Day 194 on 19 December: Living Without My Darling Husband

You remember Annie from the serviced office I worked in years ago?  I met up with her over lunch today.  She was so shocked at hearing of your demise.  Can't understand how this happened as well.

Now in the midst of packing for the move to Toa Payoh this weekend!  Marie has been really helpful and she did most of the packing.  I cant bear to hold your things - too much sorrow for me!  It's 194 days today and I am missing your company!  Honestly, I cant imagine if I'm not working, I'll probably go nuts!

Mikaail is also missing you badly and it's also affecting Mariah.  She gets really frustrated with him and I had to explain to her to be a bit more patient with him.  On top of this, Marie is also not giving her the full support!  At times it is so stressful for me both at home and in office!  Gosh, I feel like I want to run away from everything and everyone but then I don't want to be unfair to Mikaail.  He's already missing you and I cant let him miss me too!  I'm just too stressed out!

Day 190 on 14 Dec: Living without My Darling Husband

190 days flew by so quickly!  You are still so fresh in our minds so much so that Mikaail is now asking if you are busy!  I, while I know you are gone forever, still hope to have you back with us.  Silly but we really missed you so much!  There are no more happy memories to look forward to!

Just a couple of days ago, an uncle of mine, was admitted in TTSH for 2 ballooning on 30 November and was discharged on 3 December!  How much older is he?  Lots!  So I still cant accept that the procedure you went for which was relatively common caused you, your life!

Do you know how envious I became whenever I see couples holding hands lovingly?  Reminded me of us!  We usually held hands while we walked home after work even from the carpark!  Now, I always walk by myself from the MRT!  Occasionally I still do shed tears while in the MRT!  Sometimes a thought came into my mind then it triggered the sadness.  When I talked about you, I still shed tears and I will quickly compose myself.  I just have to be more aware of how I should control my emotions better.  

Our weekends nowadays are so depressing!  Today Mikaail had fits twice!  He said he wanted to listen to the music.  You know how he would wave his hand in the air?  Now he didnt.  He is pretty much in a world of his own!  

So many things to pack and lots to remind me of you.  Not that I will ever forget you as we've been married for close to 20 years!  

While clearing up the place today to prepare for the move next weekend, I came across this photo

Day 187 on 11 Dec 2013: Living Without My Darling Husband

Today was supposed to be our 20th wedding anniversary and we should have celebrated on the Royal Carribbean Cruise Ship!  All our anniversary plans were shattered!  I had initially thought of taking Mikaail for the cruise anyway but had so much hesitation that I decided against it.  Too much for me to handle your demise!  Though I didnt want to deprive Mikaail of a holiday but good is a holiday when I'm struggling to come to terms with your demise.

For the moment, until we move on Saturday 21 December, my plan was to stay over in TP on Wed and Thu nights then be back in our home on Friday evening so I will have time to pack the stuff to be brought over to TP.  Then the last Friday, 20 December I'll have to be in our home on my own as the movers are coming at 7 am on Saturday!  Gosh never stayed home alone before!

Day 186 on 10 Dec 13: Living Without My Darling Husband

Very concerned with Mikaail's emotional state.  Even when we bring him out he is still in a world of his own!  He is much quieter now and when he speaks, it's very soft - so difficult to hear him!

Smooth ride in the mrt this morning and I arrived at Rafflles Place just under 40 minutes.  Also I got the free ride.  Never did I think I will ever benefit from this free ride since you have always driven me to work all the time!  In the MRT this morning, there was free entertainment in the MRT, compliments of an old man playing his harmonica beautifully.  Just as I was enjoying his music, he got off at City Hall station.

Oh ya - do you ever think there will ever be a riot in Singapore now?  I didn't.  Well, it happened last Sunday though!

I'm getting close to moving to TP and have informed Cindy and Diana plus my siblings - all via sms!  They have all been supportive.  Anyway, after living so long with you by my side, it's really tough for me to move on and pick up the pieces.

Day 185 on 9 Dec: Living Without My Darling Husband

Mikaail really has no clue that you are never coming back!  He don't understand the meaning of death at all.  Today he asked to be near you like in normal days.  Now it is in a different situation and I really don't know how to help him!  I've asked Rose for help previously and have just sent her a reminder to ask Shahid to say some prayers for him.

So you see, we both were in a way, shortchanged!  We are definitely unprepared for you to leave this world so soon!

What have you been doing there?  Is there life there?  I'm curious and at the same time I am worried about experimenting getting in touch with you!  Maybe you can get in touch with me - of course I was referring to you coming in my dreams!  It's 185 days to be exact from the time you left both of us!  I have yet to get around to clear your wardrobe as I will be moving this over to TP.  I cant even bear to open your wardrobe!  Too much of a heartache!!

Busy day at work today, as always!

Oh, btw, the charity bake we had earlier this month, raised a total of S$5,026 and all the bakers including me (!), donated the cost of ingredients for this effort. Then I understand that a total of US$30K was raised and given to Philippines to help the Haiyan victims.

Day 184 on 8 Dec 13: Living without My Darling Husband

So much to do today!  With the movers coming in about 2 weeks time, I felt so overwhelmed having to clear the place!  Worst, so much memories of us packing the stuff together when we renovated our home 2 years ago and now, it is just me!  OMG!!!   Why, oh why???  How could a 1% risk procedure claimed your life???  You were supposed to get better from the procedure and not dead!  Honestly I still feel that as there were 6 - 8 persons attending to you in the lab, someone may have been complacent.  Perhaps didnt follow the process and made a serious blunder!  Cant help thinking about this!!

Also, I cant bear to shift your things!  I dont know what I should do with them!!  Oh how I wished we had talked about all these!  Too much sadness just to open your wardrobe!.  It's worst now as I must clear them so the movers can transfer all the contents.

Early this morning Mikaail wet the bed 2 times and then again in the afternoon!!  I was so furious with him and scolded him.  He said he was sorry.  I asked him why he didnt wake me and he said he forgot!  I guess it is unlikely that he forgot.  I think it is likely he didnt even realise that he needed to pee.  I'm sure it was unintentional but then again I feel that I need to let him know not to just pee without telling!

He is losing weight recently as he ate very little.  Although he says "da da no more", I am sure he doesn't really understand the meaning of death.  He seems to be in a world of his own and sometimes he stares blankly.  Unlike me, he didnt even cry and may not even know how to mourn for you!

I  still see you in my mind's eyes - your smile, I yearned for your touch and the warmth of your body!  Now there is just coldness.  I'm feeling really sad.