Was super tired when I got up this morning! Last night I had a dream that we were both running away from don't know where. Seems like it was an endless run to some unknown place and from some unknown location too!
Last evening I baked banana chocolate chip muffins for sampling in office as my office is raising funds for the Philippines typhoon victims. Can't help thinking of how you always encourage me with your very positive feedback.
My colleagues liked the muffins and I'm happy with their feedback too though I had to disappoint some of them. I didnt bring enough for all to sample!
Busy day in office too! My boss finally got his new toys and the telco screwed up on the SIM cards. A 5 min activation job by the Telco took forever! Then to make matters worst, they sent the wrong type of SIM card. OMG! I went over to the telco shop to get the change done. Luckily there's one near my office. After getting the replacement sorted, I walked over to MBFC to pass the new toys to him. As always, managed to get everything in order but it's not without a lot of stress! Phew!!
Going to bake again tonight!!
Bought marshmallows to add into the muffins but changed my mind. The marshmallows became really sticky when I cut them into smaller pieces. I added mashed banana and slivered almonds instead. Also, I got a tip from a colleague who told me that she heard from a known chef to first toast whatever nuts to be used in baking. Toasting the nuts before adding into the cakes, give the nuts a crispy bite!
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
166 Days of Living Without My Darling Husband Alex Tan
It rained this morning. Haven't slept well nowadays. I'll fall asleep between 10 and 11 pm then awake around 3 am before I have to get up a 5am! So much on my mind: work, home, Mikaail, Mariah and Marie. With you gone, there's absolutely no other who will understand my thoughts.
On the work front, changes are plentiful. There's going to be another move ie one level down. Still in planning stage though so I'm going to be super busy with the move again real soon. Also with the changes in the management .. some job responsibilities are conveniently transferred to yours truly. I'm supposed to review this though but have not had the chance to really give it enough thought Just so much to do. Urgh!!!!!
On the home front - Mariah is very keen for us to stay over. It's easier for me really since the mrt journey is halved. Regardless of where we stay Mikaail still needs a taxi to send him to school. So there is no difference as far as transportation is concerned. My concern really is both the adults do not see eye to eye after all these years! With you out of the picture, it does get a bit overbearing sometimes. Marie do test Mariah's patience too! Much as I hate to intervene I've got no choice. It is so annoying especially in the morning plus I dislike Mikaail having to listen and feel all the negative vibes
On the work front, changes are plentiful. There's going to be another move ie one level down. Still in planning stage though so I'm going to be super busy with the move again real soon. Also with the changes in the management .. some job responsibilities are conveniently transferred to yours truly. I'm supposed to review this though but have not had the chance to really give it enough thought Just so much to do. Urgh!!!!!
On the home front - Mariah is very keen for us to stay over. It's easier for me really since the mrt journey is halved. Regardless of where we stay Mikaail still needs a taxi to send him to school. So there is no difference as far as transportation is concerned. My concern really is both the adults do not see eye to eye after all these years! With you out of the picture, it does get a bit overbearing sometimes. Marie do test Mariah's patience too! Much as I hate to intervene I've got no choice. It is so annoying especially in the morning plus I dislike Mikaail having to listen and feel all the negative vibes
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Day 162: Living Without You
You know what? The other day a colleague asked me how do I call you. I told her usually it's darling and sometimes "Eh". Ha Ha Ha. Then there's a friend who asked me how did I write to you.
We stayed over in TP since Thursday evening and will leave for home tomorrow morning. Mariah won the AWWA 2013 Model Caregiver award and the award presentation was this morning at Hyflux Innovation Centre which is much closer from TP then our home. This event was officiated by Dr Amy Khor.
Also Mikaail had fits 6 times during the course of today including when we were at Hyflux. Nowadays he speaks little, almost inaudible and sleeps more too. Lost interest I supposed with you no longer in our lives
Sometimes I think I can handle talking about you but I realised I am not up to it yet. I can control my emotion for a bit before I start to break down. Also I have yet to focus on the 3 steps to speaking to you. Luckily I am
Next Monday I intend to pay you a visit. I bought something really cute for you. I am sure you will like it.
Oh ya, there was this super Typhoon Haiyan which hit Philippines earlier this month. A lot of people died, unfortunately. Lots of countries have sent in donations including relief supplies. My office is organising a charity drive, recruiting aspiring bakers and of course yours truly registered for this charity drive. I intend to bake chocolate chip muffin or banana muffin with my latest acquired kitchen gadget to raise funds. It'll be freshly baked as I intend to bake it on demand.
Oh ya, there was this super Typhoon Haiyan which hit Philippines earlier this month. A lot of people died, unfortunately. Lots of countries have sent in donations including relief supplies. My office is organising a charity drive, recruiting aspiring bakers and of course yours truly registered for this charity drive. I intend to bake chocolate chip muffin or banana muffin with my latest acquired kitchen gadget to raise funds. It'll be freshly baked as I intend to bake it on demand.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
159 Days of Living Without You
Just finished a-2-full day meeting at the Park Hotel Clarke Quay today. So busy! I had to book taxi to get me to the hotel and back unlike those days when you send and pick me. Then you usually helped me to transport the equipment back to office! Now I have to make another trip to the hotel to pick these up! Though it's all work, you were always there for me!
I hope you are doing fine wherever you are. Feels as if you are in another world! Did you meet both our parents and our little darling angel? Do you miss us? How was it that you had to leave us so soon! What happened to all the promises of living together into our silver years! I really feel so short changed! I hope you can see all these and I dont know how or if you could see! Gone are all my happy memories!
Mikaail misses you very much too! He is extremely quiet and refuse to talk much. If he does say something, it will be very soft and almost impossible to hear what he said! It gets a bit frustrating sometimes. Then he kept bending his body and will tell himself to sit up or he will ask to for help to help him sit up. Gone are the days when he wants to listen to Hi-5 or Barney. He is not keen with the weekend sing-along too! When we go out, he will cover his ears and sometimes his face as the sounds may be too loud for him! I don't know how else to help him understand your demise and let him mourn for you! I am still struggling with this.
I really hate the weekends! It really is very taxing emotionally and physically. Just imagine when you were around. I could share everything and now ...
I've got friends who said I am strong and brave! What should I do? I cant possibly kill myself without taking Mikaail with me! Do I have much of a choice to carry on living without you, right?
Luv us always!
I hope you are doing fine wherever you are. Feels as if you are in another world! Did you meet both our parents and our little darling angel? Do you miss us? How was it that you had to leave us so soon! What happened to all the promises of living together into our silver years! I really feel so short changed! I hope you can see all these and I dont know how or if you could see! Gone are all my happy memories!
Mikaail misses you very much too! He is extremely quiet and refuse to talk much. If he does say something, it will be very soft and almost impossible to hear what he said! It gets a bit frustrating sometimes. Then he kept bending his body and will tell himself to sit up or he will ask to for help to help him sit up. Gone are the days when he wants to listen to Hi-5 or Barney. He is not keen with the weekend sing-along too! When we go out, he will cover his ears and sometimes his face as the sounds may be too loud for him! I don't know how else to help him understand your demise and let him mourn for you! I am still struggling with this.
I really hate the weekends! It really is very taxing emotionally and physically. Just imagine when you were around. I could share everything and now ...
I've got friends who said I am strong and brave! What should I do? I cant possibly kill myself without taking Mikaail with me! Do I have much of a choice to carry on living without you, right?
Luv us always!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
154 Days of Living Without You
It's the parent-teacher meet today but actually I was rather reluctant to go. I was afraid that Mikaail's teacher and/or his therapists might sympathise with me over your demise. I know lots of people care for us but I am still not ready to let go. Inside of me, I am still longing for your!!
Anyway, I took time off to go to the school as I've practically used up all of my 2012 and 2013 annual leave entitlement in June when your low risk procedure got all screwed up!
Nowadays I travel mainly by mrt and bus. Worst case I'll have to get a taxi. You know how costly this is but what choice do I have? For the teacher-parent meeting, I took the mrt to Yishun then boarded service 39. The queue was rather long at the bus interchange and there were about 10 passengers ahead of me who didnt want to board the bus! I had to come out of the queue to board the bus and ended standing for quite a bit of the journey! No wonder they didnt want to board the bus! There were several stretches of non-stop route to the school!
This is the year-end teacher-parent meet and it does not include the therapists. Mikaail's teacher did a really nice scrapbook for him.
Also told the teacher my concern as Mikaail is now exceptionally quiet and he always say "Da da no more" I always remind him that you are always in our hearts and you will always look over us. He is also not eating well and gets fits at least once a day. How much more does the fits affect his brain!
Apparently his teacher did arrange for a child psychologist to see him but this lady saw him twice then no further follow up as she said she was busy! I told the teacher that there seems to be a disconnect. Is paperwork more important that attending to a child who had lost his beloved parent>> His teacher said will follow up with the head of the department though it is unlikely to happen since school holidays start next Thursday, 14 Nov.
Busy day back in the office too! Luckily the weather wasnt too hot as I had to board any bus to pasir ris MRT then to office!
Anyway, I took time off to go to the school as I've practically used up all of my 2012 and 2013 annual leave entitlement in June when your low risk procedure got all screwed up!
Nowadays I travel mainly by mrt and bus. Worst case I'll have to get a taxi. You know how costly this is but what choice do I have? For the teacher-parent meeting, I took the mrt to Yishun then boarded service 39. The queue was rather long at the bus interchange and there were about 10 passengers ahead of me who didnt want to board the bus! I had to come out of the queue to board the bus and ended standing for quite a bit of the journey! No wonder they didnt want to board the bus! There were several stretches of non-stop route to the school!
This is the year-end teacher-parent meet and it does not include the therapists. Mikaail's teacher did a really nice scrapbook for him.
Also told the teacher my concern as Mikaail is now exceptionally quiet and he always say "Da da no more" I always remind him that you are always in our hearts and you will always look over us. He is also not eating well and gets fits at least once a day. How much more does the fits affect his brain!
Apparently his teacher did arrange for a child psychologist to see him but this lady saw him twice then no further follow up as she said she was busy! I told the teacher that there seems to be a disconnect. Is paperwork more important that attending to a child who had lost his beloved parent>> His teacher said will follow up with the head of the department though it is unlikely to happen since school holidays start next Thursday, 14 Nov.
Busy day back in the office too! Luckily the weather wasnt too hot as I had to board any bus to pasir ris MRT then to office!
Monday, November 4, 2013
Day 152: Sharing My Thoughts on 4 November 2013
Gosh it's almost 5 months of living without you! How have you been? Both Mikaail and I are missing you terribly! Do you miss us too? How I wish I know what is happening in your world!
The other day when I told my colleague about the 3 steps to take to speak to the dearly departed, she said her aunt was also interested to do it if I get to speak with you! Then another colleague gave me another method to speak with you. I am keen and at the same time quite scared. You know I am not the bravest person in this world, right. Eh darling, though I hope to be able to speak with you again, please just appear in my dreams ok :)
Did you remember the day I dreamed of you? In my dreams, I was at the back of a pick up when I spotted you. Don't ask me why as I have no idea why a pick up! Anyway, I remembered your smile and the hug you gave me when I told you I missed you much! It was the weekend before I went to your new site! The kakak (contractor) said it's probably because they may have moved the soil when constructing the tombstone. I had asked her if she could help me to take photos of the step-by-step but she said it's usually done in the night and so far no one has ever done this! By now I hope you would have seen the tombstone that was erected. Hope you like it.
Your stuff are still pretty much in the same way you left them and I just cant bear to do anything with them yet. I'm not sure if I ever will. I just feel that my life now is so aimless. I dont feel the motivation to continue living if not for Mikaail! I cant leave him in Mariah's care too as that would unfair to her. Then again, is life fair? Some of my friends say that I am strong. Do I have a choice? I need to be strong as I still need to work. I am now the sole breadwinner! Wow! Sounds really heavy task you know! REALLY hate it that everything I do or plan to do, I do it solo!
I've not gone for the internet courses that I've signed up for nor have I gone for the get-together meetings with the team! I just couldnt find the drive to continue. If its not for work, I'll probably go bonkers!
Sometimes I ask myself what if it is the other way around. You would have a lot more to manage other than just the emotion bit. Would you have missed me as much as I've missed you? You know after your demise, I've lost the only true soul mate I have in my life!
The other day when I told my colleague about the 3 steps to take to speak to the dearly departed, she said her aunt was also interested to do it if I get to speak with you! Then another colleague gave me another method to speak with you. I am keen and at the same time quite scared. You know I am not the bravest person in this world, right. Eh darling, though I hope to be able to speak with you again, please just appear in my dreams ok :)
Did you remember the day I dreamed of you? In my dreams, I was at the back of a pick up when I spotted you. Don't ask me why as I have no idea why a pick up! Anyway, I remembered your smile and the hug you gave me when I told you I missed you much! It was the weekend before I went to your new site! The kakak (contractor) said it's probably because they may have moved the soil when constructing the tombstone. I had asked her if she could help me to take photos of the step-by-step but she said it's usually done in the night and so far no one has ever done this! By now I hope you would have seen the tombstone that was erected. Hope you like it.
Your stuff are still pretty much in the same way you left them and I just cant bear to do anything with them yet. I'm not sure if I ever will. I just feel that my life now is so aimless. I dont feel the motivation to continue living if not for Mikaail! I cant leave him in Mariah's care too as that would unfair to her. Then again, is life fair? Some of my friends say that I am strong. Do I have a choice? I need to be strong as I still need to work. I am now the sole breadwinner! Wow! Sounds really heavy task you know! REALLY hate it that everything I do or plan to do, I do it solo!
I've not gone for the internet courses that I've signed up for nor have I gone for the get-together meetings with the team! I just couldnt find the drive to continue. If its not for work, I'll probably go bonkers!
Sometimes I ask myself what if it is the other way around. You would have a lot more to manage other than just the emotion bit. Would you have missed me as much as I've missed you? You know after your demise, I've lost the only true soul mate I have in my life!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Living 148 days without My Darling Husband
A busy day today! Took leave to bring Mikaail to NUH for his medical appointments.
Mikaail fits is a bit different now though he do get it daily. His face is flushed just before he gets the attack and then return to normal as soon as he gets the fits. Usually when he gets his fits, we will tell him to relax. Told his regular neurologist about this and instead of advising me, he asked me what I want to do! I told him that since he is the doctor, he should advise me instead! Then he told me that there are several other medications which he could prescribe but these again has its own list of risks!
One of the risk factors in one of the possible alternative medication is behavioral change and/or suicidal. Can you imagine how ridiculous this is??
Then we went for Mikaail's next appointment with the Orthopaedic team. Had an xray done first and this is the result. There is a 3% increase in the degree of his scoliosis. Nothing that we could do to minimise this increment in the degree of his scoliosis! The doctor we met today said water play is good for him.
I need to be more frugal and as long as the location is accessible by MRT, then that will be the mode of transport. We travelled by MRT and with Mikaail on the wheelchair we inevitably have to walk further as we need to get to the lift.
We left this morning around 6:45 am and got home almost at 5:30 pm! Thought of going to shop around at Causeway Point but was worried it might rain so decided against it.
And we missed you very much too!
Mikaail fits is a bit different now though he do get it daily. His face is flushed just before he gets the attack and then return to normal as soon as he gets the fits. Usually when he gets his fits, we will tell him to relax. Told his regular neurologist about this and instead of advising me, he asked me what I want to do! I told him that since he is the doctor, he should advise me instead! Then he told me that there are several other medications which he could prescribe but these again has its own list of risks!
One of the risk factors in one of the possible alternative medication is behavioral change and/or suicidal. Can you imagine how ridiculous this is??
Then we went for Mikaail's next appointment with the Orthopaedic team. Had an xray done first and this is the result. There is a 3% increase in the degree of his scoliosis. Nothing that we could do to minimise this increment in the degree of his scoliosis! The doctor we met today said water play is good for him.
I need to be more frugal and as long as the location is accessible by MRT, then that will be the mode of transport. We travelled by MRT and with Mikaail on the wheelchair we inevitably have to walk further as we need to get to the lift.
We left this morning around 6:45 am and got home almost at 5:30 pm! Thought of going to shop around at Causeway Point but was worried it might rain so decided against it.
And we missed you very much too!
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