Day 398 on 10 July 14: Living without my Darling Husband

OMG!!!  398 days have passed and the loneliness is harder to bear.  Why do I have to go through life without your loving support?  It's so unfair. Some people said that I should be happy that you've gone to a better place.  I believe so too. Please come to my dreams & kiss me softly on my cheek and tell me where you are. Please explain to me why you had to go. I miss you very much!

All I have left of you now are memories of the happy times we shared which I will needless to say will cherish them forever.  So I will continue on living until the day you come for me and Mikaail and take us away.

I've got our family photo as my phone screen saver - always looking at you.  Wondering how and why did the screw up happened thereby destroyed both Mikaail and my future.

Day 367 on 9 June 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Lots of flashbacks!  Yesterday I spent the whole day w Mikaail as Mariah had her own weekend activities.  As Mikaail was not his usual self I feel super stressed.  He wet the bed,  poo in his pants, his voice almost inaudible and he hardly eat. His weight is now 28kg for a 15 year old!  I was so stressed up yesterday when I asked him if he wants to pee but he kept quiet then he wet his pants.  I was so angry that I shouted at him.  He got a shock.  His body literally jumped up t hen he apologised!  Gosh this makes feel really horrid.  In his condition he knows to apologise and here I am shouting at him just because I cant control my emotion.  What a mother I am!

I feel so terribly played out and looking at him in such a state really breaks my heart.  You should see him and you will understand.

Day 360 on 2 June: Living Without My Darling Husband

It's the start of the school holidays and we have nowhere to go!  So sad you know!  There's not even a flicker of hope for us now.  Although outwardly I look OK I'm missing you so much more everyday.  You know it's really unfair for me to think of the sad times or times when I'm pissed with you.  Thinking of happy times makes me extra sad. Urgh!! How can this happened? Whose fault?  Lots of people tell me that's it's a cover up!

Dear did you know that there are many times I feel as if you were away and will return.   I'm missing you so much & whenever I think of you I will cry!  So what I do now is I think best to think of times when we pissed each other off! Maybe then I could let go a bit not sure.  While writing this I'm already feeling the sadness! !

Day 352 on 25 May 14: Living Without My Darling Husband

The days passed extremely fast and today is 352 days since you left us and we missed you so.  While I am doing my best to manage living without your love and constant support, Mikaail is falling into depression.  He is not eating well and sleeps much more. If you ask him to smile, he will and that is about all he would do.  

We were in Woodlands yesterday to clear up the house and hopefully rent it out instead of keeping it empty since we are all staying with Mariah.  Sometimes I feel that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages especially mental rather than physical .  Marie nowadays retaliate Mariah's instruction and sometimes the tone of her response is louder than normal speech.  When I am home, it is almost non-existent or minimal.  Usually I will remind her to watch her tone.  

I've started applying essential oils on the soles of Mikaail's feet and also diffuse some of the oils.  I'm replacing Zell-V with NingXia Red for him and I feel there is some effect.  Also, today I told him that if he misses you, just say a prayer for you and to ask Allah to take care of you for him.  This also seems to have a positive effect on him.

Please come visit me.  I miss you dearly.

Day 339 on 12 May 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling

Today I feel so overwhelmingly stressed!  So much to manage on my own!  Though we talked many times that women live longer than men we never really make plans in case of any eventuality.  Gosh as you know the stress at home is many times more than office!  I know Mariah is doing her best to accommodate Marie but they clash in every aspect.  Urgh!!!

Then there's Mikaail.  He's the most poor thing of all.  He can't understand what happened.  He has never been the same ever since.  Now he's only eating Heinz bottled food meant for 6 months old baby!  He sleeps so much nowadays and even when he is awake he is so quiet - dont seem interested in anything.  Even his favourite tv programs like Hi-5 and Barney.

While I'm at work Mikaail would be hearing all the squabbles! Don't you think he'll be stressed too?  I am feeling the stress and it is getting worst by the day.  So much in my heart and mind and I cant share with anyone else.

Although Dr Chin replied to my  email, explaining the procedure,  your life is already screwed up!

Day 338 on 11 May 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling

You don't know the amount of stress I am going through daily at home!  Urgh!  We never discussed me living without you though you always say that woman live longer!  Should have really discussed this.  Now I feel like I've been left in the lurch.

Stayed over in Woodlands last Friday and you know what?  You can come home any time as I'm still clearing up our home as I intend to rent it out.

It's been close to a year since your sudden death and both Mikaail and I are still struggling without you.  How have you been?   Life now is so meaningless.  Nothing else to look forward to.  No point to go anywhere too as Mikaail is literally in a world of his own.   Please come visit us.  I am very concerned that Mikaail is still not his usual self.  He is extremely quiet and not eating well too.   His next appointment with the psychiatrist is on 18 June and I don't know what to expect from this appointment.

Day 315 on 18 Apr 14: Living without My Darling Husband

Today is Good Friday public holiday and I'll b seeing u soon !!

U hv always been my personal driver all 20 years of our married life n now I'm learning to be independent all over again! If I can turn back clock I wouldn't marry so I dun hv to be sad with losing my loved one ie you n living w mikaail condition!

There's still so much more that can be done for wheelchair users here in Singapore! My wish list:

1) map of mrt stations exits for wheelchair access - I've emailed SMRT
2) educate able bodied users from using the handicap toilets

I now know how to get to places on Mrt n buses instead of taxis. Ppl think that is easier to travel in taxis for wheelchair users. Thru my own experience I know it's much more difficult as I wud need to tsfr Mikaail from wheelchair to taxi then taxi to wheelchair plus need to fold n unfold the wheelchair. With the mrt n WAB it's pretty much a smooth ride other than rushing passengers regardless of time! WAB are not available on all routes though.

posted from Bloggeroid

Day 314 on 17 Apr 14: Living Without My Darling Husband

Had lunch with my colleagues yesterday at Hjh Maimunah at Jalan Pisang.  Thought of taking Mikaail there then I realised that it's almost impossible for a wheelchair user to get off the Bugis MRT station without having to go one big merry-round!

Tomorrow is Good Friday so my plan is to visit you. Hope you will see me too. Love n miss u muuuuuuch!

BTW, Mikaail had 3 major seizure attacks this early this morning so didn't send him to school. As always after an attack he will doze off!

One of the trigger factors for seizures is extreme stress. I believe it's bcos of your sudden demise and his inability to understand death that's causing the seizures!

Chat tmrw!!

posted from Bloggeroid

Day 298 on 1 April 2014: Living without My Darling Husband

Gosh it's been so long since I last update my blog though I do update my notes to you daily!!  Did u see me last Friday? I was there in the morning and chatted with you.  Arrived later than usual as the mrt had some track fault.

I read the paragraphs in italics from the On Islam website: http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-about-islam/faith-and-worship/islamic-creed/461421-husbands-death.html

The dead hear the living ones: It is stated in the hadiths that those in graves hear the ones who speak while visiting them and respond to their salutations.

It is thawab to plant a tree at one’s grave. There are hadiths stating that a tree planted at a grave will be a reason to ease the dead person’s agony.  

I didnt want to plant a tree as I am afraid the roots might reach deep down and entangle your bones!  I still see you in my mind's eye and I really miss your kisses and hugs!

And poor Mikaail he has been having seizures on a daily basis ranging from 3 to 8 attacks.  Today he didn't go to school as after 3 major seizure attacks plus 2 minor attacks, he was too tired cos he can hardly stay awake!  He woke up at just past midnight and said he wanted the Hi-5 CD for his music class!  Didnt want to go back to sleep so I had to pacify him but to no avail.

When I got back from work today, he was also sleeping!  Then he was awake for less than 10 minutes when he had another minor attack!  Post seizure and he fell asleep again!

Day 289 on 23 March 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling, I'm really so stressed these days!  Nowadays Mikaail has several seizures in a day and usually after his seizures, he will be sleepy.  He was so quiet and dont respond to questions.  It's just like a living toy!  It may sound so harsh but that's what is happening at the moment!

Day 278 on 13 March 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Another humid & hazy day! Mikaail had seizures 3 times very early this am including one major attack. Then the last one at 4:07am looks like he was about to get the major one then I kept stroking his arms and tell him to relax n not to think too much.  You are already in heaven.  You don't know how much he was looking for you & the kind of stress we're going thru almost on a daily basis!

Last evening when I got home he did his peek-a-boo thing then he waited to peek-a-boo you! I can't blame him as he absolutely have no understanding of death.  Did you ever come visit him?  Eh dear do you miss us??

Do you know how stressed I am now?? I can't call it quits yet but on the home front super stressed man.  You know how it is!  So do something please!!

BTW, I've been thinking how did you end up with such a high  cholesterol go into the unhealthy levels when u r generally consuming identical foods as me! Only diff is perhaps i hv cholesterol med since mine was high thru genes plus those magic capsules shd hv contained your cholesterol level!

I'm very alone now dear!  No one to share my thoughts!  Come visit please!

Day 276 on 10 March 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Stuffy MRT ride this morning I guess it's the timing.  I left later today at 725 instead of 7 am.  Mikaail is still on medical leave till tomorrow.  He should be back in school on Wed though.

You know what?  Joe Augustin, the DJ from Class 95 Morning Express brought up the issue of inconsiderate users who used the handicap toilet for their own selfish reasons.  I could relate to his frustration.  Apparently he was at a mall with his family & encounter this issue. Didn't know he has a handicap son. He was pissed that a normal person came out of the handicap toilet.  Usually I tell those able bodied users of the handicap toilets that they must be more considerate by not using these toilets!  I supposed you will only know the frustration when there is a family member who needs to use the handicap toilet otherwise ...

Joe took a photo of this guy when he came out of the handicap toilet and had wanted to shame this guy by posting his photo.  He wanted to get feedback from listeners first though.  I was rather keen to call in but I was in the mrt and I was also so busy at work today!  Every day is a busy day!  Anyway Glenn came up with a so-called perfect solution - voice activated door.   He said in order for the user to use the handicap toilets, the user must say "I am handicapped" and the door will be opened!  Like some magical chants!!  Obviously Glenn never had any contact with people with special needs!  When I heard his suggestion my thoughts immediately went to Mikaail and wanted to tell him stop his crap!

No point in shaming the guy who used the handicap toilet neither is there any merit for the voice activated door!  What we need is some form of penalty for misusing the handicap toilets!  Penalties usually work especially when the pocket is hurt!

Also I was thinking about Mikaail's mood and I'm unsure if it has anything to do with us going back to Woodlands!  He was very quiet since Saturday and we were in Woodlands on both Saturday and Sunday to pack up the stuff.  My intention was to rent out our place since I am pretty much staying with Mariah now.  Mikaail misses you very much and worst since he cant express himself and I also don't know how to explain to him about death.

Day 275 on 9 Mar 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Spent the day in Woodlands to clear up the place.  Made arrangement with Rose, Jaye & Kak Azizah to meet there. The mosque which Rose frequent is organising a jumble sale next weekend.  I donated most of your stuff including your neck ties etc. Shucks! Just realized that I didn't remove the tie I bought for you too!

I thought I was able to go through your stuff but midway I started to cry.  Still got lots to go through but I'll do as much as I can when I am there.  You know I've been controlling my emo.  I will do my best not to cry at least not in front of our family.  Then at work I'm always so busy and a totally different focus altogether.  The only time I can really cry is when I am in the shower!  If my eyes get red, I always say the shampoo got into my eyes!

Then Mikaail's seizures, appetite and mood is going topsy turvy too.  He had seizures about 5 - 10 times a day then Dr Ong gave him a new medication, pregabalin.  Initially seems like the medication was working fine.  He seemed more alert but then today, he started being quiet again!  If you ask him to smile, he will smile for you - obliging just like you!

Day 261 on 23 February 2014: Living without My Darling Husband

Eh dear strangely last night I dreamt of you and in my dreams I had a chat with you.  Don't know how true this is but did you remember telling me that you could "take one person"?  I thought the best would be for you to take me first then I will take Mikaail.  How?

We're both missing you very much.  I brought Mikaail to see the psychologist on Thursday, 13 Feb as he had been asking for you several times a day and even asked if you were busy.  The most stressful part was when he refused to sleep as he wanted to wait for you.  After explaining to him that you are in heaven, he fell asleep only to wake up in the early morning asking for you.

So you decide ok.

Luv ya always

Day 238 on 31 January 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Another very sad day for us!  Mikaail has started to ask for you again!  I really don't know how to explain to him.  To him, Heaven is possibly another venue you go and should be back!  If only this is the way, wouldnt it be nice!  Did you ever come to him at all?  Would have been much easier if he had vision so I could show him the video of when you were buried!

A colleague sent me the following:



Hey, while I was writing to you now, I had a sniff of an unfamiliar fragrance.   Is it you?

Originally I wanted to bring them to lunch but with the current fridge situation, I ended up juicing as much of the fruits and vegetables!  You wouldnt believe the amount of juicing I made yesterday and today!  If I had left the fruits and vegetables in the fridge, these would all have gone to waste!

Oh ya, your sister asked me for your new address and will bring your nephew ie her son along.  I always find family somewhat strange - everyone is always so busy and dont have time to meet unless its CNY, Hari Raya, hospital stays or funerals!

Anyway, you wouldnt believe this!  The latest item that need replacement or repair is the fridge in TP.  It malfunctioned last Wednesday but none of them told me about it.  So annoying!  I just bought food on Wednesday evening to stock up for the CNY break. If I had known, I wouldnt have bought any food!  As in previous years, the supermarkets may be opened but their vendors are not so there is no fresh vegetables!

The next big ticket item I expect is the air conditioner!  Let's see how it fare after cleaning and changing the filter!