Missing You Always

I took leave today as Mariah has 2 medical appointments.  It’s so stressful staying home alone with Mikaail!  The worst is that he dont even know what he wants!!  Urgh!!!!!

When my mum passed away 2 years ago, I had you to comfort me.  Then when Kak Ani passed on, you were around to comfort me too. When a relative or a friend passed on it is never the same as losing the person who had shared all of my adult life.  Most of my happy memories of my adult life are with you.  I’ve lost the one person who was there making all those memories with me and the one person who I can share that smile with when a shared memory pops up.  

…and not only have I lost being able to share memories with you, I’ve lost you from all my new memories.  There are no more happy memories when there should be.  It is very easy to dismiss death as something that happens to everyone when you haven’t had the love of your life die about 40 years too soon.

No matter which angle I look at you've left a huge emptiness in my life!  My whole world gone topsy-turvy.  At times I am so angry that you left me without a warning!  Then when I think about it, I know your departure was not by choice! 

Love you always!

My Lonely Life

Hey Darling

Mikaail had fits very early this morning and another 2 more times during the course of the day.  Like me, he misses you very much too!  Seems like he was asking for you and after explaining to him and he said you are in his heart, the fit hit him!

Last evening my ex classmate was shocked to hear of your passing!  Gosh it's almost 5 months in about 2 weeks and I still cant talk about you without crying!  I'm still very sad and I'm always hoping to meet you in my dreams.

Luv ya always

Loving You Always

Hey Darling

I'm so lonely now that you're gone!  Also so much has happened since.

Mikaail is always telling me that "Da-da no more!"  Sometimes he will say "Da-da finished"  I will remind him that you are in our hearts and that you have us in yours!  Did you ever come back here? Part of me always hope that you will.

The other day I was searching for articles relating to talking to the dearly departed souls.  I came across this:

I'm very tempted to have a go at this but I'm worried that you might not like it. May seem like I'm hunting you down.

Then a colleague told me of a similar thing except that this is like I'm getting into a pyramid shaped building.  I'm trying to visualise it then I will draw and upload the picture.

Love you much!

Darling

You've absolutely no idea how I'm trying to stay positive everyday!  Really tough.  I still hope that you will continually come and visit me in my dreams and we can have our chats like before.  How I miss all those times!

Also Mikaail missed you too and you know he cant express himself so it is much tougher for him!  He's been having his fits daily and today he had 6 times!  I guess he must be thinking of you too.

I hope you can see what I have organised for you and hope you will like it as much as I do.

Luv you always!!

Getting to Lim Chu Kang Muslim Cemetery

Darling

Yesterday, I boarded the MRT to Choa Chu Kang and then transferred to SBS 975 to the Lim Chu Kang Muslim Cemetery.  Service 975 is a loop service but to get to the cemetery, board the bus from the bus stop opposite Lot 1 Shopping Mall.

Alighted at the 2nd bus stop after the bus turned right on to the cemetery area.  On certain religious days, there is another service 405 which will stop just next to the entrance of the Chinese and Muslim cemeteries.

It's a really long walk to your location from the bus stop as shown above.  Just need to remember to bring along at least a bottle of drinking water, fan, umbrella and also deodorant!  Gosh despite it being a cool weather after it rained earlier, I perspired quite a bit from the walking!

Miss you much!

Loving You Always

Darling

It's been more than 4 months since you've departed and yet I still feel like I needed your embrace!  It's like when are you going to come home!!

Eh, darling, I guess you got a much easier life than me!  It's so unfair you know!  I supposed you've been a great person so that's why you had an easy and early death.  So many people of different race and religion told me so.

No matter what, I still feel like: How could you leave me in the lurch??  Yes, it was not by choice that you left but still I'm all alone regardless of whatever the reason!  I still miss you much and I really need you back.  Are you ever going to meet me?

Nowadays I've decided to just juice my dinner ie I'll have either vegetables or fruits.  I bought this Hurom slow juicer previously and have been juicing my vegetables (broccoli, kale, celery + green apples/green grapes).  This is also good for Mikaail as he hardly can chew his vegetables!

Love you much!

Today on 7 Oct 2013

Darling

Daily morning stress for me!  A super packed MRT this morning and there was longer than usual queue at the platform.  And, I am at the platform at the regular time!/

Mikaail this morning said "Da Da no more" several times.  Poor him - didnt know how to mourn for you.  If he's able to maybe it might be easier.  Not that it's easy for me!  You've been such a big part in our lives and with you gone so suddenly ...

I've told Mariah to refrain from stopping him to say "Da Da no more" as this could be his way of mourning for you.  Instead I told her to explain to him that while you have gone to Heaven, you are looking at us from above.  So he must continue to be a good boy like you've known him.  I've also told him that he must always have you in his heart.

No matter what I missed you much!  Life for me now is super empty other than work which somehow gives me a different focus!

Love you much!

Saturday, 5 October

Eh darling - I am so happy this morning!  I dreamt of your last night!!!  At last!!  Thank you!!

You really looked good and did you remember you smiled at me?  For some strange reasons, I dont know why I am sitting at the back of a pick-up.  Perhaps to pick you?  Ha ha ha

Anyway, after you sat next to me in the pick up, I told you that I missed you much.  You smiled and then you hugged me.  I woke up instantly!  Oh how I wished I didnt wake up so maybe I could chat with you for a bit!

I am so happy that I finally dreamed of you.  I told quite a few people too.  Jaye said probably both of us are pretty much settled so that's why.  No, no, no.  I am not quite settled but I really missed you so much!  I really needed your hugs!

I went to Singtel earlier to renew my mobile contract and I got myself Samsung Galaxy Note 3.  Unfortunately after changing my phone, I decided I wont use it yet as I need to change my SIM card to the smaller version, buy the casing and also the privacy screen!  I decided not to buy the micro SIM from Singtel as they charged $35.

Love you much, as always!

Today on Thursday, 3 Oct

Darling

What would you have wanted me to do with all of your belongings?  How I wished we had talked about this even in jest!  Now I'm really unsure!  Hate the thought that I might do the wrong thing!!  At the moment I am leaving every of your belongings status quo!

Last evening, Wed, 2 Oct, one of the directors told me that she was told not to talk to me about your passing away.  I know they are concern but I think she shouldn't tell others not to talk about this.  I really felt like they don't care!  Why can't they approach me and console me?  Perhaps unless she had experienced death of a loved one, she will not know the feeling.  Anyway. whatever the case, don't preach to others.

In fact the other day when I found out that a colleague's father passed away, I sent her a condolence note.  Then another of my colleagues said she didnt know if she should approach this other colleague and offer her condolence.  I told her it should be ok to speak with the colleague who had just lost her dad.  I think sometimes people should ask themselves what if it was them who had lost their loved one?  Would they be sad that people just pretended nothing happened?

Taking the MRT daily is a really stressful experience!  Every trip is full of passengers plus some are so disgustingly smelly even in the morning!  Not sure whether breathing through my mouth is better than nose!!  Also, lately the MRT either moves slower, delayed at the station or there will be an announcement about the train ahead is delayed!

All the comfort in my life is gone and really nothing else for me to look forward to!

Luv ya always !!

In loving memory of my darling husband

Alex Tan

Although you've gone to Heaven
on Friday, 7 June 2013
you are still in our hearts.
As each day passes, we remember you
as always being a loving and caring
"Da Da" to Mikaail &
a loving and caring husband to me.

In life I've loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
that nobody will ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you
but you didn’t go alone.
For part of me went with you
the day Allah took you home.

I miss you and your beautiful smile
and you should know you're worth my while.
I know that someday we will meet again
but only Allah knows when.

Even while I sleep, you are always in my heart.
Please wait for me with open arms.
I long for your touch, your embrace,
your kiss and to hear you say that
you love and miss me.

I'll always love you and
miss you terribly too.
You will be in our hearts forever.
Until we meet again.

With affection & kisses
Nor & Mikaail