Asmah's Birthday

22 October was my youngest sister, Asmah's birthday.  As a few of us attended Mikaail's Make-A-Wish Foundation party, I thought it would be a great idea to celebrate her birthday at my home.  It was an impromptu party and another of my sisters, Rose bought some snacks and I got her ice cream cake from Swensen's. 

Usually with Swensen's cake you need quite a bit of time to defrost the cake but as this one was taken off the shelf, it was much easier to cut though we still need to use the normal knife - not the plastic cake knife.

Gathering at Mum's

How time flies!! Yesterday, 15 October, is mum's 18th days of departure and it being a Saturday, we, the sisters, met up at mum’s to clear out mum’s wardrobe.

Didn’t realize mum had 8 wonderful daughters!  Yes, 8, and 1 is in Perth Australia.  Seated in between my eldest sister, Ani, is my son, Mikaail - the only thorn amongst the roses!!

As we didn’t want the hassle of cooking and clearing up, we decided to have lunch at Fork & Spoon Foodcourt.  We intend to meet up perhaps over hi-tea perhaps once a month.
 

Then when I prepared iced coffee in the kitchen, suddenly I sniff a sweet smelling flowery sense. Got me a bit of a surprise then I called out to one of my sisters so she can confirm if she also could sniff the sense. Assumption was that mum was there in the kitchen. How true is this? I supposed no one can really confirm this.

Am I Being Fair to Mum

I still remember my last communication with my mum - Monday, 26 September.  When I saw a missed call from my mum's mobile number on my mobile phone, I panicked.  All these years, my mum never called me on my mobile especially when I am at work.  So I immediately called my mum and spoke to Marie, my helper.

Mum is very sick and this time when I asked her if she wants to go to the hospital, she said ok.  Usually she wouldn't want to go.  I took urgent leave and left my office slightly after noon.  Called the private ambulance service when I was near home and they arrived about half an hour later.  I accompanied mum to Tan Tock Seng Hospital.  Never in my wildest dream did I think that was the last time I communicated with her.

Throughout the time she was in the A&E, she was administered with oxygen to help her breathe better.  This makes it difficult for her to speak.  So I told her to just relax and not think about anything else.

She was eventually allocated a bed in the ward close to dinner time.  When her regular cardiologist came to check on her in the ward, he told us ie me, my sister and my husband the severity of my mum's condition.  Her vital organs ie lungs, heart and kidneys are failing.  Her lungs only had a tiny space of air and the rest of her lungs were filled with water.  If she was to be transferred to the ICU, there will be tubes to be inserted into her throat and chest to remove the water and of course she would feel some pain and discomfort.  

The cardiologist also told us that the ICU stay was for them to help the machine take over from her while her body recovers and her body will eventually need to function without the machine.   He also stressed that there is no guarantee that mum would be out of the ICU after all this, alive.  Mum had told my sister and I previously that her last hospital stay where she had tubes inserted into her to pump out the water was rather painful.

Then another doctor came and she also reiterated my mum's condition and even showed us the x-rays taken when she was discharged on 8 September and again the one taken upon admission.  The x-ray taken at A&E showed that water had filled her most of her lungs!  No wonder she looks so plump though soft!

I remembered that she complained of severe pain several times in the night and on ocassions I gave her painkillers just to ease the pain for her.  Sometimes she groaned in pain and on ocassions she will ask for medication even though she had already been given.  Up to now, I still feel that I didnt give my mum a chance to really decide that she didnt want to prolong her life.

Looking back, I now realised that there was really no medication that was administered to my mum during her stay in the hospital other than medication to calm her and I suppose to slowly let her go.  I am very disappointed with myself! 

Mum's Last Days

Mum left me on 28 Sept 11.  Incidentally, it was the last day of Hari Raya Puasa.  Official time of her passing away is 1:45 pm though she breathe her last breath around 1:35-1:38 pm.  This was about the time that the heart monitor went flat.  The doctor was away and the hospital requires the doctor to certify her passing away therefore the time difference.

I could still remember the look on her face.  She looks like she was sleeping and her tongue was hanging a little loosely as if you were teasing someone.

I feel a sudden emptiness in my heart though I know that mum would not have to suffer the pain that she has been enduring the past few months.  I still feel that maybe mum was not ready to leave this world though she did say she would be better off dead.  After her fall last September, she never fully recovered and one thing leads to another.  Whenever I hear her moan she tells me of the pain which is unbearable.  I will usually tell her to think about Mikaail who, though handicapped, is a happy go lucky chap!

I feel a lump in my chest and I cant believe that my mum has left me.  I still feel as if I had not given my mum the chance to live on.