Day 2 of Leading to Alex’s Demise

More devastating news – vital organs have started to fail.  Very little urine signals kidney failure, skin turning yellow indicates liver issue, low blood pressure is another signal that shows very weak heart!  Then the doctors got another team of specialist to see if there is any chance they could help.  They told us that if we intend to try and keep him, we must be prepared that they would have to amputate his right arm as the arteries are also failing and gangrene will set in!

Gosh!  Even if it were me, I would rather just die!!  Anyway as we had both signed off our organs years ago – I thought I should honour what we agreed but it is not as simple.  It was easy to agree when we are both alive and well but when the other is fighting for life, it seems rather heartless!!  Initially I thought I should honour our agreement but this means I wouldn’t have given him any fighting chance at all!

At this point, I decided that I should bring my son, Mikaail, and another of my sisters who is my son’s main caregiver to visit him.  They have not seen him ever since we left for the hospital very early on Wednesday morning.  I didn’t want to bring my son as he has multiple disabilities, wheelchair bound, blind and has very low immune system.  I’m afraid that he may contract viruses in the hospital.  Anyhow, since my husband’s condition is really critical, I thought I’d take a chance.  When my son came, I let him hold my husband’s hand.  I doubt my husband could feel him as that’s the hand which is presumably “dead”.  There were many machines and with Mikaail on a wheelchair, it was tough to bring him round the other side of the room.

Together, the 2 of us sang “Special Angel by Bobby Helms” and “Hero by Mariah Carey”.  We used to sing these songs together as the lyrics are very meaningful.

The doctors told us that we should have a family discussion whether to let him go and not to make the sole decision.  After discussion with both sides of our families, we decided that since the major organs are failing, it is better to let him go.  I told the doctors that they must ensure that there is absolutely no pain at all for him.

I sat by his side and told him to let go.  I promised him I will take care of Mikaail.  He is my son and I will be with him.

Day 1 Leading to Alex’s Demise

It’s been more than a week and I’m still hoping that it’s just a nightmare!  No goodbye & no farewell kiss.  I can’t even kiss him as there was the breathing tube attached which can’t be removed even though he had left this world!  We usually give each other a kiss before we part for the day!

Alex had complained of intermittent chest pains for a couple of weeks prior to his demise on Friday, 7 June 2013.  So on Monday, 3 June, he went to Shenton Medical Centre at Arcade in Raffles Place.  The doctor, Dr Winston Ho, arranged for ECG and X-ray to be done in the clinic.  His ECG showed an abnormal heartbeat and Dr Ho arranged for further checks at National Heart Centre and an appointment was scheduled at 2:30 pm on Tuesday, 4 June.

When we were at National Heart Centre (NHC), we were attended by Dr Chin Chee Tang, a senior consultant.  Dr Chin told us that if we had gone to any hospital with the ECG printout and Alex explaining to the doctors of his condition, Alex would have been admitted immediately.  Dr Chin also went on to explain how a clogged artery looks like.  He said Alex is a good candidate for angiogram and if we don’t do this angiogram sooner, there is a high chance that Alex may have a heart attack.

We then decided to proceed with the angiogram the next day ie on Wednesday.  Dr Chin did mention that he has a business trip after the procedure.  As this procedure is relatively low risk, we felt it is ok to proceed.

There were a couple of blood tests done in NHC on Tuesday, 4 June.

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Alex got up at 3:30 am to have a light breakfast as the nurse at NHC had told us no food after 4 am and medication must be taken at 6 am.  We set out early as our appointment was at 7 am at Singapore General Hospital (SGH) and we arrived at 6:50 am.

When we arrived at SGH we went directly to Ward 44, not realizing that we should have gone to the Admissions for registration.  Anyhow the nurse in Ward 44, said it is ok and I can just go and sort out the admission matters later while Alex goes for his procedure.

After the nurse had taken his weight, height and blood test, he was wheeled into the lab on the 2nd floor.  I went with him to the lab and before we departed, I gave a quick kiss.  

This procedure lasted for about 45 minutes and he was apparently wheeled back into the ward at approximately 11 am.  I received a call from the hospital to say that he is back.  I rushed back from the food court to the ward.  Though I was seated at the waiting area, I didn’t see him wheeled into the ward.  After waiting for some endless wait, I approach the nurse then he told me that my husband was just back!  He was warded in the ICU as the High Dependency beds were not available.  It is routine for all patients who underwent this angiogram procedure to stay in the hospital for at least a night for observation.  Anyway, he said he was hungry so I informed the nurse and they got his lunch and we had our lunch together.

Approximately 2 hours after the lunch, he complained of severe chest pains.  I called for the nurse and she asked him the severity on a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being severe.  He rated the pain as 10.  The nurse called for the doctor and also asked me to leave the room.  I was told that he fainted whilst they conducted more tests on him in the room.  That’s about the last I saw him alive!

Dr Goh who was the ward doctor in charge at the time then contacted Dr Chin and was told to bring him back to the Lab immediately.  

No one in both our families knows about him going for this angiogram.  We didn’t think it was necessary to tell anyone as it was supposed to be a relatively low risk procedure.  I contacted my sister, Jaye and also Alex's brother, Simon, and our insurance agent, Allan to let them know that there are complications!

All of them came to the hospital to give me their support.  The 2nd procedure took a bit longer and when Dr Chin came out of the Lab, he told me that Alex had a 10% survival chance!  My head was spinning and I didn’t know what to make of this.  I asked him how did this happened?  What happened to this low risk procedure?  He reiterated that the 1% low risk doesn’t mean no risk and no one knows who falls into the risk group.



The doctor then asked me to be prepared for the worst!  Bloody hell – Alex was admitted to the hospital generally healthy except for the supposedly low risk procedure!  True, no one wanted this to happen. The doctor then got Alex connected to life support machines to help him with breathing and also for his heart to have a rest.  Looking at all the wires and tubes really tear my heart apart!  Looking back, I wished I didn’t agree to him having this angiogram!  We were so sure that nothing detrimental especially death, could have happened to him since he is generally healthy!  

We went ahead with this angiogram procedure as we were told that it is a low risk procedure (1% risk) and that based on the ECG report, breathlessness and tiredness that Alex had encountered, he will get admitted into any hospitals if he were to go any of the A&E.  He is at risk of getting a heart attack.  So rather than take a chance that he may get a heart attack, we thought it would be better for him to get this procedure done.  Also, he had a colleague who had this done and all went well.

By Wednesday evening, the Ward was swamped with family and friends!  I had support from both sides of our families.  I was glad that all of Alex's family managed to come to visit as I was worried that they may not be able to meet him for the very last time.  Being a Muslim, in the event that of death, burial is ideally within 24 hours.  Alex’s colleagues and 7-11 senior management were also at the hospital and some were at the mortuary and burial ground to pay their last respect.  


Despite my sadness at losing my soulmate, I am glad that Alex had touched many people in his life.  He was much loved by family, friends and colleagues!!

The Day My World Crumbled!

My world crumbled on Wednesday, 5 June 2013.  A relatively routine procedure (angiogram) turned fatal for my husband of almost 20 years!  My husband complained of chest pains possibly a couple of weeks prior to his demise on Friday, 7 June 2013.

I still can’t believe that a relatively routine procedure turned fatal.  Yes, the cardiologist did tell us that it is a low risk procedure with 1% risk.  1% risk means for every 100 patients, 99 of them will go through this procedure without any issues and 1 patient is expected to encounter some issues.  Why does it have to be him?  Why am I so unfortunate?  People tell me that it is fate.  Yes, everything can be considered fate.  Some say those whom God loves, die young!  Whichever way, I’ve lost my soul mate!  If only I can turn back clock!

I don’t think he has any idea that the lunch I had with him was the last lunch.  No one could!  If he knew, I doubt we would have gone ahead with the procedure at all as we were totally unprepared!  We had an early lunch possibly around 11:20 am thereabouts.  His last meal was the Indian Muslim food from the hospital!

About 2 hours after lunch, he complained of severe chest pains.  I called the nurse and then the nurse asked him to describe the level of pain on a scale of 1 – 10.  He said 10!  The nurse then asked me to leave the room and she got the doctors into the room.  That was about the last time I saw him alive!

In Loving Memory of the Love of My Life – Alex Tan

We’ve been happily married for almost two decades!  We’ve made plans for a cruise holiday to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary on board the Royal Caribbean Cruise ship on 11-12-13 – a date which happens only once in a lifetime.  The only reason for the delay in making this reservation is that we’ve not decided whether to book one or 2 rooms!

Yes, we do have our frustration with each other at times and we do have many happy moments together both as a couple and family.  We always remind each other we have to be healthy and strong for our son, Mikaail, who has multiple disabilities.  When the doctor told me that his liver, kidney and heart are failing, I told him to let go and promised him that I will take care of Mikaail.

For 20 years he had been the love of my life, my pillar of strength, support, confidante, shopping companion, fashion consultant, personal driver, doting father to Mikaail, and the list goes on!  In a sudden turn of events, I lost him!  How do I start to pick up the pieces?  Why am I so unfortunate?  I now have to do everything by myself!  Yes, I do have family support from both sides of the family plus great friends and colleagues including my boss but nothing like having him with me.

He spent a good part of his life working in a company he believes in and dedicated his life to - 7-11.  This obituary appeared in The Straits Times on Wednesday, 12 June 2013.

My Scoot Experience - Online Booking

I flew to Sydney on Saturday, 13 Jan 2013 on Scoot, the budget carrier from Singapore Airlines.  I had a bit of a problem booking online for my tickets though!  The seat map, selection of meals, luggage extras didn’t show up for me to select despite using 3 different browsers!  When I called their hotline, it is even worst!  They do not seem to have any staff manning their hotline number or if they do, they do not have enough manpower!

Then when I was lucky enough to get my call answered and after explaining the situation, the lady at the other end simply said she can assist but she will have to charge for the booking!  No point explaining to her!  She said she had checked on her end and she had no problem booking a flight!  The worst was when I emailed to their feedback email, they took about close to 6 weeks before responding!

Anyhow, after several attempts to book online, I finally managed to book my flights, selected my seats, meals and also booked extra luggage space!  Very trying, tiring and frustrating!

I’ve come to the conclusion that budget carriers are fine, if you have the use of all your limbs and vision!  Otherwise, you would need the full fare carriers.  You don’t want to be left stranded with no staff to assist you!

2013 Chinese New Year Dinner

Marie, my domestic helper for last 2 years had just renewed her contract for another 2 years!  Yippee!.  So another 20 months before I have to start maid hunting all over again!  Gosh, it’s really tough and also more expensive now than it was before to get a domestic helper!  Anyhow one of my favourite quotes: enjoy while it lasts!

After my mum passed away in September 2011 (it's more than 2 years!), I absolutely had no interest in any celebrations of any sort.  So the recent CNY was nothing special to me too!  Although I did plan for the CNY dinner, I just had no mood to cook.  So I opted for the next best dinner menu – steamboat with teppanyaki!

As always, I made sure it was easy to prepare so I got Marie to prepare the soup by stir frying the garlic, ginger and shallots then add the chicken bones and chicken wing corners. Marie just needed to wash the rest of the ingredients for the steamboat and teppanyaki.  She also cooked laksa fried rice and steamed scallops and prawns.

A Familiar Fragrance

Yesterday, both my husband and I suddenly had a sniff of a very pleasant familiar flower fragrance – something that my mum used to use!  I am a bit puzzled as there is no one else in the house other than my helper and my son and none of us use this fragrance!!  I jokingly told my husband that perhaps my mum is a bit bored in the other world!   It’s scary though and it does give me a bit of the hair raising experience!

If only there is someone who can really tell what happens in the world after!  Would my mum meet my dad and all the dearly departed souls?  If only …

What A Surprise!

I had a really pleasant surprise on Friday, 8 February 2013 when my boss, Mr Jordi Martin, made a wonderful recognition speech at the company’s CS Success Presentation.  He did a quick survey around the Singapore office and found that we are about the longest serving Manager-PA relation who had worked together for the past 11 years in Singapore!  He said he remembered arriving in Singapore with his family on 2 February 2002 and that he left his security and support in the Sydney office.  He has never met me before and was told that I am fantastic!.  He said, “we have a fantastic working relationship together and anything that had resulted in him being successful and the business successful, a lot is contributed by Normah and the incredible effort that she had put forward.”  WOW!  I am super touched!

Earlier in the day, I told Jordi that I’m really excited that I will be getting my new laptop!  Then when I went to IT department to collect my brand new Dell 3360 Volstro, the IT procurement manager did not want to provide me with a new mouse!  She said I should have been comfortable with my existing mouse.  My old laptop will be reassigned to another user and this user will take the new mouse instead!  I cant see the logic!  Anyway while I was working on an email with him, I told him that I am so pissed about not getting the new mouse!

In Jordi’s appreciation speech he told the group about me getting excited about my new laptop and taking delivery of it and how I grumbled in his ears about not getting the new mouse!  It was really funny when he presented me with a new Microsoft Wireless Mouse which, according to him, can work on glass!  It was really so funny!!!



Then on top of all this, he also gave me a large bouquet of flowers!  I’m so happy!  That’s why I’ve always said to my outside office friends that when you work with an understanding boss who really appreciates your efforts, you should stay.  The grass is not always greener on the other side!

Mum's Passing Away

How time flies! My mum had departed from this world more than a year already and I feel like it was just so recent!  In fact it was in 2011 that she passed on.  The date & event still fresh in my mind and there are many times when I wished she is still alive!

On Monday 26 Sept 11 she called me in the office to say she wanted to go to the hospital.  I rushed home & upon reaching home, I called the ambulance.  In order for the SCDF ambulance to pick her, she would be sent to Khoo Teck Puat Hospital since this hospital is the closest to my home.  So I had to arrange for a private ambulance to pick her and they can send her to Tan Tock Seng Hospital since she all her treatment had been with Tan Tock Seng Hospital. 

When I got home I noticed that she looked rather weak & she also complained of difficulty breathing.  I told her that the ambulance is on it's way & that she will be alright. That was about the last time we spoke!

After the A&E formalities, she was wheeled into the ward. Then her regular doctor came - don't know his name but my sister recognised him as my mum regular doctor. Usually when I visit my mum during her hospital stays, it is during visiting hours & doctors generally do not see patients during visiting hours.  I feel this is to minimise their stress from attending to queries from patients' families!!

Anyhow, this doctor showed us the x-rays taken after my mum was discharged earlier in September and of x-rays taken at A&E upon admission. He said that looking at these x-rays & my mum's current condition, it will be difficult for her to sustain.  She would have to go through several other operations to insert tubes to remove the fluid in her lung. This will of course be painful for her and she had previously said that she would not want to go through the pain over and over again. No one can tell how many times she would need to go through the process.

So taking into account the pain my mum went through over the past months especially the most recent months when she groaned in pain in the middle of the night, her inability to eat, the little fluid she's allowed to drink plus of course this doctor's suggestion, we decided to let her go on condition that the hospital is able to not let her feel any pain so it will be peaceful departure for her. All of this happened on Monday evening.

Looking back the whole process was a bit flawed! Who wouldn't be dead if there's absolutely no treatment other than being administered with calming medication when the person is seriously ill!! That's what my mum was given from the day she was admitted right up to when she left this world!

Then on day 3 also the final day, another doctor came to see mum & my brother was there. The doctor told him to the effect that if treatment was given she could have lived but now it's too late! I could have punched my mum regular doctor! He gave us the notion that it was beyond hope and now this guy seems to think that it is possible! Idiots!!

My mum left me that day on Wednesday, 28 September around 1:30 pm though her last breath was a bit earlier but a doctor need to come and certify that she is gone so this takes a bit more time!

A couple of weeks after mum left, I had a dream. Mum was walking towards my home in a pink coloured dress. She looked happy but she couldn't come into my home as my immediate neighbour had lots of unwanted stuff stacked up along the corridor and was blocking her way.  She saw me and we both looked at each other and she smiled. Thinking back does this mean that mum is ok that she left this world? 

Personally if I could turn back time, I would have insisted that the doctor should cure her first with the least painful option. Then at least maybe mum can really say her peace! Her jewelleries, not that there are tonnes, could be distributed to whoever she wants rather than fall into someone else hands out of convenience!

Life

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air.  They are Work, Family, Health, Friends and Spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that Work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls ie Family, Health, Friends and Spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for it.

Work efficiently during office hours and leave on time. Give the required time to your family, friends and have proper rest.

Value has a value only if its value is valued.

My Big Regret - My Mum's Passing Away

More than 6 months have passed since my mum passed on.  Yet, I am still full of regrets!  I felt that if I had asked my mum what she prefersabd when I brought her to the hospital, perhaps would be better.  My mum was in pain, for sure otherwise she would not have called me in the office as she had never once called me or ask any of my previous maids to do so.  Also, she was willing to go to the hospital!

I was the one who brought her to the hospital.  I booked a private ambulance to drive her to Tan Tock Seng Hospital otherwise the ambulance will just drive my mum to the nearest hospital ie Khoo Teck Puat Hospital since she is staying in my home.  That was about the last that I spoke with my mum.  I suppose I didn't expect that was the last time I saw her alive or be able to speak with her.  I was in the A&E ward for a couple of hours as there were some tests and x-rays the hospital need to do upon admission. 

Anyhow, soon after her admission to the ward, the attending doctor told my sister, my husband and I the seriousness of my mum’s condition.  He showed us my mum’s X-rays taken upon her discharge earlier in September and also upon her admission at the A&E.  Her lungs were full of fluid and to extract the fluid, there would be some tube inserted into her and this she had said before was very painful.

The doctor went on to explain the process of how much pain my mum would have to go through if we want to try and save her.  Inevitably we will be trying to prolong her life and putting her through lots more pain! 

Yes, we all wanted to relieve her of her pain but I felt that if she was given a chance to decide, then she would have known who is the right person to take over the ownership of her house as well as her CPF monies.  At least whoever took the ownership of her house and her monies got them with her blessings!  Right now, I doubt it!

Up until now, I am unable to let go.  I still feel the lump in my throat that I should have taken the chance to speak with my mum on her wishes.  I never did.  I guess I didn't think that she will leave this world so soon!  I feel really guilty that I did what I did.  Sometimes when there is a heavy downpour, I feel worst as I just feels like my mum will be struggling under the tonnes of soil plus the tiles.

2012 Chinese New Year Dinner

Initially I was not too keen on preparing anything special for dinner especially after my mum passed away last September.  This is the first year that CNY is exceptionally quiet!  I've given up visiting anyone during the CNY eversince Mikaail had stroke and eventually lost his vision!

Anyhow, we still need to eat dinner and so I thought life has to go on and perhaps just cook something a bit different from the normal canned/prepacked stuff.

We subsequently had dinner with 3 of my sisters the following week:

Getting ready for yusheng to bring in the
fortune and good luck for the family

Tucking into sumptuous dinner - home cooked!

R & R after dinner

Mum

It's more than 6 months now since my mum left me on 28 September 2011 yet I still feel like she is just away from my home to either my brother's home or her own home in Toa Payoh.  I want to remember my mum this way!

There are instances when I could sniff the "kemiyan" smell.  Just the other day I asked one of my sisters whether my mum could just visit her own family anytime or at specific times. She told me that though she is not an expert in this field, the smell of such are due to the "invisible" passing by.  These can be in any form ie shapes, smell or may even resemble people we know.

She only know that when a person is dead, all is gone except:

1. children who are pious who will pray for the deceased
2. the deceased good deeds such as donation
3. religious learnings

So it is encouraged that the children pray and offer special prayers for the deceased as whatever the children do will have impact on the deceased.

Also another thing that I heard was sending my mum's soul to perform the "haj".  I am unsure about this bit as it's practically paying for someone to perform the haj on my mum's behalf!  Need to get more information on this though between another of my sister, we already started the account..

Is there a correct time to drink water?

This is really interesting.  Generally I drink about 2 - 3 liters of water a day, especially when I am at work and I usually drink warm/hot water.  The only time I drink cold water is when I have my daily dose of caffeine in my iced coffee!

So when I received an email from a friend about the Correct Time to Drink Water, I thought it rather interesting.  I knew I need water to flush the toxins out of my body, but this was news to me.

Drinking water at certain time maximizes it's effectiveness on the body:

2 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs
1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion
1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure
1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack

Rectifying Motorola Atrix 3G Connection

My husband recently told me that he was unable to access internet on his mobile phone.  I called Starhub to request for their assistance and was attended by 4 different technical specialists over a couple of days but none was able to rectify the problem.  Anyhow, one of them told me to remove the SIM card and insert it into another phone to isolate the problem ie check if its a handset issue or the line issue. After I did this, I was able to access internet on my other handset.  So it is now confirmed that it is a handset issue.

When I spoke with the operator from Motorola, she told me to:

1. Settings
2. Data Manager
1. Data delivery
2. Check that Data Enabled is ticked
3. Exit

I tried connecting internet using 3G and WiFi.    WiFi works fine but not the 3G.  So again, I called Motorola and another of their operators told me to try the following:

1. Settings
2. Wireless & Networks
3. Mobile Network
4. Access Point Name
1. Click on the menu button (the icon with 4 tiny squares on the bottom left hand corner)
5. Exit

She also told me that sometimes after upgrading of the phone software, this problem might occur as she had attended to some other users!