas!  At least the job keeps my mind focus elsewhere.  Weekends and public holidays which I used to look forward to are now very much dreaded!  In my mind you are very much alive and I still see you with both hands stretched out showing me the stickers which were left behind by the hospital.  These memories also bring back all the sadness again.  I am afraid I might lose all the memories in time to come.  There are so many more things I need to discuss with you but how to??

I came across a newspaper article you cut and keep in your drawer.  I'm not sure if I should contact the doctor and bring Mikaail there for review.  Who do I consult?  Can I trust the medical professionals?  What if something else happens?  How do I go on?

Changed my mind about going to the library today as the clouds look like it was going to open up any moment!

Anyway, after changing from Starhub to Singtel, the TV was not connected to the speakers.  I had to call Hashim to help fix them up.  So now all 3 speakers are re-connected to the TV.

Miss you terribly!

Day 91 on 5 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Mikaail seems to remember you now as he will casually say "Da Da no more".  This morning while I was bathing him, he also said so.  I told him, yes, da da no more and da da always remind you to be an obedient boy, right.  Unlike me, I can cry and talk about my feelings.  He cant.  I think his tear duct must have been screwed up by the professionals!

I went to the doctor this morning as I've been feeling breathless lately.  Did an ECG and results are ok.  Doctor gave me paracetemol but said it could cause drowsiness!!  Never heard that paracetemol can cause drowsiness.  She told me that the breathlessness could just be a muscle tightness.

This evening both of them squabble again - the usual but really pissed me.  It's generally quiet until I come home.  I asked if I should even come home then.  Like I've always say, work is not as stressful as home so much so I hate weekends though I need it to "recharge".  How can I recharge when I am more stressed up???

I think this Saturday I would probably go to NTUC Finest to get the kale.  Then on Sunday, I plan to spend the day at the library.  Mikaail will be bored if I am just at home with him.  He will be asking me what am I doing every few minutes or even seconds!  Gosh, I can just hear him asking me!!!  As you know, it is difficult to go to the malls on a weekend!

Just now I just felt like I should just end it all!  I would need to end him first but I dont think I would be able to do so!  Darling, please tell me what to do!!

Luv ya always

Day 90 on 4 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

First thing Mikaail said to me when he woke up this morning was "Da Da no more".  I know he missed you as much as I do, if not more!  I dont know how to extract his emotion of losing you from him.  I am still struggling to move and this is despite me having the opportunity to speak to quite a few people about my emotions.  He cant!  Is it good or bad?

Tomorrow is teachers' day celebration in his school.  Too many things on my mind and I almost forgot about getting the presents.

Also nowadays I tend to sleep in the mrt on my journey home.  It's a long journey and I'm usually very tired at the end of the day!

I dont know if I will ever meet you in my dreams and I wonder how life is there for.

Luv ya always!

Day 89 on 3 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

I'm still waiting to see you, love!  Whatever it is, I miss you so much.  I'm really lonely and have no one to share my thoughts and feelings anymore.  I do have my sisters but it's not the same like when I share things

Somehow sometimes in my mind I still feel that though you are no longer at home and I know that you are never coming back, I am yearning to feel your touch and kiss!  What are you doing there now?  Can you hear us or know that we are missing you?  Will you ever come in my dreams?

Finally, today I've terminated your mobile line and all of Starhub services.  I've signed up for the MIOTV and fibre optic with Singtel which commenced yesterday.

Luv you always