Day 352 on 25 May 14: Living Without My Darling Husband

The days passed extremely fast and today is 352 days since you left us and we missed you so.  While I am doing my best to manage living without your love and constant support, Mikaail is falling into depression.  He is not eating well and sleeps much more. If you ask him to smile, he will and that is about all he would do.  

We were in Woodlands yesterday to clear up the house and hopefully rent it out instead of keeping it empty since we are all staying with Mariah.  Sometimes I feel that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages especially mental rather than physical .  Marie nowadays retaliate Mariah's instruction and sometimes the tone of her response is louder than normal speech.  When I am home, it is almost non-existent or minimal.  Usually I will remind her to watch her tone.  

I've started applying essential oils on the soles of Mikaail's feet and also diffuse some of the oils.  I'm replacing Zell-V with NingXia Red for him and I feel there is some effect.  Also, today I told him that if he misses you, just say a prayer for you and to ask Allah to take care of you for him.  This also seems to have a positive effect on him.

Please come visit me.  I miss you dearly.

Day 339 on 12 May 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling

Today I feel so overwhelmingly stressed!  So much to manage on my own!  Though we talked many times that women live longer than men we never really make plans in case of any eventuality.  Gosh as you know the stress at home is many times more than office!  I know Mariah is doing her best to accommodate Marie but they clash in every aspect.  Urgh!!!

Then there's Mikaail.  He's the most poor thing of all.  He can't understand what happened.  He has never been the same ever since.  Now he's only eating Heinz bottled food meant for 6 months old baby!  He sleeps so much nowadays and even when he is awake he is so quiet - dont seem interested in anything.  Even his favourite tv programs like Hi-5 and Barney.

While I'm at work Mikaail would be hearing all the squabbles! Don't you think he'll be stressed too?  I am feeling the stress and it is getting worst by the day.  So much in my heart and mind and I cant share with anyone else.

Although Dr Chin replied to my  email, explaining the procedure,  your life is already screwed up!

Day 338 on 11 May 2014: Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling

You don't know the amount of stress I am going through daily at home!  Urgh!  We never discussed me living without you though you always say that woman live longer!  Should have really discussed this.  Now I feel like I've been left in the lurch.

Stayed over in Woodlands last Friday and you know what?  You can come home any time as I'm still clearing up our home as I intend to rent it out.

It's been close to a year since your sudden death and both Mikaail and I are still struggling without you.  How have you been?   Life now is so meaningless.  Nothing else to look forward to.  No point to go anywhere too as Mikaail is literally in a world of his own.   Please come visit us.  I am very concerned that Mikaail is still not his usual self.  He is extremely quiet and not eating well too.   His next appointment with the psychiatrist is on 18 June and I don't know what to expect from this appointment.