Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Day 97 on 11 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Please take me with you!  I'm really missing the other part of me!  Though I cry much lesser now, there still isn't a day when I dont shed tears!  It's really frustrating.  Though I have family and friends, you are still my missing link!

I miss discussing the day's activities with you.  After 20 years we've been doing almost everything together, I'm really finding it tough to carry on living without you!  And you know sometimes I just feel like you will be coming back but I know it's impossible.  All your things are still as they were when we left for SGH on Tuesday, 3 June for the procedure.

Do you know that I now leave office around 5:15 pm and I reached home about an hour and a bit depending on the SMRT drivers?  Nothing to look forward to other than Mikaail playing peek-a-boo with me.

Luv ya



Monday, September 9, 2013

Day 95 on 9 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

It's school holiday this week and also your 100 days prayers!  I'll probably take leave this Friday to get some of the groceries for Saturday's prayers.

Oh ya, your eldest brother's wife passed away this afternoon and 3rd brother's wife said I shouldnt go as it is still within 100 days of your demise.  

While I was at work today, Mariah called to say that there were 2 social workers from NHC at home!  I was rather shocked.  There was no appointment nor a call from them relating to the visit.  Anyway, looking back, I would say that NHC is full of surprises!

  1. A routine procedure conducted by a senior consultant resulted in death
  2. A social worker who had no sense of urgency suddenly decided to call me while I am at work and thinks nothing of causing further distress to me.
  3. Her supervisor who made a surprise visit to our home today and was even more surprised when I told her that I am at work!
My intention was to follow up with the social worker who called me 2 months after you had passed away but there were some issues I need to settle first.  I feel that they do have some form of process they are following relating to your death.  Why wait 2 months before they call then 1 month after their first call?  Thought process?

I probably take leave to meet them this Wednesday together with Jaye and possibly, Andy.  Not decided yet but that's the plan for now.

See you tonight.
Luv ya always!!


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Day 94 on 8 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

You know what?  This morning Mikaail asked me "da da?".  Usually he would have said "da da no more"  So I asked him if he saw you in his dreams and he said yes.  He showed me the "good" sign.  I asked him if you told him to be a good boy and he said yes.  Not sure if he really comprehends this.

I miss you too!  Though I know you are never coming back, a part of me is still longing for you.  I miss all the times we spent together and the smses we sent to each other so often.  After 20 years of marriage and suddenly I am left all alone, it is really difficult for me to adjust.  Every one I know told me I need to move on.  Sure.  I know that but it's not easy and they also know that.

Songs that remind me of you and mails with your name bring the sadness in my heart.  I supposed at the end of the day, I am not ready to let go.  I am still clinging on to all things related to you.  I don't know if there is really life the other side and how you are getting by, if there is really such a thing!

It will soon be 100 days since you've departed.  If its not for work, I'll probably gone bananas!  At least the job keeps my mind focus elsewhere.  Weekends and public holidays which I used to look forward to are now very much dreaded!  In my mind you are very much alive and I still see you with both hands stretched out showing me the stickers which were left behind by the hospital.  These memories also bring back all the sadness again.  I am afraid I might lose all the memories in time to come.  There are so many more things I need to discuss with you but how to??

I came across a newspaper article you cut and keep in your drawer.  I'm not sure if I should contact the doctor and bring Mikaail there for review.  Who do I consult?  Can I trust the medical professionals?  What if something else happens?  How do I go on?


Changed my mind about going to the library today as the clouds look like it was going to open up any moment!

Anyway, after changing from Starhub to Singtel, the TV was not connected to the speakers.  I had to call Hashim to help fix them up.  So now all 3 speakers are re-connected to the TV.

Miss you terribly!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Day 91 on 5 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Darling

Mikaail seems to remember you now as he will casually say "Da Da no more".  This morning while I was bathing him, he also said so.  I told him, yes, da da no more and da da always remind you to be an obedient boy, right.  Unlike me, I can cry and talk about my feelings.  He cant.  I think his tear duct must have been screwed up by the professionals!

I went to the doctor this morning as I've been feeling breathless lately.  Did an ECG and results are ok.  Doctor gave me paracetemol but said it could cause drowsiness!!  Never heard that paracetemol can cause drowsiness.  She told me that the breathlessness could just be a muscle tightness.

This evening both of them squabble again - the usual but really pissed me.  It's generally quiet until I come home.  I asked if I should even come home then.  Like I've always say, work is not as stressful as home so much so I hate weekends though I need it to "recharge".  How can I recharge when I am more stressed up???

I think this Saturday I would probably go to NTUC Finest to get the kale.  Then on Sunday, I plan to spend the day at the library.  Mikaail will be bored if I am just at home with him.  He will be asking me what am I doing every few minutes or even seconds!  Gosh, I can just hear him asking me!!!  As you know, it is difficult to go to the malls on a weekend!

Just now I just felt like I should just end it all!  I would need to end him first but I dont think I would be able to do so!  Darling, please tell me what to do!!

Luv ya always

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Day 90 on 4 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

First thing Mikaail said to me when he woke up this morning was "Da Da no more".  I know he missed you as much as I do, if not more!  I dont know how to extract his emotion of losing you from him.  I am still struggling to move and this is despite me having the opportunity to speak to quite a few people about my emotions.  He cant!  Is it good or bad?

Tomorrow is teachers' day celebration in his school.  Too many things on my mind and I almost forgot about getting the presents.

Also nowadays I tend to sleep in the mrt on my journey home.  It's a long journey and I'm usually very tired at the end of the day!

I dont know if I will ever meet you in my dreams and I wonder how life is there for.

Luv ya always!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Day 89 on 3 Sept: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

I'm still waiting to see you, love!  Whatever it is, I miss you so much.  I'm really lonely and have no one to share my thoughts and feelings anymore.  I do have my sisters but it's not the same like when I share things

Somehow sometimes in my mind I still feel that though you are no longer at home and I know that you are never coming back, I am yearning to feel your touch and kiss!  What are you doing there now?  Can you hear us or know that we are missing you?  Will you ever come in my dreams?

Finally, today I've terminated your mobile line and all of Starhub services.  I've signed up for the MIOTV and fibre optic with Singtel which commenced yesterday.

Luv you always



Saturday, August 31, 2013

Day 86 on 31 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Your colleague, or rather your ex-colleague, Karine, told me the the Starlight Club for special needs children held an outing to the Gardens By The Bay on Saturday, 31 August.  She extended the application to me and I signed up for this.  Thought might be a good alternative to shopping malls!

  

Pick up was from Toa Payoh Community Centre at 9 am so we stayed over in Toa Payoh on Friday evening.  They went to TP after school and I joined them after work on Friday.  We had dinner at Fork & Spoon.

Spent the whole morning at Gardens By The Bay.  On the whole it's not too bad as most of the places we went were all air-conditioned.  Easily accessible on wheelchair.  Other than one occasion when the wheelchair toilet was occupied by their own security personnel, everything else was smooth.  You know how pissed I get when able bodied people misused the wheelchair toilets?

Initially I thought we'll just walk to the MRT station after the event but realised that the MRT station is a long walk and the weather was rather hot by the time we were about to leave.  Got a lift to the Marina Bay MRT station by the bus driver who was booked to transport the participants back to Bukit Panjang CC.

Incidentally Rose was at Fork & Spoon in TP.  We met her there for lunch then went over to NTUC.  After that, we stayed over in Toa Payoh to collect all our stuff back.  Ain gave us a lift home.  Nowadays after a day's outing, it's just me to clean him up unlike those days when you are around to help me!  That's why my weekends are so stressful now.  I have to attend to his entire needs from the time he wakes up till he goes to sleep!  There are days when he urinate on his chair so it does get overwhelming sometimes.

Of course I do feel like ending it all for both of us.  I wouldnt just end mine.  It wont be right for anyone else to take care of him then.

Luv us always!!

Friday, August 30, 2013

Day 85 on 30 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Went to your plot earlier this morning as I took leave.  I told my boss, Jordi, that I need to visit you.  My plan was to board the MRT to Chua Chu Kang station then change to SBS 975 to Lim Chu Kang Muslim Cemetery.

Initially I had wanted to ask Jay along but she has to accompany Sarah to her dentist.  Anyway, Sin Ruey gave me a lift from Chua Chu Kang station.  He said he sometimes travel towards Lim Chu Kang on his way to his office. I didnt want to trouble anyone to get to your place!

Oh, btw, I've pretty much decided the design for your plot.  Hope you'll like it.  It'll be different from the norm.  Gosh, so much left for me to decided on my own!  Nothing is the same when you were here! - ZI

Then on my way back from your plot, I decided to stop over at my mum's.  Your plot and my mum's are rather close.  Perhaps separated by 2 blocks.  I would have to pass by the block anyway on my way home.  I didnt buy extra flowers though.  Hopefully next month when I go, I'll buy extra flowers for both you and my mum.
 

 

And you know what?  While walking out along the road, there was this lady and her dad in their car.  She offered me a lift out to the main road.  Her dad later asked me where I was going and I told them going home after visiting your plot and my mum.  They gave me a lift to Choa Chu Kang station as they are staying in Chua Chu Kang too!  What a fantastic coincidence!  I got a lift to the cemetery and got a lift from the cemetery.

While chatting I told him that some people say things like this happen as a test!  I'm so annoyed and pissed. He is so understanding.  He said people who do not suffer the lost may not understand but nevertheless, dont think of the loss as a test.  Instead be strong and continue living.  That was really useful.  I always wonder why people tell me it's a test!  Test of what???

Please visit me in my dreams!
Luv ya always!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Day 81 on 26 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Mikaail is missing you and I doubt he comprehends the meaning of death!  The past couple of days he had asked for you.  He doesn't even know how to mourn for you!  I've only told him that you have gone to Heaven!  He's unusually quiet and eats very little too!

This morning before I left for work, I reminded him that you are in Heaven and that he must be a good boy.  He must eat and drink more so as not to get sick.

I'm really not sure what you would have wanted me to do now.  As you know it gets really stressful caring for him but that doesn't mean I won't give him the care and love.  If only we had discussed this option in advance!  At least I told you what I was going to do with your car!  So I did make an extra $2K and not just break even as what you said!  I'll get the refund of the insurance but road tax was a loss as I cant get the refund!

Who would have thought that the low risk procedure could turned fatal?  At the end of the day, on one hand, I'm glad that you didnt have to hang on to life.  What if you survived the ordeal but didnt come home a complete person?  The doctor did say they may need to amputate your right hand as the nerves were dead and gangrene may set in.  Or you could still be medically alive but ...

I'm missing you so much!!
Your wife


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Day 80 on 25 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Hey Darling

Something is so wrong with Mikaail today.  He hardly eat much today and is also very quiet.  He was also looking for you!

I found this while clearing out the stuff from your car the other day.  Mariah said no point keeping it then I felt the sudden sadness in my heart!


We've always been together on weekends and I supposed both Mikaail and I are still not coming to terms with not having you physically in the home.

Other than going to school and work, it is very tough to move on without you!  I no longer look forward to weekends and public holidays. In fact these are the days I feel more stress as the full responsibility of taking care of Mikaail falls on me entirely since Mariah goes home.

Do remember to visit (in my dreams!) ok!  

Luv ya!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Day 79 on 24 August: Living Without My Darling Husband

Eh darling

This morning I brought Mikaail to Tan Tock Seng Hospital to repair his handsplint.  The last time the previous therapist repair the handsplint, there was a crack but no one notice.  Only when Mikaail wore it to school then his therapist saw it.  There is a hairline crack across the palm position.  The therapist today, Celeste, patch it up with a piece of white plastic.  I might need to get a replacement unit soon.


We took the MRT to the hospital and alighted at Novena station then walk to the clinic - a breeze!  I've now decided that when getting into the MRT, ideally go either at the front end or back end of the MRT - less crowded.  The wheelchair signs are around the middle of the MRT which is also the most crowded area!  I must provide the feedback to SMRT!  SMRT should have put those wheelchair signages at the front end or back end of the MRT. 

I like the signage that remind the passengers to give way to the following categories of passengers!  


Ever so often the very able passengers rush into the lift too!

And today we went to Woodgrove CC to collect our food ration and Hari Raya packet from Woodgrove CC.  

 




The selection criteria is based on income, needs and recommendation from the Grassroots Adviser Mr Ong Teng Koon, also the MP for this area.  He came to visit earlier in June when you had just passed away.  He asked how was I managing and what was my immediate concern.  I told him that with your demise, my household income was halved instantly and my immediate concern was transportation for Mikaail.  I told him that I had already contacted the Handicapped Welfare Association but they told me that they do not have any available transport.  He did say that they have their contacts.  That was in June and now it's already August.  So far, I didnt hear back from any of the CC about them being able to source transportation for us.

Anyway, I've been booking a taxi every morning.  We did have a regular pick up previously.  The first was a Pakcik but he fell asleep on the wheel!  Then there is another 2 other drivers.  The 2nd driver has to depend on his son ie if his son is late, then we will be late.  Also he is so tidy that he keeps all the passengers seat belts away!  The 3rd was actually very good.  For the past few days that he picked them up, he had his door and boot opened, waiting for us.  Then after the 4th or 5th day, he decided that he could get 3 more passengers if he dont pick Mikaail.  It's not often passengers from elsewhere would want to come to Woodlands in the morning!  It's a pity but that's totally understandable.

Now, we've have another taxi driver who said he is able to pick Mikaail to school.  So let's see how when Tuesday comes as Monday is school holiday.

Though I know that you are never coming back, I just keep on hoping that I will see you somehow.  Eh, please I dont mean it that you appear in front of my face!  Gosh, my hair stands man!  See me in my dreams, ok.  I love you much and life is very different now - empty - is the word!!

Luv U Always & Forever!


Friday, August 23, 2013

Day 78 on 23 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Fire drill day today and as always, most of my colleagues dont stay in the office.  So likewise I also left the office earlier.  Skipped lunch at work so I can finish more of my work stuff then head for home.  My original plan was to go to your place but had a change of plans.  Mariah needed to collect her medication since the previous time she went to the hospital, the hospital pharmacy didnt have the stocks available!  Some screwed up inventory system!

The taxi driver we got this morning stays in Woodlands and sends his wife to Republic Poly so he is ok to pick Mikaail up daily.  So hopefully can be as regular as possible.  Will start from Tuesday, 27 August as Monday, 26 August is school holiday in lieu of their sports day.  Nowadays I've decided to book Transcab taxis as their cabs are the Toyota Wish and it's bigger.

Lately Mikaail hasnt been feeling himself.  He is very quiet and eat very little too.  The past 2 days he passed motion while having his shower and he didnt even know.  I was annoyed really as I did ask him earlier if he wants to pass motion.  At the end of the day, I guess he just couldnt control his bowels perhaps as it is not like him to be mischievous.

Eh, darling, how come I dont have a sense of you coming to just look over us or me for that matter?  Hope you are ok.  I am really concerned how you are there.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Day 77 on 22 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Darling

The day you left me, you took my heart away!  Life is never the same without you!  It's a stupid thought but I just hope you will come back to me!  I think of you ever so often and I see your image in my mind too.

The taxi driver that picked Mikaail up over the past few days have decided not to pick them up anymore.  This driver lives in Pasir Ris.  He took up the job as he needs to top up the CNG tank in Woodlands.  So thought was well and good.  Yesterday he said that he could have picked possibly 3 more runs if he dont pick Mikaail.  I did say from the start that pick up would need to be between 6:45 am and 7:00 am.  Any later, then we will all be late at school and work.  So all good things must end :(

Also, I told Mariah if Mikaail enjoys going to school daily, then just go.  Dont skip classes to save the transportation cost.  As you know, I generally am not a high maintenance person so I will manage the costs.

I went lunch with another of my colleagues today.  I supposed people who had loved and been loved before knows exactly the feeling of losing someone close to their hearts.

Oh ya, this morning, Mikaail again passed motion while I was bathing him.  Of course I was pissed off.  I scolded him as I asked him earlier if he needed to pass motion.  He originally said yes then changed his mind,  He has never done this before other than yesterday.  Dont know what is happening to him too!  

Luv ya always!
Your wife

Monday, August 19, 2013

Day 74 on 19 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Darling

First thing first - I've sold off your car!  Yippee and you should be proud of me as it was pretty much my own effort!  Remember that I told you I will sell off your car if you kicked the bucket before me?  Unfortunately I had no choice but to sell of the car as the car is of no use to me!  This is the last picture I took with the car!


Anyway, I went online to sgcarmart to advertise, got a broker who sourced for car dealers to buy the car.  All done in a span of less than 2 weeks from the time we got the interim probate letter to sell the car.  I've just met up with the car dealer to collect the cheque.

This morning while I was travelling on the MRT, something about you hit me and I just started crying!  Trying to recall what was it but couldnt figure it out.

Hey, I heard that you paid a visit at TP.  Did you?  Why?

Anyway, I'm trying to reach out to you!  Hope to see you in my dreams ok.  One of my colleagues told me that if you dont come back it's because you are at peace.  I hope you are at peace but do sometimes say Hi to me in my dreams.  I miss you much!

Luv you always

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Day 73 on 18 August: Living without My Darling Husband

Darling

Did you ever meet Irfan, your parents and mine?  Please send my love to all of them!  Kiss and hug Irfan for me ok!

Another hot day today!  Thought could bring Mikaail out to Causeway Point to take photo for his IC but I'll probably just melt under the sun!  Will ask Mariah to bring him to the photo shop on their way home from school this week!

Mikaail had fits again while having his lunch today.  Though there's not much more I could do to help him get over the fits, it makes a lot of difference when you are around regardless.

I'll always love you & you'll always be in my heart.  Please remember me always!  When will you meet me??

Luv, your beloved wife